The hunt. (Closed to Izvilvin)

[Camella]

Camella couldn't believe it. All at once, everything went wrong. Her attacks towards the drow had all been way too predictable, all focusing on the leg, and because of that, they were all blocked. They were blocked so easily, in fact, that Izvilvin had made it to his feet and blinded her with the same dirty trick she had used to blind him earlier.

Camella used the one universal language she knew and held up her middle finger in what she hoped was the correct direction. When she finally got her sight back, she looked around and quickly realized that Izvilvin had made his escape. Camella followed the hoofprints on foot, determined not to lose her bounty, but she knew she had a long journey ahead of her. Izvilvin may have won this round, but that only made Camella all the more determined to win the next.

[Izvilvin]

Izvilvin's eyes were struggling to remain open as he rode into Irrakam, using a small ferry reserved for those of importance in the Keep. He was greeted by three soldiers, who rushed to meet the obviously-wounded Drow. They babbled some things he could not understand, likely talking to each other, then pulled him from the mount desptie some resistance. His leg was swollen and numb, and he needed to be support by a man on each side of him, as the third rushed forward to open the gate.

The greatest part of the Keep, at least on this day, was that within it lived some of the most skilled healers in all of Althanas. Izvilvin supposed that for someone like the Jya, incredible doctors were both necessary and easy to come by. He was laid on a bed in the downstairs infirmary, among scores of white beds and fluffy pillows. It was cool, but after the heat of the desert it was like heaven.

The warrior was tended to and eventually healed, but needed to walk with a thick layer of bandages about his hamstring. It was a hinderance, but Izvilvin could deal with it.

What was difficult, however, was the constant wonder that plagued his mind. He'd never been the target of an assassin before, and understandably, he didn't enjoy it very much. Step was a horrible organization to be at arms with, he knew, and he needed to know if it was them who were striking at him.

Until his leg healed, however, Izvilvin would need to stay in the Keep. The wait was unbearable.

[Letho]

GENERAL NOTES: First off, even though this entire thread seemed like a battle with some extra intro, I’ll judge it as a quest mostly because neither of you specified what it really was and how you wanted it judged. I won’t bullshit you though; this thread was nothing spectacular and I found it severely lacking in several departments, which will naturally reflect in the scores. It was a rather cliché idea that could’ve become more, but ultimately turned out to be just another face-off. I got a feeling that both of you just wanted to relax in this thread and do something simple and fun, and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing, there are more inventive ways to do a bounty hunt. Onto the scores...


INTRODUCTION – 4

Camella, I got very little info from your intro. What you basically said in your first post that Camella was a bounty hunter and that she picked up Izvilvin’s bounty. There was no explanation why she was in Scara Brae in the first place, how she felt about having to go all the way to Fallien to hunt her bounty, why was she in the bounty business in the first place. Always try to present the basic facets of your character in the first posts and her reasons for participating in the story that was to be told. Izvilvin’s intro gave me a bit more insight in what his character was doing in Fallien in the first place (though rather vaguely; what does he do for Jya?), where he was going and why. It was nice to give some background info as well, but you need to be watchful about letting it overshadow the current info. In your first post I learned more about Izvilvin’s Scara Brae adventures then the actual work he is doing in Fallien.

SETTING – 3

Perhaps I’m a bit too strict and demanding and even nitpicky when it comes to the setting, but there were mistakes here that really stabbed at my eyes. I’ll start with the most obvious ones. Jya’s Keep is a part of Irrakam which is, according to the map, on an island in the river on the central-south part of the continent. Suravani’s Oasis is in central-north part of Fallien. To ride from one place to the other would take days, to walk would probably take weeks. Yet, you two traversed that distance as if it’s just around the corner. Then there’s the xenophobia of the locals. It is well known that Fallien folk are suspicious of all foreigners, and even if Izvilvin was in service of Jya, I doubt everybody would accept them as one of their own. In the Oasis maybe, but not in the Keep.

I’ll just mention the other mistakes. All Fallien grownups are trained to fight, so some should’ve jumped in to stop Camella from fighting. Suravani’s horses are their treasure; I doubt they would leave the stables widely open and unguarded. Maneuvering through the sand is difficult, horseback or not. From what I gathered, Izvilvin ran away randomly into the desert, not following a road, and sand in such environments is soft and definitely not a good surface to make a horse gallop. The heat was mentioned and ever somewhat rped (mostly by Izvilvin), but you didn’t do it justice. With black skin, Izvilvin better wear some light colors or he’d be one fried drow within an hour, regardless of how well he is trained.

I think you both get the message. Maybe it’s just me, but these details make a difference between good and bad writing. It’s not just describing the environment, but truly being a part of it. Camella, you should really try to incorporate more descriptions of the setting in your writing. In most of your posts I never got a clear idea what was going on around you and I had to use a lot of assumptions while imagining the environment. Izvilvin, you need to work on your setting as well. Granted, once the two of you were in the middle of nowhere, there wasn’t much to describe, but for a majestic place that the Keep is, it felt rather bland to me. Oasis was done a bit better, but your stay there was short so there wasn’t time to elaborate on it.

