Logarthu Manor

[Cyrus the virus]

STORY

Continuity 5 : There is nothing wrong with the continuity here. That said, you may wonder why the score is so average. In all honesty, I felt that if nothing else, the continuity of this story was very, very easy to maintain. The only things that needed to be kept straight were the personalities of your characters, the story of Daven’s trip to Corone, and a few smaller things. In a thread of ten posts and with a straight-forward series of events, I would not feel justified in granting more than a 5 here.

Setting 6 : Why do the people of Logarthu Manor fish as a profession if it is so unprofitable? Surely they can hunt instead, or even mine. If location’s an issue mention why, but at least give a reason for the people settling for the way of life they have. Immerse me in this place that I know nothing about! Subtle explanations like these can add life to your setting without depending on long paragraphs of description and explanation.

Otherwise, the setting was fine, if a little confusing at times. Each of you needed to go through the actions in the fight due to the bunnying, which led to a few inconsistencies and confusing portions that hurt the pacing. Not remarkable, but just fine.

Pacing 3 : Talon, I feel like your explanation of shadowmelding should have gone in your first post, and not your second, as it slows down the pace just a smidgen when the action begins.

As mentioned just above, the style of this battle between characters really hurt the pacing, as Daven would rewrite Talon’s perspective of events, write his own attack and result, and then Talon would reiterate, attack and write the result… It made the fight unnecessarily slow. Typically in fights where opponents bunny one another, the action is faster and more fluid, so I was quite surprised with this approach. If one of you writes an attack and the result of it, there’s no need for the other to go over it once more.

CHARACTER

Dialogue 4 : One thing that bugged me only slightly, but may be a detail to keep in mind in the future, is Tim’s accent in the very first post. It’s explained that he talks the way he does because the Salvar cold numbs the lips of those who live there. But when I try to speak his dialogue without moving my lips, it comes out far differently. I can’t pronounce M’s or B’s properly, though most other pronunciations are alright. With Tim, it seems the opposite. I didn’t dock points for this, but wanted to point it out because I noticed it.

Talon, using ‘likely’ in speech can give a character a feeling of incompetence, but it truly depends on context. In your first post, a boy named Justin, supposedly speaking with terrific grammar, says “if you wish to meet with Lord Logarthu, I am afraid you will likely have to wait” followed by “He leaves early tomorrow morning, likely before dawn and will not be back for at least a week.” You are trying to put him across as a smart, competent person, but the use of the word likely makes him appear unsure. He instead comes across as a mixture of an experienced authority and someone who isn’t incredibly well informed. He’s really only a fleeting character, but even NPC’s should have a lot of effort put into them.

I appreciated the thoughts of Daven in post #5. At that very moment, I was wondering why he was running away! This is either expert timing on your part or just a coincidence, but either way it was good to include.

The end dialogue was just fine, even if I don’t see why Talon is viewed by Trakos as somewhat competent. Surely there are more successful assassins for Trakos to have led his guild, no? I thought perhaps this should have been touched on, given more explanation that Talon being determined. I know Trakos’ personality, though, so I will assume he has many of these types of projects going on.

Action 5 : Talon, I’ll have to dock a single point here for your shadow melding in your introductory post. It’s stated that your character moved forty feet with one transition, when your profile states he may only move ten feet using this method. It’s not really a big deal, just one point.

I like Talon’s inability to hold onto the Shadow World while in intense duress. It lends some weakness to an otherwise incredible ability, and shows that the assassin is not invulnerable.

I can’t say I understand Talon’s willingness to fight a man face-to-face when he can simply shadowmeld away, to strike from behind. This happens after the thrown dagger strikes Daven’s shoulder, and the old man rushes the assassin. The lack of a personality field in Talon’s profile might be adding to my confusion, as I don’t know what kind of a fighter he is, but why backtrack into the dining room and allow Daven even the slightest chance of winning? I didn’t feel this decision was justified, for after throwing the water on his face, I assume Talon to be composed enough to once again step into the Shadow World.

Persona 8 : Daven is the type to forego sense and rush blindly at his opponent, which is precisely what he did after being hit with Talon’s trademark dagger. Makes sense. Talon is a killer assassin who has no reason to speak even a single word to his mark, which makes sense.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics 5 : Always try to reread your post and find things you would change. There are some words in this thread I would love to see replaced, as they were somewhat distracting because of how out of place they seemed. Daven refers to a feeling of danger behind him in his second post as ‘vast’, and I found it distracting. I would not refer to a warning as vast, but sudden or abrupt. It sort of makes sense as it’s sent by a large fireplace, but not quite. Another reason to reread is that at the bottom of your second post, Daven, you mention the stairs three times.

An apostrophe is a funny thing. It should not go here: “Daven hated assassin's more than any other criminal”. Put an apostrophe there only if you’re mentioning something the assassin owns, such as in this case: “The assassin’s blade gleamed in the moonlight”. This is a very common mistake. If you already knew this, it only strengthens the point I made about rereading posts.

Besides these and a few other mistakes, both of you have clean styles that are easy to read. Just reread your posts, and then we’ll work on some more advanced techniques you could use to improve the impact of your stories.

Technique 6 : If there’s one section of the rubric that I am not qualified to judge, it’s this one. My grasp of advanced techniques is very limited, though I can spot them well enough to give some credit for them.

Using “like daggers in Talon's eyes” brings to me a terrific representation of the feeling he must have had at being temporarily blinded. It’s so much more effective than “The bright light forced Talon’s eyes closed” or something similar. Well done. “Like a vicious dog eager for the kill”, from Daven, is the same. I can visualize it.

Clarity 7 : One thing that isn’t terrible, but perhaps should be reconsidered in order for easier reading, is showing past dialogue. I’m referring to the explanation on how Talon got the assassination job in his first post. Try putting that part in italics, or constructing a stronger transition from present to past and then back.

Daven, I don’t understand how your character could shoot a gust of wind down a fireplace (post #3) if he was not on the roof, looking down the chimney. This could have been worded better, or explained a bit more thoroughly, as I was pretty confused about it for a few moments before I continued to read. Did you mean across it?

In Daven’s final post, there is a change I’d like to make. “An assassin. He was trying to kill me, and nearly succeeded had you not shown up.” I would change this to read “An assassin. He was trying to kill me, and would have succeeded had you not shown up.” It reads better and makes more sense this way. Another reason to reread. There are a few similar errors in the story, but this was the most obvious to me due to it being right at the end.

Wild Card 5 : There was no lack of effort here, but not much of it either. Wild Card, to me, signifies effort, so… Average ahoy!

Total: 54

Daven Logarthu gains 350 exp, 100 gold and his spell.
Talon gains 460 exp, 300 gold and the map.

[Cyrus the virus]

Rewards added!