Saved

[Ataraxis]

The void that death had left in its grim wake had rendered speechless, but her voice was not the only thing she had lost. No sound seemed to reach her, as though her ears had fallen deaf to the rustles of woods, the crunch of the grass as the woman struggled beneath the fading warmth of her husband. Yet she could see the killer of her friend, the one who had ended his life, taking Chance away in a breath of violet dusk. Time hung silence, the world had ceased its spin, and Lillian mouthed soundless, senseless words as she watched the void where the child had once stood.

The burning blaze that swept across her face had trawled her out of the cold abyss, so strong it sent her head to the ground, her body tumbling after it like falling lumber. A bed of green blades grazed her cheek as she skittered across the forest floor, and the smell of wet dirt overwhelmed her when her body wallowed in the grass. Sharp quavers riled her, the girl trembling as her fingers bit the hard muck, pushing her upper body a few inches high, heaving painfully with every shallow and arrhythmic breath.

The woman, Alaina, was trembling just as bad, and Lillian could see written across her face that no amounting of hurt she inflicted would quell the anger, slake the desire of which she struggled to find the nature. Her son, she screamed, her son was gone, just as her husband had left her to these mortal coils, the bonds that were suffocating her even now. She said, she cried and wailed how it was the young girl’s fault, her ireful accusations cut sharp every now and then by a rain of sobs. There, sprawled on the damp and frigid ground, Lillian only shook, and there was no denial in the lineaments of her face.

It was her fault, all of it. Stubborn as she was, she had vainly attempted to do what had cost Aiden his life, but in her failure she had not been granted the hold of death, instead bringing demise to a life not her own. It was because of her that Chance was gone, and that he would soon join his father beyond the sphere of life, if it was not already the case.

“Aiden… Chance…” The storm of shame and humility, of sorrow and guilt, forced her down, made her bury her face in the mustiness underneath, made her wish that she herself had been taken to the grave. It was all she deserved, she thought, and not even that would ever atone for her mortal errors. “I’m sorry. I-I thought he needed my help, b-but I just made things worse.” Try as she might, she could not look Alaina directly in the eye, and her words were nothing more than stutters of remorse, feeling so small and senseless, no matter how much pain she poured out from her heart. “I knew the risks, but I came anyway because I… because I was v-vain.”

When she finally dared to look, Lillian knew that the widow had finally found what it was that her weeping heart desired most. In the bloodless hand she hefted, a knife was ensconced, shaking as the last ramparts between intention and act were toppled to the allegorical ground. It was as if Alaina saw in the worthless creature that lay at her feet the image of her enemy, the grinning face of her only son’s abductor and her husband’s murderer; it was just as well, Lillian told herself weakly, her chin dropping slowly in abandonment. She had brought the boy to him, and might as well have held the bloody sword. Remembering that death would never be enough expiate her sins, she at least took the faintest comfort in knowing that her own would help in the woman’s mourning.

“Mommy, stop!” It was strange, how such a small voice could carry out and wake the dead, or at least those nearest to the withered border. Lillian held her filth-smeared face up, a glimpse of Fate gracing her lowliest sight. The child was tearing up as much as the two other women, but she had not yet lost that strong glimmer in her eyes, as had Lillian and Alaina. “She’s the other person who was with daddy and Chance! We made her take us, mommy, and we were going to come back no matter what!”

The knife shook in her hand, trying to free itself from her moral clutch, seeking to tear Lillian’s flesh apart and drink her sinner’s blood. Oddly, Lillian found herself wishing the woman would just end it, here and now, wishing that hope would not catch her in the fall, only to release her into the swallowing darkness of the pits once more. “Mommy… Chance isn’t hurt. He’s… he’s really afraid, but he’s not hurt.”

The girl was on the verge of whimpering, eyes watering over as though pleading for her mother’s mercy, appealing to her forgiving soul. Yet, behind her words, Lillian saw what she implied, and knew what it was that she truly wanted. “She wants… to save him.”

There was more to it, but Lillian had not the strength to admit that to Fate, she was more helpful alive than dead. Even though she felt no joy from this show of false mercy, she had no right to disagree with its truthfulness. Whether Alaina would see it, however, was a whole other matter.

[Varia]

The knife dropped from Alaina's hands at her daughter's words. Covering her face with one hand, she half kneeled, half fell to the ground next to her daughter, pulling the girl close with her other hand. For a moment she'd forgotten that she wasn't the only one suffering this pain. She wrapped both arms around her baby and held her tight as the girl cried into her chest, and Alaina cried with her.

