Since this was mainly an effort by Storm, I focused my feedback on his posts. I have a section for Tobias at the end.


Story:

The story started off about where you'd expect, and the pipe worked well as a 'narrow' intro; starting on a small detail rather than broad descriptions. However, Storm's reaction to the guy bringing the letter seemed excessive. Sure, he was annoyed, but saying 'Enough!' after one sentence seemed odd, and almost like an answer to the man's question. The letter was professional and legit, and his reaction to it made sense. The method of contact, however, really didn't. A pair of assassins meeting in front of the building they're supposed to infiltrate in broad daylight, with one of them dressed in an attention-seeking tie, and both of them apparently well-known wanted criminals. Not really a choice any assassin would believably make, even with the press infiltration method. You'd at least expect the side of the building, if not a bar down the street.

Storm just assumed this kid walking up was his partner, with no suspicion or caution, which was a little strange when he's worried about being recognized. He managed to make it into the building, and came up with a plan, which fit his style pretty well. It was a little odd that he started the plan so quickly, though, with nothing but vague promises of help from his associate. There was a bit too much trust in general between them, for two men of that profession. There was some confusion with the chandelier scene, but I explain that in action, and the catwalk in clarity. Once Storm accomplished his goal, he ran up to the catwalk and barricaded himself. I did like the use of the red tie to identify him, but it would've been nice to see the blue tie come up again, like him switching to the blue as a disguise afterward.

My main problem with the catwalk scene is the guards never really got close enough to make his exit very suspenseful. You kept mentioning archers, but we only ever see one bolt; they wouldn't all wait to fire together, at least a few extras should've tried. Blocking off the entire catwalk took away a lot of the urgency, I think. It's the main trap of strong characters; bein' too good at stuff. You had Storm take an injury as he jumped out of the window, and described it as fairly brutal, but nothing ever came of it. He splashed into a shit-filled sewer with a gaping wound and wasn't at all concerned about it, nor did it hamper him in any way. Except for the mention of blood, it may as well not have even happened.

The ending was far too casual for everything Storm just went through, in my opinion. Before he's even out of the sewers he's thinking about getting drunk on the money he'd make from the job. There is absolutely no anger towards the partner who betrayed him, no desire for revenge. I feel like he should be hunting down the guy who abandoned him, but the thread ends on an off-tone 'silver lining' note. It was fairly interesting for what it was, and I can understand just wanting to finish the thing after Tobias dropped, but there was still some potential there, and it wasn't wrapped up in a very satisfying way. I suppose they can't all be gems, though.


Setting:

Overall, your descriptions are good when they happen, but they're usually spread somewhat thin. You describe your favorite set-piece, the pipe, and Storm smoking it, quite well of course. You rolled with Tobias' description of there being large crowds, but didn't really describe them, just mentioned them. No jostling, loudness, or other effects. Your use of simile and metaphor in describing the reporters and attendants inside the building in the ninth post was very good, though. There was also some good description when he first entered the government building. The chandelier was described almost excessively, however, and describing Tobias as a 'dapper gentlemen' really didn't fit with the earlier descriptions of him.

The most consistent description detail you use, besides the pipe, is the sunlight. You only mention Storm's tan skin once, at the start, or indeed, much at all about Storm himself other than the wound later on. Kinda set-it-and-forget-it with descriptions of him. The descriptions you use for the setting are decent, sometimes quite good, but you often paint with a broad brush. I think adding occasional smaller details would give your settings more depth. Your description of other people is often quite good, though, with metaphor that assumes or attributes some exaggerated trait to them. If you applied this to your descriptions of setting, I think you could create some very nice imagery. Also, don't forget the power of color, and contrast.


Pacing:

The overall pacing of the story was pretty front-loaded; tough to avoid given the circumstance. It took several posts for them to meet up and infiltrate, but not many after the deed was done. The npcs who didn't like Storm smoking were somewhat amusing, and Storm's opinion of them mildly interesting, but it ultimately seemed like fluff. The second was even immediately dismissed when the incident 'left as soon as it came.'

There are some occasions where you lapsed into being fairly wordy, mostly in the earlier part of the thread where I suspect you wanted to match Tobias' descriptiveness. You also occasionally tack on extra descriptors sometimes, like 'sewage was most likely largely relatively clean' in the last post. Though that one is probably accidental, it's not an isolated issue. During the solo portion the pacing was pretty even, with one exception. The time spent on the catwalk, and jumping through the window, stretched much longer than expected, and helped to kill the urgency of the climax.


