The Mean streets of Underwood. ((Closed))

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

The situation did something NEW to Corona's powers that were unexpected indeed. A thing of incredible talent. The potential that the boy had to attract the Phantoms was beyond great. The new Phantom showed up in spiritual form, only it had color and form. It was a displaced Atma unlike any other that Dyne Corona had ever encountered before. The presence glowed brilliant with an energetic residue that flared out in a powerful halo.

Dyne had to cover his eyes when he saw Sephiro's person in such a state. Had he made a mistake? Did he really attack Metal Drago without grounds? He never had a chance to hear MD's pleas of help to the boy but he trusted the Phantoms. Phantoms had no reason to lie. They were already dead. Dyne held the Phantom family's amulet in his hand and placed it quickly in his personal travel packs.

Where he once had burnt flesh he now had recovering scars. He knew that the burn marks would be permanent. How was he going to explain his growing collection of scars to Jessa and Stacey? Dyne ignored MD for a moment and looked up to the newly discovered Phantom. Somehow, the Phantom was able to project his thoughts into Dyne's mind and whisper to him a name. "Sephiro! Sephiro is your name huh?! All right, listen, I had no idea what your teacher's intentions were. I thought he was a bandit. I was unable to see him for a bit. So when I came to I thought he was trying to do me more harm."

The Phantoms were a neutral force. Dyne knew that he could trust the Phantoms even if they were a former enemy. Dyne learned a few things that day. He learned about Terramat's evil and he learned that Metal Drago might be a considerable ally. He sighed at his mistakes and forced himself to stand up, no longer feeling the pain. He instinctively grabbed at his chest feeling the cool breeze upon its strapping, exposed form. He was lucky that he'd put on the amount of muscle that he'd managed to pack on working as a black smith.

With the Phantom in front of them Dyne looked from Sephiro to MD. He would have to continue the battle another day or at least as a sparring session to train. "So you're a teacher huh? Would you mind taking up another student? That's an interesting fighting style you used back there. It reminded me of a Scorpion." Dyne said and looked at the Phantom named Sephiro. "You can go back now to where you were. I won't attack your teacher any further. I'm hoping he agrees to instruct me in his ways."

He then looked at MD. "I'm sorry about the jaw. You can get that healed in Underwood its a ways off that way." He pointed in the general direction of Underwood then relaxed himself. He kept his hand at his chest somehow still feeling the pain of the Wizard's fire.

[MetalDrago]

Sephiro laughed at the man standing before him. This Dyne fellow was something of an oddity. “As long as MetalDrago is alright, then I have no reason to stay around him.” Turning to face his former teacher, he bowed. “It is no fault of yours that I died. Just remember that.” With that, just as suddenly as he appeared, he was gone.

Bright yellow eyes scanned this event with impatience. The owner of the eyes was smiling evilly as he dropped to the ground some seventy yards away from MetalDrago. “You’d think that killing them once would be enough, but they always come back for some stupid reason or another. MetalDrago, you never really were the brightest one.” the man said, throwing his cape back and revealing a katana of mythril. “Of course it wasn’t your fault that the fool died. It was mine.” Terramat’s mouth curved up in a sinister smile as he chuckled.

MetalDrago stood back, shocked that Terramat had actually come for him instead of waiting with a trap, like Terramat usually did. “So… You show yourself, Terramat.” MetalDrago said, not caring about the pain or the slur in his voice anymore. He smile slightly as he brought his sword up into the Scorpion stance. Terramat merely laughed, and brandished his sword like a rapier.

“I’m not here to fight fool, only to warn you. Do not stand in our way again, or we will not fail to kill you. Last time we let you escape. This time, we’ll do no such thing.” With that, Terramat disappeared from view, seeming to vanish into the Shadows around him.

