The Huntress gets Hunted by the Prey...

[Mage Hunter]

As the guard that held her at blade point glared at her, all hell began to break loose. Men covered in face and vicious as her had descended upon the group. Another ambush, as unlikely as it would seem had befell the group. As Drusilia watched the bandits drew guards, in order to rush forth and distract those who would protect their charges. The battle joined they almost forgot the killer left in their midst. It was time to escape, with so few eyes upon her...

Moving quickly she scooped up her swords, sheathing one before running towards one of the nearby horses. The horse she had stolen earlier was dead, however, this one, this one would do nicely. A chestnut mare, she mounted it swiftly making use of the saddle horn to slide into the position. Squeezing her legs together she hissed, "Go!"

The horse took off at a gallop through the chaos as she leaned down low to the horse, cutting down how much she was being dragged by the wind. Finally as they made it back to the original site of her ambush she brought the horse to a stop. The adrenaline of the situation fading she felt light headed. Giggling uncontrollably she tried to stop herself as the blood loss began to take earnest. Looking at her shoulder she could see a bit of broken shaft from where the arrow had punctured her shoulder.

Laughing again she reached up into the tree to grab her bow. Complete she moved on through the forest, looking for a new hiding spot. The presence was somewhere, that much she knew, and it was circling, better leave, heal and recuperate, before she drew upon more than she could handle. However, as fate would have it, she began to sway in the saddle as another wave of light-headedness hit her. Clutching her head with her good hand she groaned softly before it overtook her. Slipping from the saddle the horse snorted as it came to a halt. She had passed out in the forest, upon the road.

~*~

Boots heavy and dirty trudged through the forest. Having witnessed the last sight he would ever need to, he moved forward to the downed visage of the Drow warrior. Pulling the pipe from his lips he grunted softly before he uttered softly, "Don't make 'em like they used to. Back in the old days, a hunter could 'ave taken twice the blood loss and been fine. Comes to show ye, these kids have no respect for traditions..."

"And back in the old days wizards were far worse, and magic was an unstoppable killer, yes we get the point Baruk. Lets get her back to camp, she's going to attract much more attention, the poor duke..." A man strolled forward as he leaned down. Carefully pulling the swords from their holsters, he handed them to Baruk as well as the bow before he quickly patted her down for more weapons. SHouldering the girl the man sighed as he strained to get her up, "Not a lightweight, perhaps she isn't just a baby..."

"I tell ye if Thoracis Rakarth were still general of the Alerian army she'd still be awake..." The dwarf Baruk said. His leather armor stretched as he shouldered the weapons with a whistle before putting the pipe back between his lips. Puffs of smoke came from it before he pulled it out and puffed smoke out. "Travis, I have to ask, do you think she's really going to be the one?"

Travis, a man also clad in leather armor stopped looking over his shoulder. He sighed before he said, "You and I have both had our goes, and as far as I'm concerned the Traitor Generals are far out of our league, time to train the new group, before the last of us are destroyed. General Reyes is already wiping out camps near Otaria. How long before she gets bold enough to hit Corone, or Allerar?"

"Aye, that witch took my best axe she did, poor shaft, Liviol too! I have never seen anything like it," Baruk said as he moved alongside his friend. They marched back to the camp, drowess in custody before Baruk said thoughtfully, "What if she doesn't want to train? Drow were stubborn, back in my day-"

"Dirt was a new concept and women had just become the newest invention to rival beer, yes I know Baruk, just, trust me for once, and don't question my methods. She's still connected to the river, and she needs to disconnect fast, or she will be killed. Thats our first goal..."

"Aye, stupid wench, hunting us down...Alright, I'll get the medic, probably can't take magic anymore, poor lass. Be rough on her to say the least..."

Spoils:

Wanted for Murder - Druisilia has been associated with the murders of Duke Gallen Cormyr and his personal servant Reeves. Should Druisilia be spotted at ALL by the Corone Guard she is now Kill on Sight.

Drain Magic – By exerting the basic ability of Magic that is innately present in all life, the hunter can begin to drain the Magical energies form the very air about them. The result is a feeling of coldness as the Mana is pulled into a vortex and locked away. Note that the accumulated Mana is not destroyed only stored. This often times is used by hunters trying to prevent a charge up attack, but requires two things of them;

1) They must remain stationary the entire process as the funnel must remain stationary to effectively drain the Mana.
2) The spell must not be more powerful than the hunter. In terms of levels a Hunter can only drain magic in an area that is no more powerful than they are. The spell Level must match the Hunter’s Level or be lesser for the Hunter to be able to drain the Magic. Cannot be used against instant cast spells.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

****Epilogue*****

They called.

