Fetch Quest #274

[Elijah_Morendale]

Sketch continued walking through the forest, wincing in pain with every step. It had been a good half an hour since he had taken Elijah's ice ball to the ribcage. His right hand clutched his side as he made his way down the path. He believed that the impact had broken a rib or two, but he had other problems to worry about at the moment. He had failed his objective of acquiring the drugs, and for that he would surely face severe consequences. His employer would be none to happy with the news.

A little bit in the distance, he could make out the pained ramblings of Hilden. So, short shit is still alive... Well, for now. Sketch believed that the only way to escape the wrath of his boss was to completely disappear from the face of Althanas, and the only way to do that was eliminate anyone who would have even the slightest clue as to where he was. Seeing as the tall man with the bandanna took care of Jarvis, only Hilden remained. A small grin curled Sketch's lips as he drew what remained of his whip, preparing to strangle his future belated co-worker.

--*--

"Hey! There's a lot of people out and about! He's gonna' grab the bag and disappear into the crowd!"

The voice had taken a liking to making Elijah paranoid for the past few hours, repeatedly reminding him that Raziel had double-crossed him once already, and that it was only a matter of time before he'd try to pull something again. However, Elijah couldn't care less at this point. He was exhausted, hungry, and still in disbelief that they were tricked into doing a drug run. He had no room in his mind for paranoia.

The mornings of Scara Brae seemed to be just as busy as the rest of the day. Multitudes of people were scattered around the dusty cobblestone streets, opening up their shops and discussing their various hangovers and how to get rid of them. As Elijah and Raziel drew closer to Jeremiah's little shop, they stopped. Elijah looked at the navigator with a quizzical look. "What do you mean, options?"

[Raziel]

“What do you mean, options?”

This really sucks. Raziel rubs his temples and wills his exhaustion away. Outside the streets were beginning to come alive with various people peddling their wares. Sigh. Here we go. “Well really option. In case you haven’t realized mate, we are late. The sun has risen, we have missed our deadline, and we are going to be penalized. And besides think about it, this possessions we are transporting is quite expensive. You really think that old man in the shop has enough money left to pay what we should be properly paid?” Raziel’s body tenses with each passing minute, being out in the open with such a hefty prize has left him slighty paranoid. Rubbing his temples even harder, “So I suggest, we take half of the pouches and we sell them ourselves. No middle-man, no explaintions, just more money for the both of us.”

Elijah shouldering the package, throws his hands in front of himself as to stop an oncoming train. “Whoa, whoa, your suggesting to risk ourselves in order to get more money. Just a little reminder, but we have already seen what happens when people do not want to pay for the drugs. And I will not risk myself just for a little more money, when I can get my reward from Jeremaih safely and securely.” Elijah staring downing Raziel, making him feel an inch tall.

Raziel gaining back his composure, “Well, mate…”

“No, this is how it’s going to be.” Elijah reaches inside the package and pulls out half of the pouches. Shouldering the bag again he shoves the pouches into Raziel’s chest. “You take half and do what ever the hell it is you want to do. And I will take my half back to Jeremiah.” Elijah spins on his heels and walks away for a very stunned navigator.

“And what will you tell him about only half the package?” Raziel shouted but Elijah just ignored him and continued on his way.

Raziel quickly stashes the pouches into his sleeves, he scans the quickly filling streets for anyone who might have been watching, but soon realizes everyone could have been watching. Jumpy and paranoid Raziel continues down desolated back alleys and awaits night for a certain bar to open.

Night time has fallen, a very stiff and still exhausted Raziel appers from a cramp doorway with bloodshot eyes and a very pissed off demeanor. He has spent the entire time curled in a ball eyeing everyone who passed by, beliving anyone of them could attack him at any moment. He walked the short distance to an umarked door and knocked three times then kicked it. A slit in the door opened around eye level. "What's the password?" A pair of eyes stared back at Raziel's somber face. "Open up this damn door, before I shoot you in your eye," Raziel showed no expression as he threaten the doorman. The dark eyes of the doorman peered at the navigator, as if they were sizing up Raziel's threat. Then the sound of multiple locks being turned brought Raziel out of his sullen state. As Raziel stepped into the unmarked bar, a deep laugh was heard behind him. "I hope you don't get into to much trouble tonight Raziel," the doorman slapped him on his back almost knocking him off his feet. Raziel gave a weak smile and quickly scampered to a dark recess of the bar. He sat down in the shadows and scanned the area looking for his buyer. A serving wench came over to get Raziel's order.

"What can I get for you tonight hun?" She gave a sweet wink.

"Nothing, but I need to you find Wal and get him over here." Raziel said never looking up at her.

