Intelligence, Maturity, and the Difference Between the Two

[Nymph and Dragon]

Twyla!

The nymph yelped aloud and jumped back like a child caught red-handed in a cookie jar, quickly shutting her eyes so that the dragon wouldn’t be able to see what she was doing through them. Her hands were tightly clenched around a tinder and flint, the only fire-starting tools that the drunken wives had been able to find.

What do you want? She put more annoyance into the thought than she was actually feeling to hide the frantic beating of her heart.

The lead bandit, the one you scratched across the face; he’s Sora’s husband!

Who the crap is “Sora?”

It’s . . . her. The image of the brown-haired hostess floated into her mind, matching the slack visage of the woman who was now slouching against the hallway wall. She had left the room before Twyla had sent the rest off after more lamps and fire-starting material, then wandered back in and rejoined the flock, all of whom were now sitting in the hall, making animal noises and laughing at each other.

Oh, her? I knew that. She held her breath, hoping that was all it’d wanted to tell her.

You knew that?

Twyla didn’t like the note of dubious incredulity in his voice. I’m not stupid, viper. I got to peek under the mask a couple of times, and his picture’s hanging in the hallway. And she’s the only one who could have warned the bandits when we tried to escape.

It would have been nice of you to tell me that.

Hey, I had to work for that information. You would’ve had to promise me at least a year of silence in return for it.

His presence in her mind suddenly grew sharper. What are you doing?

Nothing. Her reply was rushed, and she followed it by quickly sending images of naked Sirens from her memories across their link, pictures that usually made him prudishly back off from her mind. This time the distraction didn’t work.

Stop that. What are you doing?

None of your business, she retorted. Get out of my head and leave me alone!

There was a pause in which its presence did retreat a little and Twyla almost breathed a sigh of relief. Then the mistrusting worry brought him scurrying back.

I’m coming down there.

“Blast!” The Elemental’s physical presence was getting nearer. Twyla opened her eyes and quickly struck flint and tinder together, haste making her fingers clumsy so that it took three tries before she was able to get a spark to hit the trail of oil that ended in front of where she sat in the doorway.

The spark flared to life, and she watched with a triumphant smile as the blaze raced along the path of oil that she’d made on the carpet, zipping forward until it reached the damp cushions of the couches, where it then burst into a bright and cheerful bonfire that rapidly spread across the entire pile that she had made of all the tables and chairs that she and her drunken crew had been able to push together. Twyla sat back on her heels and gazed with admiration at her work, wishing there was someone of acknowledgeable intelligence whom she could appreciate the moment with.

[Nymph and Dragon]

A cold tendril wrapped around her waist and jerked her backwards into the hallway, lifting her to her feet and setting her roughly against the wall. Dizzy from the rush of blood out of her head, she didn’t even have time to object before an aqueous figure rushed past her into the burning room.

Why are you so childish?

The anger in its voice made her stomp forward, and she looked into the room in time to see a giant blanket of water come crashing down over the furniture pile that she had worked so hard to assemble. She felt a flash of fiery pain across her face and the front of her torso, and then the water that had smothered her beautiful fire was coalescing in front of her into a humanoid form that insolently mirrored her hands-on-hips stance. Smoke drifted in lazy swirls near the ceiling and the smell of charred wood filled her nose. Where was she going to get more oil? The dragon’s anger simmered just on the edge of her consciousness, but she made no effort to keep her own fury from flooding across the bond.

“You had no right to do that to my fire,” she declared hotly.

You didn’t have the right to set the house on fire in the first place. There's a Militia patrol coming this way, and considering that you've just committed vandal and attempted murder, I think it's time that we left.

“Who are you to tell me-"

Twyla, it said, voice ripe with patronizing patience, shut up.

She blinked, her mouth opening and then shutting beneath her veil.

“You’re just like a woman, you know that?" she spat. "You can’t take responsibility for your own actions and you always try to put the blame on someone, anyone else, so long as you don’t have to be held accountable!”

The Elemental didn’t answer, but her mind was suddenly filled with an image of herself slouched against a wall, balancing a bottle on her stomach and staring dully at another in her hand. Her cheeks went hot beneath her scarf, but no matter how hard she tried to push it away the image stayed fixed in her thoughts. Twyla uttered an indignant squeak and glared furiously at the dragon. So much for his aversion to mind-control!