Communication:

You use Storm's thoughts to great effect to keep us up to date on his reactions, and it's where most of his personality shines through. This is definitely a strong category for you, even without much actual dialogue in the thread. There's a lack of body language, though. There weren't really many quiet scenes, which is where that technique shines, but you spell out Storm's thoughts so often. It makes a lot of what we know about Storm be because he straight up told us, and sometimes those thoughts are kind of obvious or, not really necessary.

The lack of body language makes a lot of your non-action scenes feel like simple back-and-forths. I rarely need to pay attention to any details, just listen to people talking. That's less applicable to some of your other threads, of course, but still not completely inaccurate. Usually, the flavor of the dialogue goes a long way to keep things interesting, but some subtlety in how certain things are portrayed could make those scenes more engaging, I think.


Action:

There were consistent issues with losing track of details, and this caused quite a bit of confusion for a detail-oriented reader like myself. I mention several of the smaller instances in clarity, but the main issue was the assassination scene. The chandelier 'hit the ground' at the start of your post, but then a few paragraphs later Storm is running around just before it hits the ground to give him his 'two seconds.' I have to assume it did, because you ended the post before with 'hundreds of pounds of glass' dropping, then started the next mentioning 'metal and glass' hitting the ground.

There were also some issues with the wound. Using the term 'torn wide' created a completely different visual than the 'thin' streaks of blood you mention just afterward. As I touched on earlier, it seemed odd to me that the gash on his back didn't affect his body language at all. He wasn't hunched over, he didn't have one hand back there trying to hold it closed, he even 'strode' into the tailor's shop. Other than the mention of blood, and the loss thereof, I saw no effect. It was also odd that when he took off the red tie, he started burning blue ink. I thought he pulled out the other tie for a moment.

Other than those issues, the action in the thread was mostly clear, what action there was. He really just broke a chandelier, stabbed a dude, bent some railings, and broke a window. I'm sure the lack of attention to detail was at least in part due to a lack of motivation to finish the thread, but it might not hurt to get into the habit of re-checking old details. A quick skim before writing the next post can help avoid a lot of these issues.


Persona:

Storm's mind set is developed well early on, unsurprisingly. You play him so consistently, I doubt it's even a conscious effort at this point. You described Storm's agitation well, which made sense given the strange contact method. I enjoyed the doodles; even as an assassin, he hasn't outgrown his childish side. That also shows up again with his quip at the guard who searched him. His animalistic side comes out pretty quickly once he sees his prey, however. It's a dichotomy I enjoy, and I think you play it well.

I'm surprised Storm would give the other guy a cut when he thinks the other guy didn't bother coming, though. A lot of his reasoning involving Tobias seemed off to me, and wasn't entirely consistent. He didn't seem to recognize him at first, but later knows his reputation. It also seemed off that he so quickly brushed off being abandoned by his supposed 'partner,' as I mentioned earlier. Storm himself is still as solid as ever, but some of his logic in this particular thread didn't quite make sense.


Mechanics

There weren't a lot of issues, but there were always at least a few. Mostly, they were small things that probably just got missed during editing, and rarely anything consistent, except for one thing. There were several instances where not putting a hyphen in-between certain phrases caused some confusion. I've included a couple examples below, but didn't round up all of them.

'The long, polished sand colored marble ahead' - The lack of a hyphen in 'sand-colored' made me think 'colored' was the verb. That's usually the issue with dropped hyphens.

'ebony painted iron wrought railing' - If you're going to use two hyphenated phrases like this right next to each-other, as in post thirteen, you definitely need hyphens. Both 'painted' and 'wrought' could be verbs.


Clarity:

Most of the thread was clearly described, but there were several instances of conflicting details. His suit was described as 'fine' at first, then 'off-rack' and 'loosely combed' afterwards. When he quipped to the guard he heard a 'good laugh' from viewers nearby, but then they 'apparently, didn't find it very funny.' You mention him storing the weapons he had on him, but then he just pulled them out when he needed them. The smell in the sewer was also described as 'overpowering' at first, then 'dilute' a few paragraphs later. The main problem was the 'catwalk,' though.

