The DollHouse ((Open))

[Aiko]

Aiko stood waiting for her opponet to come crashing through the falls.

As he jumped down from the second floor, she saw his shadow, and foolishly looked up. Time seemed to slow down to an imperceptibly slow pace, and all things with it.

She wanted to move, she tried to move, but was frozen in place in fear.

As the sword moved towards her unprotected upturned face, her life flashed before her eyes, and then the sword puried itself in her skull.

The spark of life left her eyes and she toppled to the floor lifeless.

Everything was growing dim in Aiko's eyes, but she also saw a single spark of light, and in the light, she saw her daughter, her real daughter, holding her hands out to her mother.

"Calbrena." Aiko whispered, her hand outstretched to something that wasn't really there. then her hand dropped and she moved no more.

An undefined period of time later....

Aiko awoke in a room. There was a Monk in there with her. In fact, it was the same monk that helped her in the first place.

"Are you feeling better now?" The monk asked.

"I lost her. I lost my daughter. I lost my precious Calbrena. My poor little baby." Aiko sobbed. She threw her arms around the monk and cried on his shoulder.

"Not all things are lost forever. That which is gone can return to you again, but only if you return to the past and face that which took her from you in the first place. You must be strong though, and not let these empty people cloud your mind, these false beings that from time to time take over your persona. you must decide which is more important, not facing that which you fear and dread the most, or your daughter." The monk said.

Aiko just continued to cry on the man's shoulder.

Eventually she could cry no more.

"There now. I think this experience has helped you a little" The monk said.

Showing her out of the citadel, he waved as she left, going for who knows where.

the monk sighed.

If she only knew. He thought.

(((OOC: After you tie up the loose ends with your character, you can submit this unless you want me to.)))

[The Barbarian]

With a shuck of his sword, he dislodged the blade from her skull and spat on the ground. This was no real victory. Not even a challenge. Her insane mind had led to her downfall, predicting events that couldn’t possibly come true and oblivious to the ones that would. He glared angrily at her corpse as the blood dribbling down into the small rivers that the waterfalls were crashing into, the streaks of pink and crimson spreading like a poison in his mind.

“Damn bitch…” he said, half pity, half frustration.

When it became clear the only option was to kill, even as a barbarian, he sometimes hated having to kill those who had left the lights on in the house, but kept it empty. Wondering what was taking the monks so long to take them from their battle, he ran his sword under an arc of water and cleaned his blade. It hummed sympathetically back at him, trying to console his wounds.

Yea…thanks.

This wasn’t his mission, to kill crazy women; but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had murdered her in cold blood. Doing his best to shrug it off, he roared, “IT”S OVER!!!”

In a flash of brilliant white light, the room vanished, along with his sin.

***

He willed his fingers to stop fidgeting as he waved to a new monk at the desk. Tyrael would have to find someone who could help his goals come true and possibly justify his actions. Although the girl would be revived, he was worried for the ones that would get in his way on the other parts of Althanas.

The ones that would stay dead.

He pushed through the doors with a heavy heart, displeased with his newfound sense of cold-blooded killing he had developed from his experiences on this world. I’ll figure this out. I can control these emotions…the ends justify the means.

…Right?

((OOC: Yea, I'll submit it.))

[Christoph]

General notes: Sorry that this took so long. I don’t tend to talk much before hand, opting to let the judgment speak for itself.

Aiko’s score will be in red and Barbarian’s will be in blue

Continuity: 3 / 5

Aiko: I was really confused with why your character was at the Citadel in the first place. There was something of a reason presented that, while it didn’t really make any sense, can be attributed to the fact that your character isn’t all there mentally. I didn’t get any idea of where this fit into any kind of larger story, and I was left with little idea of what was going to happen next. Overall, it was very confusing. Remember, everything makes more sense to you than it does to the reader.

Barbarian: I got a little more of an idea from you. Tyrael had a reason for being there, even if it was only to practice. There were some bits and pieces of a larger story, but little more than that. Who are the Red Hand?


Setting: 6 / 6
It was an interesting setting, definitely not your usual grassy field. More could have been done and described, especially when the place was on fire. Other than that, I found it hard to keep the environment straight. Try re-reading your posts and asking yourself if a certain description would make sense to someone else.


Pacing: 4 / 5
The overall pacing was… odd. The start seemed a bit awkward and the climax could have been done better. The main problem there is linked to continuity because I didn’t really grasp the significance of the whole thing. Barbarian: I’m giving you the advantage here because your posts generally flowed better.


Dialogue: 5 / 7

Aiko: You’re character’s dialogue seemed to fit her general insanity reasonably well. My major concerns are that it was a little over the top and repetitive. Try to work on making your dialogue more realistic and original. There’s some potential here.

Barbarian: This was definitely a strong point for you. Your character’s dialogue seemed more realistic to me. It wasn’t repetitive and he didn’t speak like a Harvard graduate. Nice work.


Action: 4 / 6
There wasn’t much special here. Aiko: your character’s actions were often hard to follow, but I’ll touch on that again in Clarity. Barbarian: again, about average. I liked the little things that you added, such at Tyrael fidgeting from time to time.


Persona: 6 / 6
I liked the conflicting character types. The primary difference was that Barbarian was of sound mind and Aiko was completely insane. Barbarian: I would still have liked more from you. Really try to show the reader who your character. Aiko: You overplayed her insanity a bit, and it came off as repetitive. See dialogue.


Mechanics: 3/7

Aiko: Your posts had quite a few typos that some proofreading would catch. Also, make sure that you’re using capital letters appropriately. Several times you either capitalized non-proper nouns or you forgot to capitalize the first words in sentences.

Barbarian: Everything seems in order here. There were little typos here and there, but nothing major.


Technique: 3 / 5

Aiko: Never ever, ever use *asterisks* for actions on a forum. Other than that, your style was a bit choppy and lacked vivid details and descriptions. Practice, practice, practice. You have some potential with this character. If you can develop a solid style, your scores will shoot up dramatically. Focus first on describing things with more detail. The rest should fall into place as you go.

Barbarian: You have a decent style. There wasn’t much in the way of higher literary techniques, but you’ve got good soil, if I may make a metaphor, so planting some flowers in shouldn’t be hard. The same goes for you with descriptions. Be vivid and graphic. Put the reader into the world.


Clarity: 4 / 5

I really had a hard time following what was going on throughout this thread. Most of this stems from the lack of solid details. When you’re fighting in an odd arena like this, it is absolutely crucial to describe in clearly so the reader understands what’s going on. I gave Barbarian the advantage here because I found his posts easier to read.


Wild Card: 7 / 6
It was an interesting little battle. It wasn’t amazing, but it definitely has some merit and potential. Keep writing and work on the things that I mentioned and you’ll see better results. An advantage goes to you, Aiko, because your character was just creepy.

Final Scores:

Aiko: 45
Barbarian: 58

Barbarian is the winner!

Barbarian gains 788 Exp, 300 GP, and the dismembered arm of a doll that was found randomly grabbing your hair. Creepy.

Aiko gains 150 Exp, 130 GP, and a new doll named Steve. He’s missing an arm, and does not have any magical properties yet.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.