“I'm sorry, baby girl,” she said softly. Fate gave her a squeeze to say it was okay, and Alaina squeezed back. Pulling away, she brushed the girls hair out of her face, then kissed her forehead gently. “Honey can you tell where Chance is?” she asked hopefully. The little girl shook her head, and Alaina nodded. She hadn't expected this to be easy. “Then until we can find a clue as to where they went, we need to take care of..” Alaina's sentence broke off before it was complete. She couldn't seem to finish it. She didn't want to think about Aiden's death. Did he really die? She couldn't believe it possible. One look to her side, however, and it was confirmed.

Looking back to her daughter, Alaina tried on a smile. It fit awkwardly, but it was there. She ran her finger's through the girl's obsidian curls. “Fate?” she started. The little girl nodded, listening intently to her mother, as she always did. “I want you to pick flowers for daddy. Don't wander too far, though,” she finished. Fate nodded solemnly, big tears falling down her cheeks. Alaina brushed them away, all the while ignoring the flood of her own.

“It'll be okay mommy,” Fate said softly. Alaina smiled for real this time, however bitter the gesture was. She didn't know how anything could ever be okay again. Not after today. Even when they got Chance back, she'd still be sleeping in an empty bed. There'd be no warmth under her covers. There would be no smiling face to wake her every morning. No big arms to wrap around her when she was scared. No daddy to give her children piggy back rides. No Aiden. She wasn't complete anymore. She wasn't better. Even with Fate and Chance still alive, even if they managed to save Chance without Aiden. Alaina wouldn't ever be whole. Aiden had filled a void in her that nothing could ever replace.

As Fate wandered off to quietly pick her flowers, Alaina tended to her husband. Lily had offered to dig the grave, and Alaina allowed her that duty. After some reluctant searching in the building Alaina had just escaped from, they located a decent shovel and Lillian set to work. Alaina kneeled next to Aiden's cold body. Eyelids closed, hair smoothed, Alaina pulled his sword and one remaining knife, and set them on the ground with the knife she'd been holding earlier. Alaina removed his coat, and set it aside as well. Aiden had said long ago that once Chance could wear it without sweeping the floor, he'd be allowed to have it. She intended to keep that promise. Aiden's necklace, however, went around her neck. The bone necklace looked slightly awkward next to her soft pale skin, but she wore it with pride knowing how long it had graced her husband's neck.

When Lily had finished digging, and Fate done making a wreath out of flowers, they put Aiden in his grave. It took all Lillian and Alaina's strength to place him there, as Alaina wouldn't allow her daughter the trauma of lifting her father's corpse. Lily once again took over the shovel, as she gently placed mounds of dirt on top of Aiden's body. Alaina retrieved the torch spear from it's place in the trunk of a tree. It took three hard, grunting pulls before the spear would come out, but once removed, it moved to the head of Aiden's resting place. Alaina stuck it there for a grave marker, placing more wood into the top to give Aiden a bright, burning flame. He deserved better, in Alaina's mind. She wished she could give him better. For all the good the man had done in his life, he deserved an orchestra to play the saddest tune, and a castle full of mourning people.

The one thing he did get, was what Alaina thought to be the most beautiful wreath of wildflowers she'd ever seen. Fate placed it atop the mound of earth concealing her father, and Alaina began to cry again, for what seemed to be the hundredth time today. ”The longest day in history,” Alaina thought. As she held her daughter, Alaina stared at the grave. The sky was brightening all around them, and fog setting in. No words were spoken over Aiden's body. Alaina had said that no words would suffice. Nothing would suffice.

“We should probably get some sleep,” Alaina said after a bowing of their heads. She wanted to sleep and never wake again. Looking at the tired out and dirt-covered Lillian, she guessed she felt the same, but for different reasons. After a silent pause, where it seemed no one deemed it proper to leave Aiden's grave so soon, Lillian headed off first, and then Alaina. Fate stayed staring at the grave. Alaina looked back and beckoned her. “Come on, honey. We need some rest. It's been a long day,” she said.

“Daddy isn't gone,” Fate said. Alaina smiled, more tears breaking through the dam. She nodded to the girl.

“No, honey, Daddy isn't gone. He'll always be with us,” she said. Fate gave her a bittersweet smile, and they walked off to try and find a decent bed in the same place Alaina had been dying to get out of for days.

