Ascension to Power: Chapter 1

[Master Val'Rysn]

... Wake up...

... Wake up.

Wake up.

"Val! Wake up, my friend!" Cried Etre'si, standing over Val'Rysn's overturned body and shaking him wildly, the sleeping mage was in a trance.

After a couple more jerks Val slowly turned over so that he lay on his back, Godix backed up and smiled. "I thought you had died! Surely your little mage body can handle more pain than that." He chuckled.

Val sat up just a bit; he was in the same room. How long had he been sleeping? He was fatigued as if he had in fact had just gone through multiple hours of sleep. He felt refreshed though, and his wound only ached a little bit from beneath his white bandages. "What time is it?" Val'Rysn asked his companion, he looked him over and his eyes widened to see him without his robe. He was muscular, as muscular as a slim drow elf can be anyway. He was clad in tight fitting, black studded leather armor and had several other of the same looking vicious daggers he used earlier.

Godix noticed Val's surprise and laughed, "Yes, not only have I been training my mind but my body as well." He looked the weak drow mage over up and down, "You should, too. Looking a tad thin."

"Am I supposed to take that as a compliment?" Val responded, throwing his legs over the side of the bed and letting them dangle over the floor.

"Hmm, I guess not. Anyway, morning has just begun to dawn. I had your cloak and shirt carefully cleaned, did you sleep well?" Val nodded, Etre'si was obviously getting through all that general stuff quickly so he could say or ask something of importance.

"Out with it, then."

Etre'si smiled, picked up the cloak and shirt off the table and handed them to Val, he had already replaced the magical stuff into the cloak and he checked for that, "Haha... Not here, friend. Come to the Greeting Chamber with me." He backed up and opened the door, Val quickly slipped into his garments, grabbed his staff and followed. Once he got walking he noticed his legs hurt too, probably that chair... Damned Draconians.

The two mages traversed the halls once more, Etre'si leading the way, slowly so as to not ditch the slightly limping Val, who had whipped out his staff and used it as a walking stick. "So do these things happen often?" Val'Rysn asked his muscular companion.

"Yes, as a matter of fact. But don't worry, we've withstood many of these."

"Who were those men?" Val asked with a huff.

"Rogues. Thieves and bandits that live outside the city. They come in through my back entrance that leads out of the city. You do know that this Keep is in fact on the edge of the city?" Val nodded, and at last they had reached the room that he came in initially. It took much less time going through the halls that time. "We placed you in a room near mine, if you must know." Etre'si blurted suddenly, as he was opening the door leading to the Chamber. It answered Val's question so he decided to keep his mouth shut.

When they entered the room Val'Rysn saw a contingency of guards, mages and priests about. Doing various things, coming in and out of the East Wing. Apparently yesterday Etre'si had asked personally for the room to be emptied for Tenerick's arrival, but now it bustled with activity. His stone throne had a lightly armored guard on either side, he walked up the dais and plopped down on it. Val just walked to the center of the dais. He heard a priest chanting beside him but didn't really care about why.

"So, Val'Rysn, my friend," Godix began, the mage turned his attention toward the King of the Keep. "I have a favor to ask for you. On account of the recent attack, I have busy matters to attend to. But, unfortunately, I have to meet a friend within the morrow. But I won't be able to make it..."

The gimp mage had a weird look on his face, an incredulous look. "What?" Etre'si asked. Val was silent, mulling things over in his noggin.

Val'Rysn's expression dimmed, he knew what his friend was going to ask. "And I want you to meet him, in my place." ... His suspicions were correct.

"Well that was rather blunt." Val thought to himself. "... A friend?" the mage quickly responded, emphasizing the last word to try and implicate that the idea was absurd.

"Indeed."

"You expect me to do this with a limp in my step and a rather annoying pain in my chest?"

"Ahaha... You'll be fine, Master Tenerick."

"Former Master Tenerick, " He retorted, then waited a second before saying, "No. I can't. I have things to do myself, you know."

"Like what? Please, I beg you, especially on account of me saving your life." Etre'si responded with a laugh.

"Saved my - saved my what!?" Val responded, a hint of anger crept into his voice. But he quickly calmed down and composed himself. It was the truth, though. If it weren't for the strong Etre'si, Val would have had his head cleaved in half. But still, that does not mean he can be coaxed into running an absurd errand for him.

"Calm down, my friend," Godix said, keeping a kindly voice, "What if I threw in a pile of gold in the process? 10,000 sound good?" Now THAT just might - might - make him go through with it. He laughed to himself.

"10,000?"

"You have no idea how much gold I have amassed with merchandise. I have no trouble giving such a sum, especially to a friend. Please. I'll even give you the money for the trip there." Etre'si begged, whispering to his right hand guard, then the guard came down from the dais and pulled out a rolled piece of parchment and a small leather pouch from his sleeve and handed them to the limping mage.

"A trip? Where are you expecting me to go?" Val peeked inside the pouch and saw gold glittering back at him, he tucked it away in his cloak and his attention turned to the parchment. Before he unrolled it, he felt a soothing warmth wash over his entire body and in an instant, he felt as if his body had been revitalized - though the pain in his chest was still throbbing a little, his eye felt great though. He looked surprisingly to his side at the male priest who had a big smile on his face. He bowed and turned to walk away.