STRATEGY – 6

For a random fight, this was done fairly well. The fact that Izvilvin put a tail between his legs and ran instead of insisting on the fight in the Oasis was certainly a believable option given the fact that he was injured. Although, if somebody hamstrings you (i.e. cuts the tendons of your leg), I assure you that you would barely be able to stand. Camella did a good job as well, trying to utilize the injury and attacking the wounded leg. The trick with the sand is as old as the sand itself, I guess, so I would be surprised if it wasn’t a part of the fight. The reason I didn’t score this higher was because there were better ways to do this. Example: Izvilvin is attacked by the man. Camella jumps in as she did, cuts the man down and then play it friendly with Izvilvin, asking him if he was ok. Once close enough, she stabs him in the face. She could even go as far to seduce him since I doubt he’s getting any since Rheawien.

WRITING STYLE – 5

Camella, you really need to flesh out your writing. Elaborate on what goes around your character, on what goes on within your character’s head, thought, sounds, smells, peculiar sights, little tidbits of info that every real place has. Brevity is ok, but when you take it too far, it turns into lack of information that in turn leaves the reader pondering on a whole lot of things. Take your time, close your eyes, imagine yourself in Camella’s shoes and describe what you see in your mind’s eye. I assure you that if you do that, you will have less once sentence paragraphs that make your posts choppy and you’ll give a clearer picture to the reader. Be watchful for typos though. Oftentimes you fail to capitalize letters or just misspell words, and though your sentence structure is usually pretty good, your sentences are mostly short which leaves little room for mistakes there, but turns your writing even more choppy.

Izvilvin did a decent job here, I would daresay the usual Cyrus writing; nothing wrong with it, but doesn’t really excel in anything in specific. I didn’t feel that you were fully in this quest though. It seemed to me that it lacked the flair somehow, as if on occasions you weren’t trying hard enough to breathe the life into your posts. Try experimenting with your writing a little bit. Sometimes a simple metaphor will describe something much better then a sentence packed with adjectives.

RISING ACTION – 4

There was little actual progress and action build up here. You both started off on separate sides, met by the river and then just started to fight. The tension of the battle was almost non-existent. Both of you are fighting for your lives, and yet I didn’t get that feeling from your characters. You just fought and that was it. Work on giving a meaning to what you do and how it reflects on your character. Put in some emotions that would describe how desperate the attacks are, how wrathful your characters become, how gradually you lose strength due to loss of blood. These are just some examples that would give spice to your writing and keep the reader at the edge of their seat, devouring the words just to see what happens next.

CLIMAX – 4

Again, very weak. I always stick to the simple rule; if I struggle to find where the climax actually happened, then it probably wasn’t done right. I would say that it happened when Izvilvin shouted “Stop!” and then decided to flee once again, but that’s a rather weak climax on his behalf. With Camella I basically didn’t even feel that there was one. She fought, Izvilvin got away and she gave him the finger. And that was it. Climax was supposed to be the gist of what the story was about, the pinnacle of emotions and thoughts and everything involved. Here there was hardly any. Try to make climaxes more intriguing, making it more personal and more interesting then just throwing sand into someone’s eyes and running away.

DIALOGUE – 5

It was pretty average, that’s the best way I can describe it. I was mostly just menial exchange with the NPCs but given Izvilvin’s language barrier, there could hardly be any decent exchange in the actual fight. I would’ve liked if all Izvilvin’s dialogue was done in drow for consistency sakes, but that’s just nitpicking. On the other had, what was said in drow was done well. At first I thought of making a remark that there was no translation, but then I realized that the explanation given in the narration was perhaps a better way to translate what he meant then just adding a word-to-word translation at the end of the post. Camella, you should put some more character in your dialogues. I felt that most of the NPCs you introduced were like one and the same type of guard that just said words with no personality behind it. This makes the dialogue unbelievable and that is never a good thing. Try adding some hand gestures, some idioms in the voices, some specifics that would differentiate one speaker from the next.

CHARACTER – 4

I’m not too thrilled about the way you portrayed of characters. The best and probably only real description of any character was from Izvilvin’s first two posts. After that it seemed to go downhill. Camella, I learned nothing of your character here. How does she feel being a bounty hunter? How is she feeling about being in a hostile unknown country? What does it mean to her to kill a man? Her thoughts, her emotions, her actions, they all remained unknown to me. Try to make Camella more realistic, try thinking how you would feel if you were her. Also, both of you have to keep in mind that Character reflects the character of NPCs as well and in this quest they were just puppets. Aside from the man that attacked Izvilvin, neither of them really differentiated himself from the other. Just because they don’t play a major role doesn’t mean that they should be run-off-the-mill people that all look, talk and feel like twins.

CONCLUSION – 3

Was there really one? I didn’t exactly feel it. The battle ended and with it the story ended as well, with little or no explanation on what it was all about. Nothing was really resolved, few things were explained and the more I think about it, the more it feels like this wasn’t supposed to end like this. If you proceeded with the story, maybe continue the battle back in Irrakam and get really personal before throwing in the towel, it would enable a more satisfying conclusion. This way it was just a little rumble in the desert that meant little to both of you.

WILD CARD – 6

I probably come off as overly critical, but that’s just the way I operate. This wasn’t a bad quest. You just needed to put a bit more effort in it and give it more sense and pay more attention to details. I hope the enmity between the two continues in another thread.


TOTAL SCORE – 44

Congratulations!


REWARDS:

Camella receives 450 EXP, 100 GP and -3 reputation points in Fallien (because of the murder of the local and stealing of horses)

Izvilvin receives 950 EXP, 100 GP and 0 reputation points (the fact that he was checking out the wellbeing of the locals is nullified by the fact that he stole a horse)

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP added!