Let me just say that I’m looking forward to the next part of this quest. As the thread got deeper into the story, I found it harder and harder to stop reading.
STORY
Continuity- 6- Karuka, you gave just enough background information to let me know a little about her past and why she was in Scara Brae, but I would have liked to read a little more. Mime, I would have like to read a lot more about your character’s reasons for joining Karuka. It seems that you left Karuka’s short explanation from a past quest as the sole basis as to why Mime was in the quest. Osato, I had very good information about where your character came from. Massacre, you did a good job of entering the quest late without really hurting the flow of the quest. Being a stowaway was a nice touch.
Setting- 7- I had a good sense of where everything was in relation to the characters and it was easy to picture what the liviol forest should look like. Mime’s acrobatics on the boat and Karuka picking flowers once in the forest made the world seem even more concrete and manipulative. The forest really did feel like a living organism. Readers need to feel like the places they are reading about are real and can be interacted with, and you guys did a great job of doing so. The very beginning of the quest wasn’t as strong as the rest in this area, and it seems like it took a few posts to get into the groove of things.
Pacing- 5- I have to say that having everyone but Karuka drop out of the quest was a disappointment. With that said, as each member left, the remaining writers did a good job of continuing the story and giving possible reasons as to why each person left. It was easily believable that Mime would simply wander off, distracted by his many surroundings. Having A’rei run out of the ruins in fear also followed well with her character, seeing as how she was constantly wondering why she joined the party in the first place and that she already fled from the feline. Osato’s disappearance was kept simple, as I believe it should have been. The entire thread flowed as a solid story for the most part, but at some points some of your posts got repetitive with those that wrote before.
CHARACTER
Dialogue- 9- The dialogue of this quest was superb. Karuka’s thick accent is something one would expect from such a distant foreigner. Not only was her speech written creatively, but other people’s reactions to it was also played out which made it even more believable. I also enjoy Mime’s writing as his sole means of communication. Having a mute character takes guts, and I particularly like the part where the sailor couldn’t read the message and wound up trying to fight. A’rei’s speech was also well done. She seems to be unsure of herself in dangerous situations, and it shows when she hesitates in the middle of sentences. Osato’s dialogue is something commonly found in a mercenary with average or slightly higher intelligence, which is what he is.
Action- 7- The action was well spread throughout the quest in appropriate areas. The Mime’s unwillingness to get into a fight and hopping onto the sailor’s arm instead is an odd thing for anyone to do. But he is such a peculiar creature that the move is something I could see him doing. A’rei pretends to be tough, but when the time comes for action, she runs or hides. Having her trip during her initial introduction made me laugh, in a good way. I liked Karuka’s almost stubborn Irish nature. While still a teenage girl, she is tough, and it shows in her actions. Getting between Osato’s and the knight’s battle as well as taking control of the expedition is something a strong Irish woman would do. Osato’s second guessing himself during battles and making mistakes is a nice twist from the average warrior. It is always refreshing to be reminded that characters aren’t perfect people, and can sometimes miss a gigantic cat with a crossbow.
Persona- 7- The characters in this thread don’t seem to have anything in common, but they somehow managed to mix in well with each other. I loved that while Osato doesn’t have a soul, you still brought emotion to his character. Things such as flirting with women and constantly thinking about what he would be feeling if he had a soul made the warrior more humanistic. I liked the Mime’s constant thoughts about his surroundings, taking things in and pondering the meaning behind them and himself. It makes him out to be a very deep thinking character. A’rei’s constant fear of all the dangers the party encountered were obvious results of a harsh past life. Karuka is everything that an outspoken, strong willed, and good natured character should be, end of story.
WRITING STYLE
Mechanics- 5- There isn’t much to say about this. There were grammatical errors in the thread from all four of you, but nothing too major. There were some times when I had to reword a sentence before getting its full meaning. The most significant mistakes in the thread are extra words in a sentence that don’t belong. These usually come from editing a post but missing a word or two. Reading through your posts an extra time should catch most of these errors.
Technique- 6- “the voice was a very rich and excellent icing on the cake. It was warm and lilting like a ray of sunshine, soft and soothing as the coo of a dove, musical as the notes of her little wooden flute, and sweet to the ear as honey was to the tongue.” This is from Karuka’s second post.
Writing like that is something everyone should strive for. All four of you wrote some very vivid imagery, but I would have liked for some more. Sometimes it felt like some of you were just putting a post in because it was your turn and they didn‘t seem to have enough effort put into them. Other times posts had serious impacts on the thread, and they were inspiring.
Clarity- 6- The thread had some weak points where I had to reread a paragraph or two in order to find out what was going on, but for the most part I could follow the quest rather easily. The end of the thread seemed rushed, most likely due to almost everyone dropping out before the end, and it affected the writing. It is hard not to get excited or tired when nearing the end of a thread, but you still need to take your time to finish it strongly.
Wild Card- 7- As the thread got deeper into the story, I found it harder and harder to stop reading. The characters were so strongly written that I now want to follow all of their stories, wherever they may go.
Total Score- 65
Congratulations!
All requested spoils are rewarded.
Karuka gets 1904 exp., 700 gold, and a liviol figurine of the giant spirit cat. She doesn’t know it yet, but will be able to call on it for a VERY short amount of time. Each of the leaves contain 6 oz of liviol balm. She also discovers that a third leaf must have slipped under her clothing during one of the more chaotic moments of the quest, but she doubts she’ll ever know exactly when. She gains the ability, but I better not see her make a dragon bash its head against a boulder or anything to that effect.
Osato gets 1194 exp., 500 gold, and a solid branch of Trakym Liviol that grants slight resistance to magic, since he is so uncomfortable around it.
A’rei gets 538 exp., 300 gold, and a liviol staff that is 4 feet tall because she didn’t bring out a weapon throughout the entire thread.
Mime gets 579 exp., 300 gold, and 3 sturdy pieces of liviol freshly cut off the trees by the sailors, about a foot in length each, because he seems to prefer natural things.
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