"Thank you, good sir!" The drow mage exclaimed, slinging his staff back over his back. "What a waste of two healing potions!" He quietly thought to himself. He unrolled the parchment then and saw that it was a well-drawn map, a map of... The Red Forest? "Raiaera!? What is this?" Val asked.

"'Tis a map -"

"Well, obviously." Val interrupted.

"A map of where it is I want you to go. I can tell that you've already thought about accepting my request. The safest path I have marked with a line." He continued, ignoring his friends smart remark. Val took a second look and saw a thin, curvy line extending Eluriand to a place in the Red Forest, 'Lindequalme' was written beneath it. "It will be a short trip -"

"I thought you said this needed to be done in a day?" The revitalized mage interjected.

"Oh, yes! I did, didn't I? Well it must've slipped out. No no, take your time. Now as I was saying," Etre'si paused for a moment, waiting to see if Val wanted to interrupt him again. He was silent, so he moved on, "You should have no trouble getting there. That is, if you go with these:" The guard that gave him the parchment whipped out a pair of knee-high, purple studded leather boots. He handed them to Val, who cradled them in his arms. They were magnificent! The soft leather caressed his black skin and they had the sleek shine of enchantment. "Those boots will allow you to be as light as a feather - You can walk for miles! Go ahead, try them on. Keep them, too, while you're at it!"

Val smiled and quickly slipped off his rugged adventurers’ boots and put his small feet into the silky leather cradles that were called Feather Boots. A snug fit. Not to mention, very fashionable. He wished he had that purple cloak to match the boots. He chuckled to himself at the thought, "Many thanks, friend." He responded calmly, trying not to act so happy and jovial. They were indeed a fancy gift.

"No problem. But this means that you must do it." With a slight twist of tongue, Etre'si had practically tricked Val into meeting this mystery woman. It wasn't even clever, either... Val was blinded by lust, the want for the things he offered in return.

"... Right now?" He asked quietly. He had decided to accept the mission in the end, before it turned into an ultimatum. Etre'si nodded.

"If you plan on reaching your destination in time, I suggest you do leave right now. I pray for your safety, friend!" Godix responded. Val bowed for final thanks for the boots after staring at his friend incredulously for a moment, then spun around and walked towards the dark hall, and laughed as he saw a dead Draconian being dragged across the floor towards Etre'si's wing, smearing a bloody trail across the stone floor... Strange? He had a bloody knife stuck into his forehead. Val'Rysn quickly bent down and plucked it out of his brain before they took the body wherever they were taking it, and shoved it into its leather home. Then, with a look back at Etre'si who gave him a nod, he continued walking into the lightless hall that led out, leaving the stale air behind. It was so weird and abrupt, leaving right away without a proper farewell. Val wasn't even sure if he wanted to do it, might even think about wandering off once he left - He only said he'd do it so he could leave the infested crypt before another raid came in. Nonetheless, his old friend had believed him, Etre'si was sitting on his throne with a smile of content...

... He was planning something. Something far more then a simple "meeting."

END

Val's story continues here

Spoils
Boots of the Feather: These fashionable boots are imbued with an enchantment that makes the wearer "as light as a feather." Allowing them to walk along surfaces such as snow, swamp, or anything of the like and not sink into the depths. Very useful.

Hand Crossbow: This is a simple hand crossbow, made from oak wood and steel, just small enough to fit snugly tucked in his belt and a small quicker of bolts would fit right next to it. Sadly, he hasn't acquired any crossbow bolts for it, yet.

[Skie and Avery]

STORY

Continuity: 5 - Okay. Here goes. First off, this was a pretty simple premise. An old friend knows you’re traveling around the region, wants to meet up. The basic storyline was fine, what I had problems with were the smaller continuity details. For example, why isn’t he a master anymore? Also, in one of your first posts, you stated that he couldn’t remember his old friend’s name, but only remembered him as “Master Mage.” Post 6 comes along, and not only do we get details about the non-birth given surname, but he goes on to call him by name without needing his memory refreshed. This is just really confusing to me. There was also a confusion caused by setting, but I’ll address it in it’s own category.

Setting: 1 - Okay. Several problems here. First and foremost, you need more descriptive narrative. The only scene I got a good visual from your writing was the one in which there was complete and utter darkness. The play of shadow and light you did well in, but the rest fell into vague mediocrity. Secondly, Dheathain is an entire continent that is swamp/rainforest based. In the description, it even says that the plains, by which Talmhaidh sits, is pretty frequently flooded. Therefore, the OLD city (not new) of Talmhaidh would not be a desert one. I mean, it even sits right by the ocean. Something I didn’t take points for but would like to note is that faerie races control half the city. Iron is lethal to fae. Doesn’t really make sense that the guards that keep the fae safe would wear armor made of something that would hurt them. Again, no points were taken because I’m not sure if Dheathain fae follow all the racial qualities of our own earthian fae. Just something that bugged me. Also, the underground keep is basically a huge basement. Basements are rarely found in port cities because they are known to flood often. Like ten million times a year. This is why the graveyards of New Orleans have a lot of above ground ossuaries. Knowing where you are placing a thread involves more than just names of the cities and denizens, and while players are encouraged to make the world of Althanas personal in their stories, going against the basic regional traits without a good reason/explination does nothing but confuse the reader and reduce the dignity of your thread.