He always did like the dramatic side of things… MetalDrago thought, sheathing his sword. It would be no use to chase Terramat now. He was probably back at the Black Crystal Palace. MD then turned to Dyne and said, “Yeah… I’ll teach you how I use my long sword. Come on. Let’s get to Underwood.” Without saying another word, he turned and began the walk to Underwood, hoping that Dyne wouldn’t have him arrested for causing the scars which were, undoubtedly, still causing him a fair bit of pain. The boy was resilient, MD thought, as Phoenix took her customary position on his shoulder. A lot of men would have died from burns that bad, but to be healed, even that much; now that hinted at something much deeper than anything that MetalDrago had ever seen in his over two thousand years of life.

[Alberdyne_Cormyr]

((Conclusion Post))

Watching the bizarre event unfolding before him, Dyne saw the interaction between this shadowy Terramat and Metal Drago. Dyne eyed the situation for a long moment taking in all he could and preparing himself for a fight if one broke out. The youth was hot blooded and preferred a scrap to waiting around doing nothing. The Phantoms showed him a thing or two about life that day and he knew that he'd been quick to judge the situation. Dyne would not make the same mistake ever again.

The encounter cost him dearly. He rubbed his chest once more thankful that his Silver pendant and his family's heirloom necklace remained intact. Dyne was developing quite the collection of jewelry these days. He turned to look towards MD for a moment torn as to what to do next. On the one hand, Dyne wanted to go to Underwood with his newly found instructor and on the other hand he needed to complete his errand for Karxen. The Master Smith didn't like to be kept waiting while jobs were at hand.

With the forest surrounding him and trees of all sorts gathered like a congress, the youth made up his mind. "Hey Sir! I'll meet up with you in Underwood unless you want to come with me. You should really get help for that jaw. Again. I apologize for hurting you like I did, I was scared that's all. You hurt me pretty bad and I thought that I was going to die. That's why I reacted that way. If you go to Underwood seek out a blacksmith named Karxen. He's a Master Smith that works over at the Sleepy Willow. Tell him that Alberdyne Cormyr sent you." Dyne said. He pulled his leather jacket up around him and closed the zipper.

It wasn't that he was cold, he just didn't want to show that ugly scar to anyone that didn't need to see it. That burn mark was hideous. He turned and started to walk in the general direction of the lumberjack mill he needed to go to. He walked in silence knowing that MD with either walk with him or make his way back to Underwood. He'd traveled this path many times before and knew of all the small villas and mills that lurked across the Concordia landscape. They were connected to the Peregrine Group as well as Underwood. Some of the mills even belonged to local pockets of Wood Elves living in the Concordia Forests' many tree side villages.

Dyne felt incredibly thirsty as he walked. He took out his jerkin once more and took a deep pull of the refreshing cold water. The liquid felt like a blessing of the Thaynes to him. The youth continued to walk feeling the afternoon Concordia breeze. Once again the animals of the forest made various calls and sounds as they picked up their usual activity.

On familiar territory, Dyne approached the lumberjack mill and saw a well that was nearby to the mill. He filled his jerkins up with a fresh supply of water. A friendly lumberjack approached Dyne and he delivered his package to the kind man. On an instinctive movement he decided to show the amulet that the Phantom gave him to the lumberjack. The man broke down in tears when he asked where did Dyne receive the amulet. Dyne explained the situation making up a story that he found it from some bandits along the way to his mill and the man bought it. Dyne successfully delivered the amulet and the letter from Karxen. Hugging his companions, they invited him to stay for dinner and the youth decided it was a good idea after all.

A great tasting meal was a good way to end such a hard day...

The End.

************************************

((Spoils Request))

001--Archaic Scars. Burned by Wizards' fire the boy has reacted adversely to the attack. He now has terrible scars over most of his body, especially his chest where the attack of Metal Drago's fires assaulted him. The Wizard's Fire assaulted his very SOUL and left Alberdyne Cormyr with a spiritual burn as well as a physical one. Cormyr is not sensitive to magics and can eventually learn the mystic arts from the right teacher(s). For now this is just a marking upon his person. Through the Wizard's Fire, Dyne also developed an intense connection to Metal Drago. He can sense it whenever Metal Drago is around.

