Workshop: Hidden Dragon (Crystal Sword Hunt)

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Name of Completed Thread: Hidden Dragon (Crystal Sword Hunt)
Name of Authors: Jake Narmolanya and Mari
Type of Thread: Quest
Thread Length: 20 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: 16th March 2017

Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP, GP and AP for your feedback (see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.) Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

Have fun!

[jdd2035]

Story:
Storytelling: (6 Points)
You two did a great job with the story telling. I really liked that you guys had established a past history and worked around that. It obviously created sexual tension but not enough to cause a weird boner. Ill get more into the setting later on but all in all you guys told a well thought out story that actually started ten years in the back.

Setting: (6 Points) The setting was cool I loved the library at the start with the ridiculous amount of dust. This got compounded with the introduction of the steam works shop bar and all the rest. I liked where you described the smell of the dark elf city and how people reacted over the horse especially the meter maid.

Pacing: (6 Points) I read things quite quick or when I have time at work so pacing is hard for me to gauge. I personally thought the pacing was ok it wasn't a roller coaster ride of fast slow fast slow and at the same time it didn't drone on and on and one. You set one pace and stuck with it and it was one that kept me reading.

Character:

Communication: (6 Points) you communicated well. I really liked it that you both kept the bunnying to a minimum and also when you two had a conversation with one another you did it in one elongated post rather than multiple 150ish word posts which could wear thin; which is something I am guilty of but it's worth noting that i am not the only one.

Action: (6 Points) All things considered this could have gone off its rails and I am talking on the border of fifty shades of twilight what ever. But yall kept that kind of action at a proper level with the rest of the action scenes being the kind of plot forwarding device they needed to be for you to make it to the end of the story with out it being bland.

Persona: (6 Points) Both of you have played your characters for quite some time Madi you have powered through levels and posts and more posts. What I am trying to say is that both of you play your characters well. Madi I don't know if it was conscious or not but I noticed that you used a lot less foul language when playing and when you did it had much much more bite to it. Good job.

Prose:
Mechanics: (10 Points) mE fial enGlish! tHat's unpossible?

Clarity: (6 Points) The writing is very clear both of yall have a good grasp of your characters motivations. Each character was well developed as well as the setting. Even when yall combined your post into one long post it was not hard to figure out who was talking to whom. I can not complain about your thread being unclear.

Technique: (6 Points) What can I say about your technique? It was good, it was better than mine. I don't know exactly what to say here so 6 points.

Wildcard: You achieved your goal at getting a crystal sword. Good job.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop closes tomorrow. Last chance to get in some meaty reviews!

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

I think in general struggles can arise when a story is written with a purpose in sight and all events happen in order to bring the conclusion closer at the expense of the body of the story itself. That is what this story felt like and, from the little I know regarding these crystal swords and the supposed event involved, it did feel like this was the case. After completing the story I'm not sure what the purpose of Mari in this thread was. The door was opened for reconciliation and rebuilding a relationship, yet the same choice was made and he abandoned her once more. She tried to open up, there was room for romantic exploration, but none of that happened. Whatever she supposedly offered in Jake's search for the crystal sword was effectively discarded and he went off on his own and got his horse killed. There wasn't even a post where Mari reacted to his abandonment, her emotions as a result, more information on those marks on her body, or any of the sort. I half expected her to show up and thwart Jake simply out of spite for his bullshit. So whereas I know the story is how Jake gets a crystal sword made of wood, the journey of how he got to it felt disjointed and forced just to get a story out.

I will say that setting didn't really leave me wanting and I had enough to paint the pictures I needed in most cases. I did have questions regarding some of the actions taken by the characters, as mentioned, but that's mostly for the other section. Pacing also struggled, partly because progress felt goal-oriented and yet simultaneously issues of clarity and mechanics caused unnecessary hiccups.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

I think there was a good deal done here that brought the characters to life. I imagine it helps to be able to bring our own experiences into the thread, and I believe you both did this. Dialogue choices, emotional reactions, behaviors, and motives generally made sense. I did raise an eyebrow at Jake's brilliant plan that so easily got his horse killed, on top of why he didn't use a portal to go back to Gunner's body and had to walk back. He also, despite your best efforts, seemed to have a pretty minimal reaction to Gunner's death. As a writer, it almost felt like you wrote this thread with the intention of giving him a last hurrah and turning him to glue, which was unfortunate.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

There are times where hiccups can really interfere with the flow of reading and getting into something. For me this is more true than other times. Amari, you called it Ettemire and Ettimere, whereas it is Ettermire. Though not a big deal, it does cause me as a reader to pause.

There are also times where a sentence can be very confusing when too many elements are presented at once. For example:

She sent Noel, one of the few people she trusted back to the Inner Sanctum with the spoils of their previous escapade into the rocky mountains.

This reads in a quite confusing manner and can have multiple meanings, and though a reader can deduce what it is you are trying to convey, it is best not to leave anything up for interpretation unless intentionally. I also noticed plenty of instances where punctuation was missing, such as the above. Often when we add an additional clause to a sentence, while permitting the sentence to read well without it, it is done with commas wrapped around that clause.

As an example, not only what you wrote above with Noel (where you would put another comma after trusted), here is another instance:

The middle aged man, whom was leaning against the wall grinned as she pushed himself off of it.

If corrected, this would read:

"The middle aged man, whom was leaning against the wall, grinned as he pushed himself off it."

Admittedly this is a bit different as the clause is necessary to understand what "it" is but that can be restructured as well. It's the only example I have on hand, but there were many instances throughout the thread where the second comma was dropped.

There were other instances throughout the thread where clarity was lost due to incorrect sentence structure, mechanical errors, typos, and strange wording in general. For example, the sentence "Sidestepping a man and his horse." That is not actually a complete sentence. The same is true of "Standing her ground." I do not believe that is a complete sentence, though I may be wrong. Other small nitpicks such as flipping 3rd and 5th with 5th and 3rd; as a New Yorker, those are not the same thing and would get you lost. I also am unclear as to why the choice was made to say dwarfs instead of dwarves, but dark elves instead of dark elfs. But that last one is more style I suppose.


Wildcard

It's genuinely difficult for me to give constructive feedback here because in a way I felt like this was done more with an agenda in mind and an end-goal and was less about telling a story. And believe me, I get that, especially as Althanas is certainly a game to be played and many choose that as a priority. As a member who prioritizes the writing over the leveling/gaming, I think it would benefit authors in general to read their work aloud. This also includes reading aloud by following the mechanics used. For example, if there is a comma then you pause, if there is no comma then you do not pause. If there is an exclamation point, exclaim and be animated. See what your story sounds like and if the way you wrote it is how you meant it to be heard. I don't think I can offer much more than that and I apologize if anything came off as harsh.

Please let me know if there's anything I can clarify or add value to and I'd be happy to answer any questions.

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

This workshop is now closed. Rewards to follow!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

JDD2035 receives 500 EXP, 40 GP and 4 AP!

SirArtemis receives 1200 EXP, 40 GP and 4 AP!

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

All rewards added!