[Chance]

The silvery light of the moon flowed like a river through the barred window. Barely enough to chase away the shadows that pooled in the room like water in a basin, yet enough to make out the cold brick walls, and the chains that dangled from the ceiling. Across the room, a single door was easily visible, steel on stone. There was no handle or knob on this side of the door.

In the darkest corner sat a boy, his knees pulled up as close to his chest as they would go, his arms wrapped around them. With his face buried in his arms, he sobbed quietly. He knew that soon, his captor would make him wish he was dead, but for now... for now, all he could think about was the sight of his father lying dead, a sword through his chest.

The boy wept as the cold steel door creaked slowly open, and a pale hand came into view.

Here ends Saved.

[hr]

Aiden DarkStorm's story is not over, so please give him Exp and Gold as per usual. Thankee.

Also, Alaina gets Aiden's sword and necklace, Lillian gets three of his knives, Fate the other three. His Torch Spear remains in the ground as his headstone.

Ataraxis- Nothing much here. I'd just like to add a skill/sub-skill to her Web abilities.

Seamstress of the Sinister – No longer is Lillian limited to weaving strings and webs. During her years of indiscriminate reading, the librarian has come across much knowledge concerning various forms of craftsmanships, notably that of tailoring and its multiple branches. After practical application of her knowledge by practising every morning, Lillian has become more adept at complex weaves, though she has only recently crafted crude pieces of clothing using her abilities. These items born of her magic have usually no ability of any sort, save for their similarity in appearance and properties to spidersilk. However, with more time and effort (a few weeks of assiduous work, perhaps), she would be capable of producing quality textiles nearly as strong as steel, while losing little to none of their flexibility. When left untouched for a day, the fabric becomes as any other material, and Lillian cannot make it disappear; as such, it can also be enchanted.

And thanks for reading!

[Letho]

General Notes: Even though the score at the end of this judgment will tell you the same thing, I just wanted to say straight of the bat that this was significantly better then the last thread. But then again, that should kind of go without saying; comparing a made-for-fun thread written while tipsy with a dead serious story with a profound meaning is seldom necessary. But since not everything is all peachy (it seldom is), let us move onto the rubric. Don't be alarmed by the initial numbers. They get better the further down you get. If I would have to sum this quest up in one sentence, I'd probably say that a threesome of good writers portrayed a collection of unique characters in a story that could use some improvement.

Oh, also so I don’t forget. Since all characters played important parts in this quest, I’ll be summing up all the posts and dividing them in five, so all characters get equal treatment. But yeah, let us proceed.


CONTINUITY – 6

I have to admit that, despite the flashbacks that gave an insight into the past of your character, I sometimes found a lack of certain information. Like, what exactly happen to Aiden’s previous family and who is this Ishadin character? This is something the thread revolved around – Ishadin’s desire to destroy Aiden – and the explanation for that you offered in a single sentence. On the flip side, pretty much every flashback told the story of family relation and their closeness. An important message and very well done, but also a bit overdone. Another thing that confused me is that there is no mention of history between Lillian and Aiden’s family. She seems to be close to them, and yet at the end Alania acts as if she doesn’t know her. Queer given the fact that they got drunk together. I reckon this is a ‘liquid time’ issue, but because of it, it is sometimes wise to clarify on the certain parts of you character’s history.

SETTING – 6

Sometimes the setting was well done. The cool pond in the forest that Lillian skinny dipped in was very vivid, and the emotional way in which Varia described the room that led to the torture chamber really bonded the setting and the character. Other times, however, the setting was overdone. The moment from the start of the story comes to mind, when Ataraxis described her room and her dark weaving. I honestly had to reread that part four times before I understood what you were trying to say there. There are many ways to write a good setting, but overburdening the descriptions with highfalutin words and overly complex sentences seldom does the trick. Aside from what I mentioned, the setting was rather average. My largest qualm is that sometimes a benighted forest didn’t feel like it was dark enough and you saw things clearly when you probably shouldn’t. It’s a common mistake, but still one that shouldn’t happen.