002--Anti Firmanent Projection. ((Astral Projection)) Thanks to Metal Drago's assault Alberdyne Cormyr unlocked one of his latent Psionic powers earlier than expected. When in times of great turmoil, the young Psionic can project himself into the Anti-Firmanent. There he can see Phantoms in their natural state and commune with them until he regains consciousness. When he is Astral Projecting, his physical body blacks out and he looks like he is in a state of deep sleep or deep meditation. He can currently only use this ability once per level. ((Locked until level 3 thank you))

[MetalDrago]

MetalDrago nodded and smiled when he heard Alberdyne mention Underwood. He had been there a number of times, and wouldn’t have any trouble remembering where that smithy was. The event with Sephiro’s phantom still had him on edge, but he wasn’t willing to show that. Beyond the vague creepy feeling of talking to the dead, there was a sense of peace that MetalDrago hadn’t felt in many years, not since his mother died.

Terramat’s appearance was the really creepy thing, though. MetalDrago would have staked his life on the fact that the Concordia forest was the last place Terramat would think to look for him. “Come to think of it, I’ve had this feeling that they knew where I was, regardless… Could this possibly be true?” MetalDrago said to himself as he walked along, whispering without moving his jaw, as to avoid aggravating the pain. He barely noticed as Phoenix took her customary perch on his shoulder.

You aren’t going to go after him, are you? Phoenix asked him, her sapphire eyes watching him with worry. She let out a songlike sigh when MetalDrago shook his head, winced, and laughed. You’d think with a broken jaw, you’d be more careful with moving your head. Phoenix admonished.

Really, Phoenix, you’re sounding more a like a wife than my friend every day. MetalDrago said. He was in a good mood, despite the troubling appearances of both Sephiro and Terramat in a single day. He would have plenty of time to think about this later, but for now he had to get to a healer of some kind. Underwood was still only a short walk away.

As animal crept out of view in the shadows of the forest, MetalDrago began to survey his surroundings. The forest played with the shadows and light as though they were living creatures, playing a game of eternal hide and seek. He absently wondered if the forces of ‘Light’ and ‘Dark’ were like that to the Thayne, merely two forces constantly trying to find and tag the other one, to make each other ‘it.’ A chuckle escaped his lips before he knew what happened. He was turning into a philosopher, but he couldn’t really care less.

As the forest began to thin out, MetalDrago saw the town ahead. He was elated to see that, even now, Underwood was, more or less, a very nice town to be in. He found the Sleepy Willow easily enough, and asked for the Master Smith Karxen without too much of a slur, and was even able to mention Alberdyne’s name without hurting himself. The person he had asked to find Karxen went to find him fast.

MetalDrago sat down, rubbed his broken jaw and wondered just what Dyne was doing right then. He figured the kid was having dinner by now, and was hoping to do much the same when he got his jaw repaired. As the Master Smith appeared, MD smiled. He explained the broken jaw as being by a band of bandits, and told him that Alberdyne helped him fight them off. He was then told that the town’s healer had been sent for, and he smiled. He was going to like being friends with this Dyne fellow, if it meant being treated this nicely. He idly wondered if he would be treated as well when not injured. Then he mentally kicked himself and told himself sternly not to worry about it. For now he was at peace, and that was what mattered most, wasn’t it?

_________________________________________
Spoils (1)
Magically repaired jawbone. A little stronger than the rest of his bones, now, thanks to the magical reinforcement. Not much stronger than average bone, but enough to make a difference between hairline fracture and completely broken.

