Hey guys, I'm going to do a quick strengths/weaknesses list for each of you, hope you find it helpful.

redford

Strengths: -You use onomatopoeia well to incorporate realistic sounds into your prose. I encourage you to experiment more with other literary devices.
-Good use of clear descriptive language. I seldom get confused as to where John is or what's going on, which is important in any story.
-I like the way you express John's size through the things he does. Stooping to get in a door, being grateful for high ceilings, and slowing down for Artemis to catch up all come to mind.
-You used scents well to bring the setting to life, but used the word "smell" a little too often. Try varying it with words like scent, odor, etc.

Weaknesses: -The beginning was a little odd because of how little information you provided on the fight with Artemis. I had little context, for example, of where or how they fought, or why they suddenly seemed like buddies.
-Your clear, direct style often leads to telling rather than showing. An example from post one is "Apparently it was a few blocks over." This is one among many missed opportunities to further illustrate the setting.
-Be careful of using Earth-based idioms such as "full throttle". I imagine a smith like John might instead say something like "full blaze".

SirArtemis

Strengths: -Your descriptions of the setting overall were pretty good. I liked the way you compared Ettermire to the inside of a giant workshop (or something like that) in post 17
-You had some really strong imagery, however it was interspersed by unnecessary weaker metaphors. Try being more choosy with which literary devices make it past the final cut. For example "the whip of Salvar air" in post 2 was fairly strong, but then "like paint on a canvas" shortly afterward felt generic and not necessarily appropriate to the context.
-Good incorporation of Artemis' skills into the prose. Even small things like the way he watched the crowd told something about the kind of person he is.

Weaknesses:- Like redford, you could have done a lot more to provide background on Artemis and John's first meeting. I would have liked a better explanation of why Artemis was so ready to help someone he previously fought, perhaps in the form of a bit of internal dialogue.
- On several occasions you had unnecessary word repetitions, such as repeating "man" twice in the first sentence of post 2. Any time you run into this in editing, try replacing one of the words with a synonym or re-writing if necessary. Running into the same word twice without it being in some sort of intentional pattern can be jarring and reminds me that I'm reading a story.
- Avoid cliche lines such as "talk is cheap" in post 2
- Careful when using specialized dialogue. I noticed you switch between "you" and "ye" with Nalin
- Try reading your posts back to yourself out loud to avoid run on sentences. Anytime you run out of breath, it may be time to add a period.

Cards of Fate

Strengths: - You do a good job of expressing the type of person Vince is through dialogue and actions.
-I liked how you found a balance between brevity and description; I generally at least knew what the setting around Vince looked like, without getting bogged down in it.
-You did a good job of playing the cast of characters that you're familiar with, including bunnying John

Weaknesses: - I'd encourage you to experiment with different methods of expressing telepathy. Using <.> and referring to it as an "imaginary call" is not very immersive
- Don't forget to show as often as you tell. For example, a little more information about what Vince's portals look like (beyond a color) would be interesting.
- Careful with overly long monologues. Although they are in character for Vince, they can drag at times.
- Careful bunnying characters you are less familiar with. Your portrayal of Artemis did not seem especially Artemis-y at times. Don't be afraid to ask others for help when writing their character.

Overall Notes

This was a solid, if basic story, and fairly well executed by all of you. I don't think it represents any of your best efforts, but it seemed more like an "enjoying the process" thread than a "for the readers" thread, and that's fine.