Oh did they call.

As Alberdyne Cormyr fell across time and space physics made no sense. He called but no-one living responded. Before him stood a grey field lacking any color and devoid of life. Yet motion and kinetics abounded somehow. The physical portion of him felt the water flowing around him even as fell down the waterfall. Somehow, everything was far away. All at once, the youth heard the callings of the dead. The Firmanent melted away and became the Anti-Firmanent.

Spectral forms hovered about the boy. A certain group of forms were fresh from a recent battle. Alberdyne saw his Father and the butler Reeves as they awaited their final judging patiently. They approached the young would-be heir of Lord Gallen Cormyr. The last living kin of their secret legacy. The Duke touched his forehead with that ghostly touch and whispered one word, it was a word that the boy might remember forever.

"Awaken."

**********

And the boy did. Passing back into the Firmanent, blood flowed from his forehead with a tremendous pain. Somehow, the young lad survived the entire ordeal only to end up on muddy banks in a state of complete shock. A thing on his forehead hurt like hell. The boy tried to touch his forehead only to cry out in pain. He kept his head in the mud wishing for death but knowing it wasn't going to be that easy. Looking up, the youth heard foot-steps in the distance and passed out before he could ascertain the identities of the newcomers.

Fin.

*************************

*****Spoils******

001--Mark of the Awakened--A gift of his people that allows the boy to speak to the spirits of the dead. It also allows the young psionic to see the truth in things before they happen. Currently at its lowest possible state, the boy can only see one spirit at a time and commune with one spirit at a time. He can only foresee one possible future at a time as well. This allows the boy to react quickly to danger and plan ahead. (Locked until level 1)

[Wraith]

Aright, I want to start out explaining why I took this quest instead of Storm Veritas. As you may know, there's a bit of a back up in the judge's forum of threads, and anything that can be done to help alleviate it is needed. So I decided to take the next quest in line which happened to be this one. Storm Veritas isn't really active anymore, and only judges occasionally because of the amount of work he has in real life, so I didn't really think you'd mind me stepping in to give you a good judgment promptly.

Now, before I get this underway I just want to mention that if you have any problem with my judgment, you should IM or PM me, and I'll help you get through to proper channels to get the judge you originally requested for a re-judgment. However, I fully plan on giving you as much detail as you requested.

STORY ~

Continuity (6) ~ I actually believe this one of the better parts of the quest. You both managed to give me an amount of back story that didn't leave me questioning why the characters were there.

Mage Hunter; I was a little confused early on as to what exactly her exile was, and throughout the thread you never quite gave the entire thing, but instead slipped it in as hints and tidbits. While I wanted to know a little more, I also liked the idea of trying to figure it out myself. All in all, it was able to understand she hates Mages and likes to kill them, so even if it's not the best reason for being in the Concordia, it's a reason that works for me. With a few more hints, or a quick flashback or storytelling about your exile, you might have received a higher score. All in all though, I thought you did well here.

Alberdyne Cormyr; though a bit long winded, I did enjoy your exposition at the beginning of the thread. You managed to give me the history of a mysterious past, which is not often easy to do. I knew why Gallen went after Mage Hunter, and you gave good reason as to his suspicions to his wife. The arrival of the monk in the first post gave me ample reason as to why the characters were there, and explaining Alberdyne's love of books set him up in the library perfectly.

Setting (5) ~ At times you both managed to paint a vivid picture that quickly fell into disuse and started right back up. Both of your opening scenes were crafted rather well with detail, Mage Hunter had her proud warrior waking up from a meditative sleep, Alberdyne wrote of his character's father pacing his stress filling body through a once proud family home.

However, as you got further along into the quest, I believe you fell victim to two common ailments on Althanas.

1.) You both began to lax a little when it came to details, Mage Hunter especially. I got the feeling from MH that his character was just sitting a top a tree branch of negative space, aiming it at whoever came from the ambiguous white abyss. Alberdyne, you lapsed into this at times. Both of you managed to have posts with scare setting details, and then a post after it where you did describe, rather well, the world around you.