[Witchblade]

Storyline

Continuity: - 6 Bobby, you did a good job at describing past events with your character to lead him into the very spot he’s in right now and I never felt very confused with it. However, Pavel, you kind of kept the reader in the dark about why Dyne—as he’s now called—isn’t with his true family. Even by the end of the quest I never entirely knew, you only described some kind of betrayal and his mother doing something to him, but I as the reader have no idea what it is and that’s a little frustrating. Besides that the storyline of the actual quest was…interesting. I’m not entirely certain what either of you are going to do with it or if you will continue as a master apprentice relationship, but you definitely should. I just wish the battle had been executed better, but you’ll read more about that below!

Setting: - 3 What setting? Neither of you described the setting much at all or even used it to your advantage. You’re battling in a forest! Hide behind a tree, pick up a branch, kick some leaves into your opponents face, or even trip over a jutting root or rock for all I care just use it in some way and describe it, please. I knew there were animals making various sounds, but for all the reader knew your trees could have had purple trunks and red leaves because no one described them. Heck, the only way the reader knew there were trees was because Dyne was sent flying through a few of them, you guys kept calling it a forest and when he went into the Anti-Firmament they decayed.

Pacing: - 5 The pacing was a little all over the place. There were a lot of internal thoughts from Pavel that kind of threw the reader for a ride, especially in the middle of a battle and sometimes Bobby you did the same thing. The flashback I liked, it was done in such a way that it didn’t really kill the flow of that post, but for aesthetic and clarity reasons try to separate flashbacks from present circumstances either by italicizing or separating it with a line. The both of you—though more so Pavel—need to work on the general flow of sentence to sentence to really help improve your pacing.

Character

Dialogue: - 4 Pavel, your dialogue seems very static, almost like there’s no personality in it. Try using tags that come before, in between or after your dialogue that describe facial expressions, body language or tone of voice. Just don’t use them too much, only to draw emphasis to something. Bobby, your dialogue needs some help as well, I don’t want to say it’s cliché, but it’s almost bordering on it. Not to mention it all feels the same. I can’t really differentiate dialogue from MD, Phoenix or Sephiro unless you tag it.

Action: - 5 Strangers walk around Concordia all the time, does MD jump out of trees, brandish a sword and demand the name of all of them? I certainly hope not. Oh, and I think Dyne crashing through several trees from the force of MD’s fire breath is one, quite impossible and two, would most likely either kill him or break his spinal cord.

Persona: - 4 This is a battle; a real honest to God battle with real sharp pointy objects that can kill and the person is not going to be revived because this isn’t The Citadel. So why, fully knowing this, would MD have such a drastic change of heart after connecting a move on Dyne? It seems like too much creator intervention on the character to me, either that or you just didn’t describe what was going on in MD’s head well enough for me to believe it. Both of the characters need some work to properly express their personalities; Dyne comes off a little flat, and sometimes too childish—even if he is 19. MD has drastic changes of emotion that flew around from sadness to happiness and anger, they were all over the place and not all were justified in my mind.

Writing Style

Mechanics: - 6 I’m sure both of you are at the point where you’re re-reading your posts, so I don’t think I have emphasize that. However, the two of you do need to watch your tenses. Pavel, please don’t foreshadow. I’ve read some of your other writing before and you have a bad habit of always leading the reader and telling them exactly what’s going to happen because you cannot properly foreshadow. You need to show the reader what’s going on, not tell them. And terrorist attack? That’s an odd choice of words for a fantasy forum. Are we in Iraq now?

Technique: - 6 Both of you need to work on developing your specific writing techniques with these characters. I can see them sitting there just below the surface but they need some help to get out.

Clarity: - 7 For the most part the writing was clear, but the actions of the characters were not so much at times.

Wild Card: - 5 This was an overall good idea for a quest that just didn’t come out very well once it came down to actually writing it.

Total: 51

Reward:

MetalDrago receives 600 experience and 100 GP!
Dyne receives 450 experience!

Spoils reluctantly approved for Alberdyn and approved for MD as well.

[Sighter Tnailog]

EXP Added!
Gold Added!