Pacing: 7 - Not too bad here. It was a little difficult to get into this quest at first, but for the most part it didn’t drag on in the wrong places. You did very well here, in one of the hardest aspects of story writing. Something to work on is to grab the reader’s attention right from the start. Not with a post dedicated to a page from the character’s journal or whatnot, but in the actual narrative.

CHARACTER

Dialogue: 4 - Another area that needs work. Jerky and unbelievable, most of the time. For one, I don’t think Drow say “cool”.

Action: 6 - For a Drow, this guy is pretty laid back and friendly. That could just be him, whatever. From his actions, I didn’t get that great of a feel for the character. He just kind of went along with everything. Okay, okay, okay. Thinking about it that way, he was played pretty consistently. Something else that could be worked on here is how you phrase things. There were confusing points that had me all mixed up on who was doing what, in regards to the shield/attack on the Draconians, but most of that has to do with Writing Style, which will be discussed later.

Persona: 3 - I don’t feel that you have a good handle on him just yet. Hopefully a few more threads will see this category rise as you get the feel of the character, but for the moment, I just feel like he’s more or less background noise rather than the actual narration subject.


WRITING STYLE

Mechanics: 5 - There were quite a few spelling errors here, and you have the habit of slipping into present tense from your main use of past. It’s annoying and throws off the flow of reading. For the spelling, I recommend http://www.spellcheck.net if you lack one on your own computer. It’s free. Also, I’ve found that reading your sentences aloud before you post can catch the little errors that your eyes automatically adjust to when proofreading. In fact, going back and re-reading all your posts and making the proper grammatical and spelling fixes before submitting the judging request is something I highly recommend. If you have any friends who enjoy reading fantasy, ask them to be your “beta-checkers” and read your threads before you submit.

Technique: 3 - There were a few lines that I really liked. You’ve got a lot of potential, and I feel that a lot of work could really allow you to grow into a truly amazing writer. Let’s talk about fragments. There are times when using a sentence fragment can enhance a paragraph, bringing a point into more frame of light, making a point more poignant. I felt that you used too many fragments, and few of them were used well. Let’s take the first paragraph of post 3 and examine it.

Val'Rysn stood for a moment at that spot, his eyes darting side to side, taking in the whole city with one look. It wasn't very beautiful, to say the least. Not yet, anyway. The ground was dirt and sand, almost like some kind of desert town, but upon closer inspection he saw short blades of grass growing ever-so-slightly in several designated areas around the courtyard. And several baby trees too. That, coupled with the smell of baking brick and mortar beneath the sun's merciless gaze. Just few of many small things that showed the city's adolescnece.

Out of the seven sentences there, only three are not fragments. Also, you misspelled “adolescence.” Let’s re-write this, to say the same thing (ignoring the glaring ignoration of the general climate and setting of Dheathain.) Please note that I highlight the one fragment that actually serves it’s meager purpose.

Val’Rysn let his eyes dart from side to side as he took in the city. It wasn’t beautiful, to say the least. Not yet, anyway. The desert-like ground of dirt and sand gave way here and there to patches of grass and young saplings. The adolescence of the city was a scent of baking brick and mortar beneath the merciless gaze of the sun.

Clarity: 6 - As I’ve mentioned before, there were some parts here where I had to re-read to understand who was doing what and what exactly it was that they had just done. For the most part, however, you did a fine job of keeping the flow of the story moving along in a sane, clear matter.

Wild Card: 4 - This is the first thing I’ve read from you and for something you’d done solo after such a long break from Althanas, it wasn’t bad. I know that relatively speaking, Dheathain is a new region. However, I impore you that before you jump headfirst into unfamiliar territory, please make sure you know what it is that you are getting into. There are specific continent writers for a reason, aside from tossing out the occasional political status change of the region. If something doesn’t seem to make any sense, such as a desert city next to the ocean on a rainforest/swamp inspired continent, bringing your questions and thoughts to the mod in question via PM or IM would help considerably with the sort of mistakes that were made in this thread.

Total: 44

Master Val’Rysn receives 418 EXP and 97 gold. He also receives the Feather Boots. This item is made of enchanted vlince with a cushy cotton lining. They are enchanted so that no foot pain impedes a travelers wanderings. I.E. They are so comfortable that no matter how long a person walks, they feel no pain or discomfort in the foot area. Marginally lengthens stamina for WALKING ALONE. Please do not forget to include a link to this quest as well as the previous stipulations in your next level update. As a matter of importance to your next thread, Raiaera has certain energy/magic fields which will negate the enchantment on the boots. While on that continent they are nothing but a pair of comfy, flashy footwear.

Val does NOT receive the crossbow he picked up off the Draconian. It somehow was lost during his recovery.

[Letho]

EXP/GP added.