July 2017 Vignette

Hey everyone. This was a neat prompt, and we had a variety of different approaches to it, which is always great to see. Although there were only four of you, this one was quite competitive, so you should all be proud of your entries.

jdd2035: You did a good job of getting right into the business with dialogue and internal feelings. I would definitely suggest using italics for thoughts, though, instead of "~". The little wavy symbol is kind of alienating. I was confused by the presence of a hospital on Althanas, but I liked the way you had different crew members respond to Cain according to their allegiance. You also upped the ante with Cain falling into the water, and found a solid way of ending it. AND, you didn't have THAT many mechanical errors. Great work!

SirArtemis: Your opening was a little awkward, and a little cliched. Also it was technically in 2nd person, which isn't so good. After that you basically just explained what happened to the reader. It was well written, but not particularly creative. Some dialogue used to show Jay's feelings rather than Artemis' internal monologue telling about them would have made the scene a lot more romantic. Everything that came after that felt like filler. I think you had a cool scene here, but failed to really bring it to life.

Stare: Your opening paragraph did a good job of immersing me in the scene, but I felt like you were a bit wasteful with the dialogue. Repeating the word "sir" three times may be in character, but it's not informative to the situation at all. You used some odd sentence structuring such as "Swiftly, he turned," instead of "He turned swiftly," and also had some unnecessary repeated words. Overall I liked the approach you took to this prompt, but I felt like you took too long to get things going, and your vignette was lengthier than needed to tell the story it contained.

Rogue: You had a solid opening, and I liked the way you started with the cause of the coma and then skipped straight to her waking up. That said, while I appreciated your brevity, you didn't really give any information on who the guy chasing her was or why that was happening, nor did the part after the wake-up tell much about the character other than that she had some good friends.

1st place: jdd2035
2nd place: Stare

jdd2035 receives 600 EXP and 200 GP!
SirArtemis receives 650 EXP!
Stare receives 400 EXP and 150 GP!
Rogue receives 100 EXP!