Ride The Lightning
EXP: 166,794, Level: 17
Level completed: 83%,
EXP required for next Level: 3,206
Late to the party, but I wanted to add some thoughts for you here. This was a really fun quest, and both of you are terrific writers. These are sort of disorganized notes I took reading through the thread. My notes are inherently critical since I tend to only jot something down if it appears like a mistake. Those were few and far between.
I like the quick pacing, but it draws attention to a couple simple grammatical mistakes or odd idiosyncracies.
As an example, the sentence:
“He’d been under a lot of stress, and so had his dear friend Rayleigh Ashton, so he’d devised a clever plan.â€
This reads a little awkwardly; I may suggest breaking it into two sentences, or using parentheses to capture the middle clause. Similarly, in post 15:
“He felt torn, after all he also was a horrendously sloppy eater, but the two “needed†to keep a low profile.â€
Its good work, but this complex thought is not very smooth reading. Perhaps a semicolon after torn, and rewording to “after all, while he was…� There are a few ways to write this in a way that is easier for the reader to follow.
Rayleigh, post four:
“Obviously. But he bit the comment back†– it’s not immediately clear where you are referencing here, perhaps a thought fleshed out mentally that you didn’t clearly delineate.
Clever, fun dialogue in the back and forth. Subtlety and inside jokes that are well explained. I love the interplay between you two; I think this is the first quest I've read with both of you writing together but would sign up for more in a heartbeat. Vincent's almost childish crush on Ray is wonderful, and she is appropriately disengaged from whatever he's actually up to. There's a fun tension between the two.
Action is very slow; teasing “the mission†and discussing upcoming activity. A slow burn to get where we’re going.
The taco aside feels out of place on Althanas, but was really fun and I enjoyed it anyway. Other references, like “Reggae, mariachi†etc feel initially completely out of place, which would damage setting. This work smartly turns on these references and makes them a major element of storytelling. Cards’ earthen heritage is useful, and the deliberate tie-in was smartly executed. I pivoted from loathing the out-of-place references to savoring them, from tacos to Dallas and everything in between. This was a really creative piece of work that really added a lot of value to your story.
Post 13: “equally as tan†should be “equally tanâ€. Nitpick city, I know.
The actual action happens very late in the quest, but it’s a simple mission that pivots and fills out a relatively modest quest nicely. It does make for a massive swing in tonality; the cave is juxtaposed to the island setting dramatically and feels like a different quest altogether.
Great job!
