(Scores are formatted as: [Nosdyn, Hayate/Total] )
There is a strange tonality overall in this thread that I’d like to address. It felt as if both writers were very focused in the success of their characters in battle, as perhaps some pride is tied to the power of your character. I can’t emphasize strongly enough that this is a functional mistake. Please focus on the quality of the story, the mechanics, and the READER, rather than which writer has constructed a more powerful in-game persona that can defeat other characters. Both of you clearly have a lot of talent that was left on the table here because as the reader it felt like this became a bit of a pissing match and your writing didn’t mesh like it is capable of.
Plot: 12, 13/30
Story- 4,5 /10
The entire premise of this thread is based upon these two squaring up in Radasanth for a fight. There is no interaction with Radasanth as a city that separates it from a vacant industrial complex; minimal mentions of citizens running in fear or trying to intervene, no life of the city interjected. I felt like that was a miss.
The story is also a battle, so I understand that motivation is not necessarily going to be strong. With that said, there was very little effort made to create character motivations. Hayate’s “test†from Shinsou, and Nosdyn’s desire to test himself were creative angles, but they weren’t really fleshed out.
Setting- 4, 4/10
This was a pretty mediocre thread for both of you in this respect. Setting was limited to visual sensory; even the tactical sensation of getting chopped in half or suffering damage as Hayate were really not very well represented. There was a little engagement in the setting based on the buildings used, but it could have just as easily been a slab of mountain as it was a large building you were chopping up.
Pacing- 4, 4/10
For a short battle with very little buildup, the pacing was a bit choppy. Nosdyn and Hayate both toggled back and forth between turns where they did literally nothing, or turns where I thought they had multiple moves strung into one turn.
Fundamentally it was clear that you were both enjoying the write, but struggling with communication amongst each other. Hayate’s allusion later in the thread that “damage taken by the Corpse King is transferred to him†was a nice gesture to let Nosdyn in, but you should find a way to introduce that tidbit out of the gate, or communicate with each other via PM/GoogleDoc/Facebook/carrier pigeons.
Character: 15,15 /30
Communication- 5,4 /10
Both of you struggled with each other’s actions, or lack thereof. The responses came fast and furious, but it felt like two people writing different stories, rather than a cohesive encounter that you both were enjoying. It’s too bad; I like both of your writing quite a bit and know you’re both capable of a great deal more.
Nosdyn, there are times when your character says way too much. The time it takes to articulate multiple sentences is often underestimated in a battle, where a fraction of a second is super critical.
Hayate, it felt like your character was struggling to be a realistic character. You have all these shadow figures around that attack the city, but it’s unclear if that saps your energy. The Yamato/Corpse King character seems invincible at first and then becomes your weakness, even though he’s largely just a visage. Your character could be much more interesting if you add some more vulnerability to him rather than focusing on making him ultra powerful in character.
Action- 5,6/10
This was one of the stronger categories, although as I’ve mentioned the pacing struggled a little bit with the overall activity level of the thread. There was no animosity in this battle, which was interesting when two characters engage in a death match.
Nosdyn, I really liked that you didn’t close attacks and had some creative ideas, not simply hacking and slashing at your opponent. You were on the nose a bit with how slow Nosdyn is relative to his power.
Hayate, your character has some nice depth here with a little Japanese vibe, very similar to some of the thematic elements that Shinsou offers. There was a lot of action that you offered here to make things exciting, but it wasn’t extremely well connected. The shadow crew seemed to become a bit abandoned along the way, which was odd.
Persona- 5,5/10
Both characters are unique and have a really interesting vibe to them. I like Nosdyn’s complete dispassion, although it certainly feels like he could use a shot of humanity to make him a little more relatable. Hayate also has a cool vibe about him, but more time was spent talking about what he’s capable of than focusing in on who he is and what really makes him tick.
This isn’t a thread that lends itself to really developing persona. You don’t get penalized or rewarded; it is what it is.
Prose: 14,15 /30
Mechanics- 4,4 /10
This was the weakest category for both of you, and frankly a “4†is being a little generous. It was very obvious that these posts were not carefully proofread, as I struggled to find any posts from either of you that was totally clean. Specifically, Hayate needs to do much better in formatting spacing and construction of thoughts relative to normal text. Nosdyn had a large number of incomplete sentences.
Clarity- 5,5/10
This was a reasonably strong category for you both, although I had to go back a couple times to format my thoughts on each character. Nosdyn’s activities were rarely ambitious, and some of his activities were questionable; why was he slashing at the building when it’s clear he’d be strong enough to climb? Hayate did a nice job of clarifying Yamato, the voice in his head, from the main character. Conversely, I think all the moving pieces in Hayate’s posts made understanding some of it a bit unnecessarily complex.
Technique- 5,6 /10
I won’t dock you both again on this as I already hammered on poor spelling and mechanics problems. There wasn’t much in the way of metaphor, foreshadowing, or allusion here, although Hayate’s allusion to some Althanian lore with other characters and regions got him an extra point.
Wildcard: 5,5 /10
It seemed like a fun thread that took a turn at some point and went a little off the rails. The post rate implies some rushed writing. Having fun is a big part of Althanas, so I hope you enjoyed this ride and learn from some easy-cleaned mistakes.
Final Score: 46,48 /100
Hayate Wins!
Nosdyn receives:
300 EXP!
40 GP!
Hayate receives:
1000 EXP!
80 GP!
Congratulations!