The Elemental shook its watery head in frustration. It was definitely a mistake to leave you alone.

Twyla couldn't believe that it was still arguing with her, but the curtness of its voice made her think that this was a battle that she might not be able to win.

“Well," she snapped haughtily, "As long as you can admit that you were wrong.” She sniffed haughtily and turned away from the Elemental, striding off down the hall without a backwards glance. Whether or not there was a patrol coming, she had already decided that it was time to depart. She was going to get herself out of the house, whether or not the drunk women and the bossy Elemental followed.

When she reached the foyer she briefly wondered whether there were more bandits outside, waiting to shoot anyone who exited without permission, but she ignored the thought and pulled open the front door, cringing against the brightness of the sun as she stepped onto the blood-stained porch. If there were more murderous bandits, the Elemental could do its job and take care of them for her.

He had to be good for something.

[Nymph and Dragon]

______-______-______-_____

Twyla stood beneath the eaves of a building and watched as members of the Militia bustled in and out through the front door of the large house across the street, one hand shadowing her eyes to save them from the sun's burning light. Every militiaman coming out escorted a dark-clothed figure, all of whom were being forcibly loaded into a large, box-like wagon whose sides were more iron bar than they were wood.

A few feet away from the front porch, the head of the Militia patrol was standing with a group of four young couples, listening avidly to a busty blonde who was tearfully describing some harrowing event or other in a muted voice. A tall, thin man had an arm protectively around her shoulders, and Twyla snickered. The husbands had come running when they’d received note that the guards had rescued their wives, and they’d all greeted their spouses with adoring and appropriately relieved displays of affection. The Elemental had refused to tell her whether or not any of them actually meant what they said, and Twyla had decided not to press the question too far.

Twyla looked up in time to see the only dark-skinned woman in the group suddenly double over and retch noisily onto the ground in front of her feet. Kathryn's hand flew to her mouth and she jerked out of her husband's hold to spin and copy Gianna. The nymph grimaced vindictively as the other two exhibited similar symptoms of wine-induced nausea, leaving their confused husbands to pat their shoulders and give each other confused looks. It served them right. She turned to watch the last of the Militia file out of the house, pushing the last bandit into the cart before it was slammed shut and locked.

“There were only sixteen,” she commented scornfully as the full wagon rumbled away.

Eighteen, if you count Sora’s husband and the bandits’ leader.

“Where are they? I hope you killed them.”

I didn’t. They’re being questioned inside.

She scowled. “What about the brunette?”

Sora?

“Whatever. Where is she?”

She’s inside too. The Lord General knows about the conspiracy.

Twyla snorted. “Did you leave an anonymous tip?”

The Elemental’s eyes flashed with amusement. Direct deposit. It actually registered more as a flash of inspiration when she saw his portrait, but the man seemed more than willing to confess anyway, so it all amounts to the same thing.

“And what is that?”

A happy ending, he said with facetious solemnity.

The nymph rolled her eyes. “The random bandits get locked away for obeying a stupid man's orders, a bunch of stupid young women with a newfound penchant for wine are reunited with their shallow and equally stupid husbands, and the only intelligent entity involved is injured and still stuck with the stupid and obnoxious presence of a talking serpent. Happy ending, my ass.” She turned and set off down the street.

Where are you going?

“None of your business."

His pointed silence made Twyla uncomfortable, but she waited for a few seconds before continuing. "What are you, my keeper? I'm going to find someplace to swim, and then I'm going back to work, if that's okay with you. I took all that trouble to sneak into their dumb club and didn’t find out anything except that they, like all humans, are idiots, which I already knew. So I’m going to find a bar and get some real research done.”

And here I thought you'd learned a lesson from your last little alcoholic episode.

Twyla missed a step and stumbled to catch her balance, straightening with an arrogant flick of her hair. She studiously ignored him and continued her nonchalant glide down the street. The Elemental looked back to the group of four couples, feeling a touch of empathy for the ones who felt subconscious and well-hidden disappointment at their brides' safe return. Such were the risks of every permanent partnership, be it voluntary or not. He looked down the street after the blue-gowned figure of the nymph, who was muttering vulgarities under her breath as she walked away. A few paces ahead of her a man's mind start yelling about how he would take the approaching "young woman" into the alley behind him for "a good time."

