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Thread: The return of Venerus.

  1. #51
    Carpetmuncher
    EXP: 1,354, Level: 1
    Level completed: 68%, EXP required for next level: 646
    Level completed: 68%,
    EXP required for next level: 646
    GP
    3,102
    Cyrus the virus's Avatar

    Name
    Luc Kraus
    Age
    33
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5' 6'' 145 lbs

    Luc let out a sigh of relief as Venerus' limp, smoking corpse fell from its hovering perch and to the floor. He wanted to crumble to the floor himself and rest, to fall into a state of deep sleep, but the rumbling of the walls told him it was not yet time to relax.

    “He was holding this place together himself! We need to move!”

    By the time he yelled it, Delta had already gathered up the fallen Edward and was charging toward Luc and the door. Responding to her cry, Luc propped himself under Edward’s other arm and together they dragged him back through the rooms. He had time to consider, now, the strange occurrences concerning Delta and Venus. As much as he wanted to understand how they occupied the same being, he simply couldn’t.

    The team reached the upstairs balcony to find it mostly collapsed. Luc ploughed forth and toward the stairs, but as he reached them, the floor beneath him began to crumble. The three figures fell back just in time, as the stairs below them crumbled to dust. Now, they appeared to be stuck on a platform that would not hold for much longer.

    “Be still,” Luc asked of his friends, though only one could hear him. As exhausted as he was, Luc knew he had enough left in him to carry them down. The balcony began to collapse, but it was rock – and as such, was under his command.

    It was trying, but the balcony held. It had broken off from the wall, but hovered slowly to the ground. Eyes closed, Luc couldn’t hide his exasperation as sweat covered his face. The last two feet was a drop, and the group stumbled.

    They gathered themselves and escaped the structure. From the outside, Luc could see that it was pulsating, swelling with power even as it collapsed. He looked around desperately. Then his eyes shot open.

    In the distance, perhaps a five minute sprint away, was Suravani’s Oasis. It seemed to be reverberating with a magical power. Parts of the structures were fading.

    “Suravani’s Oasis is being transported back to Fallien!” he realized, exclaiming the fact as loudly as he could. The group began to make their way toward the desert city, moving forward as quickly as they could while still supporting the unconscious Edward.

    The city was still present as they neared. Luc let Delta take Edward forward as he began to go through his pockets, looking a component to a spell that might take them there faster. If they could get within the city before it was gone, perhaps it would take them back to Althanas.

    Delta and Edward got close. Luc was a ways behind when he was suddenly dragged to the ground. He hit hard and lost his breath, and could feel something heavy on him. He turned his head as much as he could, and caught a glance of a grinning green face.

    “Go!” he demanded of Delta. Suravani’s Oasis was leaving, and as far as he knew there would be no other way of leaving the Great Nether. “I will see you again! There are other worlds than these!”

    Too exhausted to mount any real offense, Luc barely managed to draw his blade and parry a blow from the demon’s claw.
    Cold, jade eyes that liquify
    eyes that are merciless,
    staring in mute mockery
    and in mockery of the muteness

  2. #52
    Member
    GP
    822
    2-in-1's Avatar

    Name
    Delta Retla/ Venus Dimone
    Age
    28 and 32 respectively
    Race
    both are elven
    Gender
    both are female
    Hair Color
    blue and black, respectively
    Eye Color
    Green and silver, respectively
    Build
    5'1"/ 170 LBS and 5'9"/172 LBS, respectively
    Job
    Both are Adventurers

    Edward was still unconcious from his spell when Delta took him down the stairs and out of the castle with Luc's help. There seemed to be a strong magical influence around Suravani’s Oasis that Luc had pointed out. It did, indeed, seem like the town was going back to where it belonged.

    Delta rushed forward with Edward in tow. Luc seemed to be lagging a bit behind, but Delta was pretty sure he could still make it. Suddenly a Chill went up her spine, something was wrong. Turning to look, she saw something grabbing on to Luc and attacking him. She couldn't tell what it was from this distance, though. Under normal circumstances, Delta would have helped Luc despite his plees to continue on without him, but Delta had to get Edward out as quickly as possible. She rushed into Suravani’s Oasis as quickly as possible and set Edward down by the entry gate. She attempted to exit after setting Edward down, but it was too late. Suravani’s Oasis was back in Fallien.

    "Darn it" Delta said to herself as she turned back around and picked Edward back up. "Oh, well. Let's get you to a medical center."
    Last edited by 2-in-1; 04-26-07 at 10:08 AM.
    I would really like an Avatar for this username, but I can't find anything that would fit. Please PM me if you find something you think would fit. thank you.
    -------------------
    2 women, each with a body and soul of thier own. Shame that they cannot exist on the planet at the same time.

