Originally Posted by
Notes
First Post
"Imposing himself on the dark white nothing walked a lone soldier." - The clause 'imposing himself,' implies a subject to follow, and is usually seperated by said subject with a comma, like '...nothing, a lone soldier walked.' Good rule of thumb is to avoid two verbs in seperate clauses that modify the same subject right next to eachother; put the subject inbetween them.
"As the cold froze more," - Usually this sentence is structured with clauses using different subjects, like 'As one thing happened, this other did too,' to show either a simultaneous time frame, or causal relationship. This sentence was followed by another clause describing the same thing, though; cold freezing more than skin and bone.
"It never stopped but had merely" - At the very least, you should slap a comma on that 'but.' This is a little dramatic, though; i think it would work fine with only 'It had been muffled...' There was never any expectation from the reader that it had stopped, because this is the first time it's mentioned, so no real need to counter it with the 'never stopped' portion.
"Around the old castle standing lonely in the center of the city," - This is followed by a clause describing the castle, rather than the expected subject/verb combo set up by 'Around.' 'Around the old castle, something happened.' I suspect you intended the subject to be the same as the last sentence, 'he,' but this is a new sentence, and it needs its own subject.
"Standing alone in stark defiance, a faint beacon of hope." - In the same vein, you can only use the subject of a previous clause within the same sentence; adding the period turns this into a fragment.
"Surrounded by the dead, brothers and sisters in arms" - In a similar vein, since 'he' is the one surrounded by the dead, it's expected that later in this sentence 'he' will do something, but it just continues with more description.
"He could avoid a great old church, a history of pain and oppression reflected in its ornate windows." - This is a good example of the impact of whether you use 'a' or 'the.' 'The' establishes the object as definite and singular, this leads to the implication that the character has familiarity with this object, either in the past or presently. In description, this means using 'the' denotes to the reader that it's in the same place as is currently being described. Conversely, 'a' usually refers to something indefinite, and possibly plural, or from among a plurality. He can choose a street from many, but the one he is on is the current one. So, using 'a' here makes it seem as though he's talking about just any church, wheras 'the' would establish it's either in this city he's infiltrating, or a church from his past.
"Time passed by and a blanket of snow..." - Usually dropping the comma before the conjunction is used to make things seem simultaneous, or to improve the flow of a chunky sentence, but this one would do much better with the comma before the 'and,' since it's literally about a long time passing; the pause of the comma helps convey that, so it seems too fast without it.
"An old woman, tall and thin[,] strode through..." - Leaving off the closing comma makes the new subject/verb combo 'tall strode through.'
A small note of no real matter, but that hyphen divider at the start of post one spills exactly three hyphens over onto the next line. While this has nothing at all to do with analyzing the thread, it bothers me to an excessive degree. The [ooc] tag could negate the need for the divider.
Second Post
"responding to the cold on the other side of the portal." - While not strictly incorrect, in a fantasy setting using 'portal' as a synonym is dubious at best. For doors it barely works, but it's very rarely used for windows.
"A soft looking wooden seat with a hole in it," - Another example of an expected toilet-related subject/verb in the next clause that never came.
"His dressing stuck out from under the sleeves which ended just above the forearms." - While not a 'hard rule,' most of the times a comma is expected before descriptors like 'which,' as they usually start a new descriptory clause.
"tables scattered through the room. The room seemed bigger" - Though I can tell you try to avoid repetition, even more common nouns like 'room' can seem out of place if they're this close together.
"The subtle flame served to both heat the room[,] and boiled the pots" - Though commas before conjunctions isn't a 'hard rule' outside of academic circles, it should still be the average choice, especially following a term like 'both.' Also, the following 'boiled' shouldn't be past-tense.
Post Four
"Mixed vegetables, cut up potatoes[,] and meats floated" - Lists require either commas inbetween all the members, or no commas except at the end, if the sentence continues.
"Victor struggled to keep up, having to avoid many different appliances and hanging utensils in the kitchen narrowly." - Splitting the adverb 'narrowly' so far from the verb 'avoid' sounds unusual. Putting it at the end of the clause makes the reader re-imagine the scene in the context of the new information, so they have to stop and re-think the sentence. Smoothest to keep verbs and adverbs as close to eachother as possible.
"Gradually, the sounds of Victor’s pain began to be an expected addition to the midnight melody to which the city fell asleep." - Lotta 'to's in this one, makes it kind of technical. This one could probably stand better split into two clauses with a comma, to avoid all this nested direct-object business. The reader always has to take a moment to unravel such nests in their mind before moving on.
Post Five
"None of the liquid splashed or spilled and eagerly found it's home in the ceramic cup." - Since 'and' is followed by a separate clause it should be separated with a comma, and it needs an 'it' as the subject of that second clause, otherwise it's saying 'None of the liquid found its home.' Also, you don't need the apostrophe for 'its,' lack of apostrophe for possession like 'it looked at its home,' apostrophe for the conjunction 'it is.'
"Long hoses stretched from a glass bowl, [which was] filled halfway with water." - Paragraph thirteen - Without this phrase to redirect the subject of this second clause to the direct object of the first, the second clause would say 'Hoses filled halfway with water.'
"He laid back, kicking his feet up on the table and let the soft cushions embrace him." - Needs either a comma before the conjunction to separate the clauses, or to change the verb of the second to 'letting.'
"Very impressive," she clapped, "have you done this before?" - While I understood it, be careful using replacements for 'said' that aren't actual speaking verbs. Some people may take them literally on first read, and be caused some confusion for it.
Tenth Post
"The army demanded indulgence at every step, from sight..." I believe 'from' should be 'in,' since you can't really 'indulge from' something, and though you can 'demand indulgence from' a person, demanding indulgence from the thing you're indulging in is a bit confusing.
Incompletes
"over the top of the sofa. Rest at last." - Second Post, Sixth Paragraph, an incomplete sentence. A semi-colon would solve this one perfectly; usually does; like the following:
"A place where someone listened was a rare treat in Archen. Where one" - Third Post, Third Paragraph; another case where substituting the period for a seim-colon would complete the following fragment.
"...stream of smoke[; substantially less than before, but the smoke held its shape longer. Victor enjoyed watching the smoke dance" Post Five, Paragraph Sixteen - The second sentence is incomplete without the semi-colon, or its own subject, like 'It was.' Also, the repetition of 'smoke' was noticeable.
"Right up until he found anything else to do." Post Ten, Paragraph One - Another incomplete; again a semi-colon is recommended.
"Because Victor loved a strawberry sundae." Post Ten, Paragraph Five - Same.
"Detouring to eye-level so he could admire the dessert for a moment before enjoying it." Post Ten, Paragraph Six - Same
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