The Elemental sighed. He already knew that trying to warn her would just make her more stubborn about walking on. He would teach her how to behave, even if he had to endure all the same injuries she recieved to get the lesson across. He flexed his claws and used her eyes to gauge the distance between the nymph and the waiting assailant. Aside from the need for instruction, her snooty refusal to communicate had been getting on his nerves. Two could play that game.

Three.

A flash of annoyance floated across the bond. What?

Two.

What the hell are you counting?

One.

The nymph's petrified shriek came just as he sent a zero flying into her head.

"SNAKE!"

He watched through her eyes as the man grabbed her shoulders and shoved her backwards into the alley, following with a rotten-toothed leer and reaching for the neckline of her dress. The Elemental darted forward then, melting into an aqueous version of his draconic form as he sped across the cobbles.

A keeper, he repeated to himself as he snaked around the corner with his fangs bared. Maybe that's exactly what I am.















Spoils: None.

[Massacre]

Let me start off with saying, wow. This is quite long but despite that and reading it on a computer screen, I thought it was very well done. I'll include things you did well and things you can improve upon. Here goes--


STORY - Overall, the story was a common theme (then again, what isn't?) and I like the twist you put on it, that the woman was actually involved is well, that really got me at the end.

Continuity 7/10 ~ I'm not sure how Twyla and the Dragon got to Knife's Edge but that didn't deter me from the story very much. I thought that the reason why she was actually at the small gathering could have been included somewhere in the thread, but that could be revealed in a sequel. For the most part, you left off very nicely into what could be another Salvaran adventure.

Setting 7/10 ~ I felt you did this well, nice descriptions for the most part. The only thing was that I didn't have a real sense of how big or small the rooms really were except your "forty paces" description. Also, when you're in Salvar it's usually wise to make mention of the snow, those noblewomen probably would try and stay on the deck if it was snowy out. Nice job overall though.

Pacing 7/10 ~ I thought this was done very well. I read straight through except when I needed to get up from the computer for something else, it read like a novel would most of the time, some of the character switching wasn't well marked though - I'll address that in clarity.

CHARACTER

Dialogue 7/10 ~ Let me say this - dialogue seems to be one of your strong points. Twyla's harsh words stayed consistent and she displayed her disgust well, the dragon's (does he have a name, I can't seem to recall one) cool and collective patience was shown through his dialogue. Some of the bandit things seemed like the usual things you hear from a bandit, but then again, bandits aren't the most creative and well versed of speakers. There are some complaints about the way it was written that will be addressed in the writing style area of the judging.

Action 8/10 ~ Very well done, I found myself understanding everything that went on, the bandits pushing the women around, the dragon's actions, everything.

Persona 6/10 ~ While you displayed Twyla's emotions very well, I think that the women were a bit generic, you used a description to have a go at them all a couple times and that seemed a bit boring - I found myself skimming through that. Overall though, Twyla's misanthropy, the dragon's cool, collective self, and the whole crew were pretty well done.

WRITING STYLE

Mechanics 6/10 ~ There were occasional spelling errors and one instance were you had the BB code showing because you forgot your slash on the second part to end it. For the most part you did fine on spelling. There were a few grammar errors here and there and I remember thinking that some of the sentences could be re-worded or put together to flow better.

Technique 6/10 ~ Most of your sentences flowed well, some rhymed and that really kept the reading smooth. No real complaints except the following example that applies to both mechanics and technique.

"It’d been a while since Twyla had had to weasel her way out of a dilemma, and she’d never had to charm her way out of a life-and-death situation before..." [Post 16]

You do this a lot, using those dashes where they're unnecessary.

"...out of a life and death situation..." looks much cleaner and is technically proper. If you're unsure about this from now on, consult someone (I'd be happy to look over posts or point more of these out) or just don't use the dashes at all. Like a comma, "When in doubt, leave it out."

Clarity 6/10 ~ Like mentioned in setting, you did it well for the most part but a few descriptions were lacking or on occasion, a bit too much.

Wild Card 7/10 ~ I thought it was a good read despite the time it took to to do! I wish I had read this without having to look closer at it. Maybe some day when I'm not judging it I'll take another look. Very solid effort overall. Nice job.

The total is: 70/100

Nymph and Dragon earns 1377 EXP and 462 GP

Congratulations!

[Cyrus the virus]

EXP and gold added!