Legacy

[Breaker]

Thread Title: Legacy
Participant: Philomel
Judgment Type: Basic

This was an intriguing look into Philomel's character, as well as some of the NPCs who surround her and are relevant in her life. It's cool to see someone taking an IC event and having it influence their character on so many levels. But enough from me, onto the judgment.

Strengths

Creativity for characters and world-building: The scope you covered in such a short thread was fairly massive. There was a ton of information to take in, all revolving around Philomel and her history, and you delivered all this with flair. I think your creativity is the greatest strength in your writing; you are never out of fresh ideas when you need them, and it keeps things new and interesting for the reader. For what was basically a ten post thread, you employed more characters and diverse settings than a lot of 20+ post threads do. This really kept things clipping along and maintained my interest.

Setting description: As I mentioned above, you employed a number of diverse settings, and they were for the most part well described enough that I felt I could experience them along with the characters. This strength started early with your first post and persisted on throughout the thread. I personally believe that a setting the reader can picture is an important part of fantasy writing (there is a good reason we have an entire category in our rubric dedicated to it!), so it is nice to see someone take the care and time to provide the kind of details that make Althanas the world it is.

Canon Incorporation: You did a great job of incorporating not just Althanas canon, but also strong elements of storylines from other player characters on Althanas. I suppose that should be obvious since this whole quest was about the build up to killing Lye, but I still think it was well done enough to be worth mentioning. The incorporation of the Shinsou storyline early and often also helped to build the intrigue. If I wasn't already familiar with these characters it might have been a little confusing, but I thought you did a good job of providing just enough information to whet the reader's appetite.

Weaknesses

Let me start by saying, you're a strong writer, and this was a fairly basic type of thread, so these may look more like guidelines for further excellence than actual weaknesses. That said, I do think you've got some room for improvement, and I hope you find these helpful.

Character motivations and representation: Overall, you did a good job of managing a large and varied cast here, especially for such a short story. However, I often found myself questioning character motivations, including Philomel's. I didn't really get why she felt it was necessary (or even a good idea) to take Celandine, even with the reveal at the end it didn't make that much sense. When she pulled Celandine out of her adopted mother's grasp it reminded me of a scene from the Caucasian Chalk Circle, and without going into too much detail, the scene just made Philomel seem like she didn't have the child's best interests at heart, which I don't think was intentional. I also just don't think enough information was provided to explain why Vaeron felt it was so necessary to knock Phi up. That was a pretty big plot point that kind of came out of nowhere.

Strange repetitions: There were a few facts that got repeated over and over for no reason that I could understand, such as the fact that Vaeron was gay but had sex with Phi because he felt she should have an heir. I understood this the first time that you implied it, and you then went on to repeat the fact what felt like at least a half dozen times. My best guess is that you felt this was important information (which it is) and wanted to make sure you conveyed that to the reader. However, at times it almost felt like you were running out of things to say so you started repeating yourself. When you come across this in editing, you have a few options; cut it out and replace it (or don't, if the story works without it) or find some new information to tack on. For example, if each time you mentioned it some new information had come to light, it might have fixed both this and the above issue.

Start with your best stuff: While your opening description was quite beautiful, it was just that; a description. Setting the stage can only grab a reader's attention so much, so particularly with short stories like this, it's often best to start with an intriguing action or dialogue. When I say "action" I don't mean necessarily a fight scene - just something interesting happening, or being said. Something to immediately suck the reader into the story. In fact, the first few paragraphs, while well written, were largely irrelevant to the story. This doesn't mean they're bad, just that they would have behooved you better further on, once the reader had their interest invested in the story. I know it is tempting to start a scene with an "establishing shot" sometimes (and I admit I do this myself fairly often) but this is a fairly ineffective way of getting the reader immersed in the story quickly.

If you have any questions or would like further commentary on anything specific, don't hesitate to contact me. Thanks for submitting this thread for judging, it was a pleasure to read and review. Now on to the good stuff!

Philomel receives 1600 EXP and 120 GP.
Philomel pays 3 AP for the judgment.

Congratulations!

All rewards added. AP deducted.