PACING – 5

My first piece of advice here is probably the most important. While flashbacks can be quite a useful tool to put certain things into perspective and portray certain aspects of your characters, it’s only good in moderate measures. Think of flashbacks as salt; if you put too much of it into your meal, it comes out inedible. Now, I think I counted six flashbacks during the course of this story, six in some thirty-odd posts. And that’s not counting Varia’s first post which went from past, to present, to past and then back to present. All of this makes for quite a bumpy ride, where the story doesn’t switch from one scene to the next smoothly enough. Combined with the habit of reverting back to a previous part of the story when the post above already moved it ahead (like when DarkStorm made Aiden saddle the horses and Lillian in her subsequent post returned to her room), this ruined the pacing of this thread a bit. I know that sometimes you need to explain certain things. This mostly happens when one of the characters takes the story a bit too far in his/her post. It usually gets ironed out the more you write with certain people, so I have no doubt you three will improve even further in this segment in your next quest.

DIALOGUE – 8

Most of the dialogue was quite fitting, and more importantly, easily distinguishable from character to character. With the two of you (Varia and DarkStorm) writing four of the five characters, it’s easy to sometimes get lost in the shuffle and write rather bland lines. That didn’t happen here, not even with the two children of the same age. I was a bit disappointed with Ishadin, though. He wound up like Saruman in Return of the King, getting but a handful of lines of dialogue.

ACTION – 7

Mostly, this was done very well. From Alania’s desperate struggle to save her child and herself to Aiden gung-hoing like Galahad. I have to admit that I was initially a bit surprised that Aiden chose to take Chance with him on a perilous mission. But you used the connection between the twins quite well. There were several details that stabbed at my eyes, though, like horses galloping through the night (which they wouldn’t) and Alania’s Mist shield taking quite a bit of punishment (which it probably shouldn’t at level 0, not if Ishadin isn’t firing shoddy Magic Missiles at her or something), but nothing major. All in all, good work.

PERSONA – 8,5

I was tempted to go with a nine here, but then I remembered two things that I didn’t like. First, Lillian failed to leave an impression on me in this quest, and given the fact that she bathed naked in a pond, that’s saying something. I had a feeling that she played too small of a role in this entire story and didn’t have a chance to really display the fullness of her character. And her surrender at the end was... strange. I mean, it wasn’t her fault that the two toddlers are stubborn like their father. She should feel guilty a little bit, but not enough to forfeit her life. The second thing was Ishadin. The poor fellow wound up being a token bad guy with little personality to speak of. Always strive to portray the NPCs more like you do your own characters.

MECHANICS – 8

Good, solid writing. You said that I shouldn’t point out every single typo and mistake and I have to say that I haven’t found many to point out to begin with. I found something else, though, and mostly in Varia’s post. You tend to overuse the comma, chopping the sentences when you shouldn’t. Just a quick example: “Next to him, was his sister Fate...” That comma was hardly necessary. This recurs during the quest, though not as much the closer I came to the end.

TECHNIQUE – 6,5

Three people, five characters and three different styles. I found it quite fitting that DarkStorm wrote Chance as well, and Varia wrote Fate (at least I got that feeling). This made not only the characters visibly different, but the writing as well. I would prefer all of you to evade some of the more commonly used similes (“Alaina crumpled to the floor like a rag doll...” and “Like a lightning bolt...” are neither very creative nor do they make your writing unique) and to omit the modern talk from your characters. I’m fairly certain that Jesus Christ didn’t visit Althanas yet.

CLARITY – 7

I think I might’ve mentioned in the setting that Ataraxis sometimes get tangled into her descriptions like... well, pretty much like Lillian got her room tangled in all those dark threads. This sometimes makes her post harder to write. I find it that the best way to achieve clarity is to find middle ground between being poetic and stating the hard facts. Too poetic and you write flowery narrative and to factual and you’re writing a manual, and neither are clear for reading. Try to keep an eye out for that.

WILD CARD – 8

I liked this quest. I might’ve came at you hard in the rubric with all the negative stuff, but I really did enjoy reading this quest. Even the fact that I’m not too fond of children and that there are two of them involved in the story didn’t kill the feeling for me. Now, that would’ve usually earned you a seven. The fact that DarkStorm killed his character (though not permanently, I reckon) to save his wife is worth an eight.



TOTAL SCORE – 70

Congratulations!!!



SPOILS:

DarkStorm gets 800 EXP, 300 GP and loses his sword, necklace, six daggers and Torch Spear.
Varia gets 800 EXP, 300 GP and gets Aiden’s sword and necklace.
Chance gets 800 EXP and 300 GP.
Fate gets 800 EXP, 300 GP and three Aiden’s daggers.
Ataraxis gets 1175 EXP, 300 GP, three Aiden’s daggers and her skill.


EXP/GP added!