The wench, weary to disturb Wal walks behind the bar and into the backroom. A minute later, an ample, tattooed, wall of a man found his self on the opposite side of a battle beaten navigator.

Wal giving a heart warming smile,"Raz I should kill you for the shit you pulled last time you were here, what the hell do you want?"

Raziel quickly reaches into his sleeve and products one of the pouches and slides it across the table. "I have six of them, I want them all gone. I figured you are the best man for this sort of thing mate." Raziel stared at Wal as he examed the pouch.

Wal laughed long and deep. "I will take five of them, and you will only get half of the price."

"What!? No all six, I don't care about the price but you take all six."

"Raz you are not in the position to argue, I am the only one who will take these and I only want five." Wal's warmth left his eyes and stared at Raziel giving him cold chills down his spine.

Raziel gritted his teeth, "Fine, give me the money now."

Wal slid a small leather bag filled with gold to Raziel and left the table pocketing five small pouches filled with the deadly white substance. Raziel snatched the bag and bolted out the door. I need to get out of Scara Brae tonight. The last traces of Raziel in Scara Brae was his foot steps echoing off the building as he ran towards the harbor.

((Spoils: One pouch containing 4oz of cocaine.))

[Elijah_Morendale]

Raziel's words echoed through Elijah's head as he made his way back to Jeremiah's store. "What's-his-nuts was right, you know. How do you plan on explaining the missing drugs to that crusty old geezer?"

Elijah quickly ducked into an alleyway where he could be alone. He was in no mood to put up with the voice's increasingly persistant nagging, and decided that it was high time for a heart to mind. When he was sure that he was out of sight and hearing range of the bustling morning crowds of Scara Brae, he threw the six pouches of cocaine that were his onto the grimy cobblestones and slowly sat down, propping himself up against a building.

"Why can't you just leave me alone," he cried out, almost breaking down into a sob. The nearly forty hours without sleep--a good portion of that time without food--was beginning to take a toll on him.

"Because," the voice responded with a touch of pity, "If you don't want to get your ass kicked so much, then you should listen to me a bit more."

Elijah let his head roll to the left. However, instead of seeing a stretch of dimly lit, run down alleyway, he could see a familiar-looking redhead sitting next to him. Her hair was slightly messy, her bangs still covering the right side of her face. She still had that same smile crossing her lips; the one that made her look like she was about to commit a thousand murders and get off scot-free.

Elijah muttered to himself, "Great. I'm exhausted, I'm hungry, and now I'm hallucinating." He slightly knocked his head against the building, hoping that the dull pain would clear him of the tricks his mind was playing on him.

The imaginary woman casually looked up at the morning sky, her smile downgrading from maniacal to simply smug. "The way I see it, if you go back to Jeremiah's with only half of what he's looking for, then you're screwed. He'll have some big dudes interrogate you about that navigator guy's whereabouts, which, obviously, you don't know."

Elijah sharply interrupted, "Yes, but if I take this crap and go and sell it to some other schmuck, Jeremiah'll eventually catch on that he won't be receiving his drugs, and chances are he'll put some sort of bounty on my ass. Then I'm screwed that way, too."

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't." The woman let out a high pitched giggle.

Suddenly, Elijah could hear a pair footsteps approaching him. His heart leaped into his throat, his hand almost instinctively reaching for his dagger. No, the old guy wouldn't have anyone out looking for me and Raziel yet... A man slowly made his way around the corner--A very dirty man, at that. His grimy hair crept out from underneath a weathered wool cap in sporadic patterns. His skin was just as dirty, and there were numerous holes of varying sizes dotting his leather vest and pants. There probably would've been holes in his shoes as well, but that would be assuming that the man was lucky enough to own a pair--which he wasn't.

Lazily, the man glared at Elijah, who was still sitting on the ground. "S'cuse me, buddy, you're in my alley. Mind shoving off?"

Elijah glanced warily at the beggar. "Huh? Oh, sorry." He slowly rose to his feet, collecting the six paper pouches of narcotics he dropped minutes ago, shoving them into his jacket's pockets. As he walked past the beggar, he had to hold his breath in--the fetid odor of the unwashed man brought tears to his eyes.

"Hoo, boy! You stink, chief! Go take a fuckin' bath or something!" The imaginary woman fanned the air in front of her imaginary nose as she walked past.

"Shut up, he can't hear you."

The beggar turned around. "Didja' say something?"

Elijah didn't bother to look back. "No. Not to you." He didn't care if the man thought he was crazy, for he had other things to worry about: Like getting rid of the drugs, for instance. Elijah rejoined the traffic flow of life on the main roads, making a final decision as to how to dispose of the drugs.

