This is really good Flamebird. I have a couple of comments and can easily expand.

My main concerns would be pacing and character introduction. You throw a lot at the reader at once and could take more time developing the world and the plot. I love the main twist of fatherhood, and the names you use. Clarity is also an issue in parts, but the set up for the story looks really intriguing.

Would you like me to do a full rubric on this? Or I could go through it segment by segment and mark our the best bits and areas for development.

Ailsa/Phi