Catwalks are usually high-up and thin, like scaffolding, which it was at first when you said it was 'suspended.' Then, you described it like there were enough people following him to make the thing collapse, and then mentioned 'marble stairs' on the other side, and offices, like it was an open second floor. That visual appeared to stick, as you then mentioned ripping the railings out of 'cement.' That whole scene was rather off, but that was the only major problem. All of the other inconsistent details weren't very pivotal, so they didn't cause much pause.


Technique:

The pipe is a very present set-piece in the first post, the focus of the 'narrow' intro and even used for npc interactions. Tobias also went for a 'narrow' intro, so the thread started off in the action, and small in scope. The whole 'adventurers' intro of post five was a decent 'broad to narrow' intro on its own, but the perspective had remained mostly narrow since both of your intros. To kinda 'zoom back out' like that at the start of a post, after mostly interpersonal, focused perspective, made it seem like a separate scene at first; we only know him in this thread as an 'assassin' anyways. The second pull-back to do a 'broad to narrow' in post twelve worked pretty well, though, following the ending of the previous post. That whole 'quiet eye-of-the-storm' thing.

Occasionally, you'll use a word that's unusually obscure, and while I can appreciate expanding one's vocabulary, I think Storm's personality fits a more casual style. Words like 'egress,' 'frenetic,' 'bloviated,' and 'cuprous.' While I knew most of them, they're fairly uncommon, especially the second two, and sound out-of-place in an otherwise very readable style. You use repetition quite well in your fifth post, with both 'supernatural' and 'brilliant.' There are other times you inadvertently repeat more common words, though, like ' Leering about the space about him,' 'open,' 'tall,' and 'blood' multiple times per sentence in post thirteen, and 'the crash of...soldiers crashing' in the last post. With the exception of the most common words, like 'the, and, of, etc,' avoiding repetition of even common words usually sounds better, in my experience.

While not pervasive, I noticed a fair bit of passive voice in your descriptions, especially of actions, that could've made for sharper imagery with a stronger verb. A lot of 'was/were,' a few 'seem's. Avoiding those specific words in general can sharpen up any description; the verb is half the story, after all. I also wouldn't mind seeing some more color use, as I touched on in setting. The most prominent was the red of the tie, of course, but you only mentioned the blue of his suit once or twice. You also use the yellow of the sun a few times in description, but that's mostly it. Color and contrast, along with the sensory combo of sounds/smells, makes for vivid imagery. Setting is probably your weakest category, in my opinion; if you improve that, I think you can further round out your already impressive style.

Also, I enjoyed the 'stuck in the middle with you' reference.


Tobias:

Using the npc interaction to give Tobias a cool entering line worked pretty well, and the npcs were amusing as well. Crumpling the paper into a ball would have made it take much longer to burn; though, and it definitely wouldn't have drifted on the wind with that shape. Your strength is in your descriptions, and you paint the war-torn city pretty vividly. Your interaction with his contact also reinforced the theme, and gave some additional details. Praising the tailor's verbal cues seems odd, however, when she basically just said it straight out. After the first two posts, though, your description becomes more 'set-it-and-forget-it.'

There were several points where details in your posts didn't fit very well with Storm's. Tobias' letter sounded very different from the original, and much more casual. It also seemed odd that there was no real attempt to coordinate between the two assassins. Harping on the war thing with the protesters broke suspension of disbelief for me. It directly contradicted the quiet and mostly empty scene Storm had already set. You consistently interject tones that don't really match the rest of the thread, and have a fondness for one-off npcs. I didn't get a whole lot about Tobias' personality or world-view either, just bits of his circumstances.

That scene with Elmira was pretty over the top, and really out of place in what was supposed to be an assassination thread. He was 'woefully aware' of the pain he had caused, but the way he toyed with her I somehow doubt that. His whole interaction with Elmira was too short to mean anything, ultimately pointless, and had many cliche elements. Decent use of color with the stained-glass windows, but after that whole Elmira affair, it seemed pretty heavy-handed. A little more effort to coordinate your themes and tones with the rest of the thread could help in the future.



Though it had its problems, it was still a decent read. You both brought solid styles to the table, for varying lengths of time, and salvaged a passable assassination story from it. A bit of lost potential, but what'cha gonna do. Hopefully, some of my suggestions will prove helpful. If either of you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a pm.