He returned to the inn to catch up on his sleep--fifteen hours worth. When he woke, he had a light dinner, then spent the rest of the night looking for the seediest, shadiest, grubbiest, roughest, most riff-raff infested tavern in town, hoping that he would find a suitable buyer there.

Spoils: None.

[Skie and Avery]

Story

Continuity: 5 - Decent enough. I liked the references to Help (Un)Wanted, and Raziel gave me enough to get part of the point, though I would have liked a little more elaboration here in the internal dialogue. When the question about his occupation as a navigator came into call, him at least thinking of the circumstances would have been better than just let the answer he gave to Elijah be the end of that.

Setting: 5 - Elijah stayed solid all through this, but Raziel seemed to bounce around here. At first, it was terrible. There was little description and difficult to understand. You picked up in the forest a little, but then in the city it started to peter back out. Try and envision everything as you would think of watching a movie. Props and backgrounds are supremely important, and watching actors move around on a blank screen detracts from the overall experience.

Pacing: 4 - This was definitely something that got stronger as you went farther into the story. At first it dragged a bit. You want to remember that your introduction is not only for placing your character but for really grabbing the reader's attention. Think of each post as a meeting with your reader, and first impressions count for everything.

Character

Dialogue: 4 - What is the deal with Althanas and redheads? =P I liked the banter between Elijah and his.. female... conscious. Considering that and the way he obsesses over people's clothing, I personally think he and Syn just aren't going to get together. But I digress! Most of the dialogue here did nothing for the characters that were speaking, and at times could even just not even be wort having been said.

Action: 5 - Your actions fit your characters, I felt, but there was still something to be desired here. I think it mostly sprang from the fact that Raziel had huge fluxes in his posts, where from one point to the next he could have been two different characters entirely. That, however, shall be mostly confronted in the Writing Style category.

Persona: 4 - It just didn't seem that Raziel stayed on task. From one post to another he was either calm and deliberating or spastic and not exactly the brightest bulb in the marquee. Elijah comes across as a really static character. The internal dialogue was great, but it seems like his conscience is the only real personality in his head.

Writing Style

Mechanics: 3 - Grammar and spelling was absolutely horrid in the first few posts of Raziel's here. You had a blatant disregard for punctuation and tense. Around post ten, suddenly there's a huge difference. I don't know if this is just because you started spell/grammar checking your work or you got a beta reader. When I first saw the difference between posts 8 and 10, I honestly thought the account had changed hands and then suddenly there were the same mistakes in later posts. For example, you seem to have a problem keeping in either past or present tense. Pick one. I've already mentioned the change in character personality as well. While multi-authoring isn't strictly against the rules here, it is frowned upon. The point of Althanas is to improve your writing in a fun way. After taking a good look, I came to the assumption (I could be wrong) that only one or two posts were written by someone else, and that you were trying to mimic that style in later posts. I commend you for the attempt to improve and hope that you continue to do so, but I hope that you no longer use another persons writing to save a crumbling Mechanics score, if indeed that is what happened. Also, if there is anything pertaining to this or any other part of the judging, please feel free to send me a PM or get a hold of me at RestitutionSpork in AIM.

Technique: 3 - Again, there were problems with the sudden style shift in Raziel's account. How can I judge someones technique when I am not completely sure what their technique is? The problems with past and present tense were painful to read, and moving from a minimal postage in terms of description to a sudden flowery post on the fields and sky of Scara Brae was just strange. Welcome, but strange. I really don't know what to say. Elijah, you seemed to have your style pretty solidly built. It could use a bit of refinement, but then again I can think of few people who wouldn't need it.

Clarity: 4 - At one point Raziel asks himself if it got colder in there, which just seemed pretty random. I'm sure it had some sort of metaphorical junk attached to it, like Elijah giving him the cold shoulder, but I didn't get it. References like that need some sort of explanation, no matter how small. It might make perfect sense to you, but your reader can't see all those little connections and perceptions in your head. This is just one example of the confusing things in this thread. It just takes a little effort and slowing down to make sure that what you're typing isn't going to make a person have to go back and reread the last few sentences to figure out what you were talking about.

Wild Card: 2 - Cocaine on Althanas? Ha ha, shame shame boys. This is a PG 13 forum, and I'm happy to see you do the Althanian thing and ignore that fact completely.

Total 39

Elijah_Morendale receives 698 EXP and 150 GP, dropped by the would be attackers and looted off the dead body of the unlucky bandit.

Raziel receives 640 EXP and 50 gold, as well as the requested spoil of 4 oz of cocaine. The following stipulations apply: The drugs are of a low quality and cannot be sold in the Bazaar.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!