    Check out all my usernames: Edward Judorne, 2-in-1, Camella, Shell, Mellissa, Crystal Suncrest, Jack Lancer, and Mink

  3. #53
    Member
    GP
    720
    Edward Judorne's Avatar

    Name
    Edward Judorne
    Age
    32
    Race
    Half-elf
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    black
    Eye Color
    green
    Build
    5'2"/148 lbs
    Job
    Prince

    (Going to have to do a bit of bunnying between my two characters here, sorry.)

    Edward woke up in the medical center in Suravani’s Oasis to find Delta staring down at him.

    "Ugh. I feel like a meteor hit me. Did I get him?"

    Delta nodded. "Well, somebody did anyway, the thing is that I couldn't see anything from behind that wall. I actually thought it was Luc who..."

    "What's wrong. What happened to Luc?"

    Delta explained to Edward all that went on after he went unconscious.

    "I wouldn't worry about it too much, Delta. He is a tough man who can surely take care of himself."

    Delta just glared at him and left the room to cry to herself about what she considered to be a lost comrade.

    Edward got up and stared out the window.

    "C'mon, Luc. I know you have what it takes to get back to us."
    "Too predictable"
    ---
    Now with a Damascus bladed rapier. among other things

    Member of "The League of International Intrigue"

  4. #54
    Carpetmuncher
    EXP: 1,354, Level: 1
    Level completed: 68%, EXP required for next level: 646
    Level completed: 68%,
    EXP required for next level: 646
    GP
    3,102
    Cyrus the virus's Avatar

    Name
    Luc Kraus
    Age
    33
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5' 6'' 145 lbs

    Though short and stocky, the green demon with red horns was as dense as a heavy metal, seemingly made of nothing but muscle and tough skin. Even as Luc’s blade scraped against its claw, it showed no sign of pain. Rather, its second limb came in hard, tearing long gashes through Luc’s tunic and ribs.

    He screamed in pain, felt paralyzed by it, but did not surrender. The Sword of Slykrit was still between them, and only with an immense amount of concentration could Luc ignite it. The flames licked up violently, singing the demon and sending it off of him to scurry away for the moment. The mage, bleeding profusely and suffering from a myriad of wounds, could only prop himself up on an elbow and look around desperately.

    Suravani’s Oasis was gone, and surprisingly, so was Venerus’ castle. It was as if neither had ever been there, and only the mist and the pillars of black rock existed.

    The demon had retreated several steps away, but was showing signs of once again attacking. It was content to watch the flaming sword thoughtfully, licking the streams of Luc’s blood as they coursed down its arm.

    “Human tastes good, Fyshrie wonders how much blood you human can produce over eternity in the Nether,” it said, it’s voice dripping with maniacal glee at the potential for revenge.

    Luc’s understanding of the demon tongue was limited, but demons often spoke of the same things anyhow. It was safe to assume that the demon was content to consume him as slowly as possible. The human spoke two syllables and enacted his spell of Blessed Speech, enabling himself to speak and understand the demon tongue for a half hour.

    “Demon, how serves the Nether as a home?” he asked between labored breaths. Without waiting for an answer, he continued. “Wouldn’t you rather be in the realm of living again?”

    Fyshrie stopped his ravenous consumption of Luc’s blood long enough to cackle. “Nether is no home, fool human! It is realm of the dead, of the damned. No one dies and no one lives, and all follow Glimmery dragon.”

    Luc tried not to grow irritated at the demon’s lack of an answer. “So on the realm of living, on Althanas, ruled by nobody, would be your preference. No dragon to rule you and no mist to blind you.”

    As critical a demon as Fyshrie was, he looked about as intrigued as his face would allow. Luc seized the opportunity and clutched at that curiosity. “I am a wizard, I can sweep us both from this place, but what I need is time. Transport between realms is not common, but I can accomplish it if you give me the chance. I will gladly take you from this place with me.”

    The Sword of Slykrit fell to the ground as Luc lost his focus, the flames licking out as the metal clanged against stone. Luc gasped and clenched his eyes shut, struggling to stay conscious. To collapse on the Nether was to invite an eternity of suffering. Luc’s will proved more powerful than that of his body.

    “Let us be partners… For this brief time,” he managed.

    Fyshrie looked at the remains of blood on his hand, just a few droplets now, then locked his crimson eyes with Luc’s emerald, bloodshot orbs. “Fyshrie will keep you for now, human, but not for long. Take me from this place before my thirst grows again.”

    Luc didn’t know how long he had, but it was longer than Fyshrie would have allowed if he hadn’t struck a bargain. The mage figured he had a few days’ time in the Nether to learn the intricacies of plane-traveling. Amidst a plethora of demons and a dragon that ruled over them all, his odds did not look good.

    And all because of a pair of women trapped in one body. In retrospect, Luc could not blame himself for the mistake.