2.) Forests are a death sentence for settings. They've been seen, described, and narrated so many times before that it's easy to fall into the pattern I described above. I didn't really see either of you trying to paint a different picture than that of any fantasy novella, so the score stays at a 5.

Some more notes:
I'd have liked to see, obviously, some more setting while in the forest. The sounds of men screaming, it was good, but what about smells, and feelings all round? Was it muggy? Cold? Sensory information is a great way to get more detail across and I found that you both stuck to sight and a few sounds. There are five senses, remember.

I liked Alberdyne's description of the river towards the end of the quest. That actually pleased me a lot, especially when mentioned in the epilogue.

Pacing (3) ~ I could honestly tell this was intended to be a solo, and that Alberdyne allowed Mage Hunter in sort've on the fly. It sticks out to me that this was one man's story with a side character who kind've felt out of place most of the time. At it's roots, it's a story about a once proud family trying to rebuild itself, while forces from within work against it and try to unleash a family curse/blessing in the last/youngest of their brood. It's a good story in synopsis, combining elements of many a good fable. But the problem still stands out that there's another story going on at the same time, one of a person trying to redeem themselves through blood. Another great story through synopsis, but tying these together as loosely a you both did didn't bold well for the thread in the least. These two stories felt separate until Alberdyne freed Mage Hunter, Mage Hunter could've easily been chased by another carriage stacked with warriors and archers, and Alberdyne could've been in another carriage with a psychopathic, dagger wielding mother. Two stories playing out it often tough to work with, so I commend you on your attempt.

Other things that damaged the Pacing score will be mentioned in Clarity and Mechanics. There were a number of confusing parts that tripped me up. Not to mention I felt the quest was just a bit too short, with not enough development of some lesser characters.


CHARACTER ~

Dialogue (6) ~ For the most part you stuck to what your characters would say. Mage Hunter was the racist (not xenophobic, you were full blown racist, because Alerar does have humans) and proud warrior with an absolute hatred for magic. It showed well. Although, your character didn't seem to utter any tradespeak. Why is that? She knows it, insults hurt more when you say something someone else understands.

Alberdyne did a fair job in speaking with Gallen, however the first post made both the monk and Duke Gallen sound incredibly similar. Whether this was on purpose because they were old and dear friends, or an inability to grasp the differences, I'm not sure. However, it was a bit distracting for me to read over it. Some small bits of the dialogue seemed awkward at times, but it didn't detract from the overall thread.

All in all, there wasn't that much dialogue, and I feel most of the quest focused on persona, a sort've looking glass into Alberdyne's (and even Drusilla's) souls. Some of the NPCs spoke like proper cannon fodder should, but I can't really find reason to complain much.

Action (4) ~ This is where confusion sets in and I have to lower scores. There were several things in this I want to address quickly because they're so constantly annoying to me.

-The horse Drusilla first stole, it fell on her. You mention the arrow wound in your shoulder and a bit of shock, but a fucking hose just fell on you! Horses way a lot, averaging over 1,000 pounds. Something should've sprained, broken, or even shattered from such a tremendous force falling upon you. King Theoden didn't die because of the Witchking's sword or fellbeast. He died because his fat ass horse fell on him.
-The archers that shot at Drusilla while atop the carriage. This was another scene that didn't make much sense to me. Here's a quote from Alberdyne's post:

Gallen signaled the wagon rider to stop the entourage dead. Their archers already fired at the fallen Drowess. The horse was instantly killed with the sheer numbers of arrows that struck them.

There's only one place you can hit a hose if it's fleeing from you, and that's its ass. It's hard to kill something by firing volleys into its ass, and I got the impression that with the massed arrows, Drusila should've been shot full of holes. Now, I'm not sure whether Drusilla was charging suicidally head first into the carriage, or if the carriage was chasing her down (clarity issue). I assume chasing her down.
-Duke Gallen Alberdyne wanted to use himself as bait to catch the Huntress. But why? One can assume that he thought the huntress would want to stalk whoever sent guards after her. However, this entire plan quickly devolved into use the scouts as bait, and then have a crazy fucking carriage chase down a dirt path. Not only would having many warriors outside the carriage scare any sort of assassin to attack such numbers, it also seems as if the Duke could've just stayed home.
-Why the hell did Alberdyne release Mage Hunter?! He could've still done that if he had at least screamed out, "Hey everyone, my mother just stabbed my father! Ask Jessa, she can tell you!"

