October-November 2020 Vignette Judgment

This was an interesting prompt with two very different submissions. I don't have any general comments other than that, so on to the judgments!

Flamebird
Use of Topic: You definitely did a good job of using existing Althanas lore to answer the brief. The thread had an appropriate setting, main action, and storyline for a haunted/horror theme. Felicity is of course a very powerful character, but you brought in a force capable of terrifying and overcoming her - good job.

Creativity: I liked your representation of the spider magi, although I was not aware that they were quite so sensitive to all forms of light. Overall though I think you didn't give enough attention to the actual horror and/or the resolution. You also do a lot of telling when you could be showing, for example, in the beginning you told us that Felicity was a devout of the Thayne and then showed us with her cousin's amulet. It would have been more effective and concise to just show using the amulet and how her actions/feelings surrounding it.

Mechanics: This story was really 2-3x as long as it needed to be. The first section on its own could have been a vignette, the dream sequence could have been a separate vignette, and the rescue could have also been a vignette. You don't get points for writing more though - in fact, you lose them. We define a vignette as a short, descriptive scene or slice of life. I would recommend that you put more of the time/energy you spend writing into brainstorming and editing.

Otherwise, you had a quite a few mechanical errors especially near the beginning, and the last scene didn't really make sense to me. I think that was because you were trying to show how confused Felicity was, but you may have played it up too much.

Philomel
Use of Topic: You clearly established the scene with feelings of unease and horror, but it seemed to lack a main action which would have made use of these feelings. I would have liked to see a little more of the character and less description/counting of candles, even without necessarily making the content longer.

Creativity: Your descriptions were very articulate, but a bit heavy on the candles, and it felt like you left the idea halfway through. While you do want to provide a brief "slice of life", context is still important in order for the reader to understand what's going on.

Mechanics: I don't recall any glaring mechanical problems, which is appropriate considering the overall length.

Flamebird wins by a nose!

Flamebird receives 900 experience + 86 for good behavior and 200 gold.
Philomel receives 1200 experience and 150 gold.