    ((Holy Christ that was long. Spoils = gold, please ))
    Cold, jade eyes that liquify
    eyes that are merciless,
    staring in mute mockery
    and in mockery of the muteness

  5. #55
    Member
    GP
    100
    AdventWings's Avatar

    Name
    Raven Adventwings
    Age
    Take a wild guess
    Race
    Felisionne
    Gender
    I'mma Guy!
    Hair Color
    Raven Black
    Eye Color
    Deep Brown
    Build
    6 ft / 143 lbs.
    Job
    Fighter Pilot - MIA

    Return of the Judge

    I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

    OK! Very sorry for the long wait, you guys. It's time for Judgment!

    Story

    Continuity - 4/10

    2-in-1 told us this is a continuation of a previous quest, although it would be quite better to have some form of literary link to the previous adventure. The details that I did managed to link back to the previous adventure was mentioned, but it was a bit too fleeting and fragmented to completely understand how the whole situation actually started. It could be better, that is what I will say.


    Setting - 4/10

    Sporatic, inconsistent, but you made good with interacting with what little you had. It could definitely use some more showing through usage and a bit less about merely seeing it. The part where Edward used the rocks to lob the armored suits was ingenious as well as fitting. The other parts, however, could use some more realism.

    Pacing - 3/10

    A big, big, problem with this quest was... that it had a very spartan feel to both action and plot development. Fight scenes that should be elaborated on were started and finished within a single paragraph. One action scene was literally wrapped up in a single post, only to be expanded upon from three different perspectives. Three posts dedicated to one scene that was not exactly gripping... much. Edward/2-in-1 is more guilty in this field than Cyrus, as the tendency to speed through posts seems to be the norm for you. Along with overlapping your posts and reiterating the previous poster's speech, it makes the reading pace very tedious.

    Writing Style

    Mechanics - 5/10

    Nothing special, with some typos that could be avoided. They were a bit hard to catch but did not serve to add any literary flavor either. Mostly on Edward's and 2-in-1's side (but they're the same writer, anyway) though Cyrus also had one or two here and there.

    Technique - 4/10

    Most of the literary technique came from Cyrus, but I saw a few from 2-in-1 that could definitely use some development. Suggestion: Add a bit of simile here and there, mix up some more usage with alternative names in place of pronouns and proper names. Also try adding some metaphor, but make sure the sentence flows smoothly as well.

    Clarity - 3/10

    Clarity of a thread is not merely "Is the quest easy to read" or "Does the thread make sense" but also "Do the actions taken here make sense and serve a purpose?" For one thing, Edward's writing style is a bit hard to read, especially if the scenes just fly by and things happen out of nowhere. The Dragon Attack in particular, since dragons normally would not raid a human establishment on Althanas. Most of the big ones are either too smart to go on a rampage or mostly dead. But the thing that really made it look odd was the fact that it barely had anything to do with the struggle against Venerus.

    Character

    Dialogue - 4/10

    Venus' dialogue was a bit trite, while Delta actually had some concrete personality in her word choices. Edward was.. a bit generic and Luc's was just him.

    Action - 3/10

    Some worked out fitting to the character, but much of Venus' and Delta's stance towards fighting seemed a bit too enthusiastic and seemed more keen on getting herself into trouble than anything else. Be a bit careful about how you portray your characters and how their actions/reactions fit their character thoughts and wants.

    Persona - 4/10

    Not much personality development, but there are twists that have very powerful potential. I was a bit disappointed by such superficial usage of the Venus/Delta duality while fighting against that ogre.

    Miscellaneous

    Wild Card - 6/10

    I felt I was a bit harsh on this quest, but I was expecting a really good read for a battle on such an epic scale as this.

    FINAL SCORE – 40!

    2-in-1 receives 730 EXP and 400 GP.

    Edward Judorne receives 700 EXP and 300 GP.

    Cyrus the Virus receives 2,000 EXP and 350 GP.
    The year's at the spring,
    And day's at the morn;
    Morning's at seven;
    The hill-side's dew-pearled;
    The lark's on the wing;
    The snail's on the thorn;

    God's in his Heaven - All's right with the world...


    ~Pippa Passes; by Robert Browning

  6. #56
    Carpetmuncher
    EXP: 1,354, Level: 1
    Level completed: 68%, EXP required for next level: 646
    Level completed: 68%,
    EXP required for next level: 646
    GP
    3,102
    Cyrus the virus's Avatar

    Name
    Luc Kraus
    Age
    33
    Race
    Human
    Gender
    Male
    Hair Color
    Brown
    Eye Color
    Green
    Build
    5' 6'' 145 lbs

    EXP and gold added!

    I level up. Yay me!
    Cold, jade eyes that liquify
    eyes that are merciless,
    staring in mute mockery
    and in mockery of the muteness

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