And for god sakes, why did he bring his wife and only heir with him if he was using himself as bait?

Persona (6) ~ As I've said before, this quest seemed like something prime for character persona. It was the main focus of the thread, so I think because of that, you pulled it off well.

Mage Hunter; Drusilia isn't a complicated character in the least. She has a single tracked mind and seems cliche by a lot of fantasy standards. However, that's not to see you didn't write her well. It was easy for me to picture her anger, resentment, and complete lack of care for life. This isn't a feat easily accomplished, and I think you did fairly well creating something of a trained assassin/monster/amazon hybrid. There were times when some of her actions seemed a little too awkward. Like reading her pow before she even sensed magic, instead, waiting for someone magic to walk by. Having a network of informants about magic users is probably much more valuable than hiding in the woods, and I can only imagine that Drusilia is intelligent enough to adapt to the situations she finds she's deep within.

Alberdyne; your focus wasn't on Alberdyne Cromyr as I'd think you would've liked it to be. Instead, I felt a good portion on persona was shifted over to Gallen. I felt more for this character than I did for Alberdyne, and I think it was a good thing. It detracted from the supernatural aspect of the thread, shifting focus to a more human feel.

However, some of your lesser characters felt like driftwood to me. I would've liked a little more from Jessa than rubbing Alberdyne and feeling scared at a crazy woman. I would've liked to have known a little bit more about Alma and her feelings, besides homicidal rage. She smiled when chaos was breaking out around the carriage, seeing the worried face of her husband. It's incredibly suspicious, but besides the quick paranoia, it wasn't played along any further.


WRITING STYLE ~

Technique (5) ~ Average. I saw a few good tools of the trade used here. There was some vivid imagery from Alberdyne, that came and went with setting. However, It was actually rather bland in places that, again, affected the pacing of the story.

One thing I did notice (at least in contrast to Alberdyne) was that Mage Hunter rarely used Drusilia's name. I thought it was clever, if it was on purpose. It adds a needed mystique to the character.

Mechanics (3) ~ There were an awful lot of typos, especially from Mage Hunter. I could count on at least three for each post, maybe more. Some of these helped distract from Clarity, while others were kind of amusing. I'd say spellcheck couldn't catch all of these, but it can. Because a lot of the typos would've been easy to see with spellcheck. Whether it was "thea chers" or some other mistake of flying fingers, it was noticeable and distracting.

Alberdyne; you have a lot of awkward phrasings in your writer that add girth but subtract depth. I'll go over a few from one or two paragraphs, and I'll show you more if you want to IM me and ask.

The girl slid the dagger into some pouches at her side nodded deeply, kissed the man's feet, and then parted from the circle following appropriate rituals.

First of all, you can only slide a single object into a single carrier. But then you forget to add a comma after side. I can't be sure if this was on purpose, or just a simple typo because you did remember to add two other commas.

Lord Gallen proposed to his men using himself as bait to catch the killer of their magi.

Another sentence that looks like you've forgotten a word. "that he'd use himself as bait" is all that's needed.

Far behind them but approaching slowly, Alberdyne's carriage made its way to that exact location.

There's no reason to add exact. It just adds another word and looks completely awkward.

She had surprise attack on them

She had sprung a surprise attack of them? She attacked them by surprise?

Clarity (3) ~ Because of the numerous typos and awkward sentences, clarity was already in mirky water. But I had to read over parts of the quest many times to see if I was correct in my assumptions of plot. It grew confusing when I couldn't figure out who was leading the scouting part. Usually bait doesn't need a scouting party, it needs back up behind. Xanders came sort've out of no where, with no previous introduction. And it seemed like he had just happened upon the scene from far away by the way he mentioned Drusilia taking the horse. He was probably there at the battle. These moments weren't momentous, but they were everywhere and grew so distracting. I found myself trying to draw a map of what was going on.

Wild Card ~ 7 Don't get me wrong, I actually liked the story. That's why I'm giving a 7 here. The story and some character aspects were really good. But the delivery was sub par to what the story really deserved.

Again, if you want a re-judgement, just notify me and I'll secure you one.

If you want to discuss any of my points, don't be afraid to IM me.

Total Score ~ 48
EXP/Spoils~
Mage Hunter gets 680 EXP, 115 GP
Alberdyne Comyr gets 700 EXP, 120 GP

All spoils requested are granted for now until the Realm of Greet Staff either officially approves or disapproves of their use.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added!