The Osiris Open 2017: Round 2 (Storm Veritas vs Duffy)

[Philomel]

Osiris Open 2017 Round 2:
Storm Veritas Vs Duffy: Skull Woods

Combat:

For this section I looked at the overall combat with the skeletons, as well as the 'combat' between your two parties. Both of you took this part of the contest unusually, going from a concentration to be centred around one on one combat but the story itself ended up being about survival. This was taken into consideration in your story.

Duffy: 20/30

Strategy:
As a judge, now looking at the story after it has been written, it is unknown whether the events in post 6 are deliberate in Ruby and Duffy missing the presence of the skeletons or not. Instead you focus on the fact that Ruby needs too describe that they are not necromancers, and the gearing up for possible one on one combat. Post 8 has Ruby considering: “how she’d been so fucking oblivious” in realising then that the skeletons are properly attacking, and then the group combat begins. Your strategy during this next part is unusual in respect to having an uncertain child Duffy and adding in the 'older sister' figure of Ruby in that time. Using a series of backhands to wake Duffy up to some extent, and adds to the overall feel of the battle, but I felt there could have been more focus, earlier, on what was occurring around.


Resourcefulness:
In terms of using your abilities, and making use of the situation the highlight of resourcefulness, there was a highlight when you have Duffy go to a fallen trunk and charge – summoning wings to fly and launch at dread creature (post 12). Climbing onto the beast at the ended also added to show your character's resourcefulness. Your use of bardic magic, and adding in the songs themselves added to the atmosphere well and gave a good hold onto the idea of blade singing. With two characters involved you brought a great deal of abilities and actions done that though perhaps could have done with using the scenery more were effective.

Execution:
Overall you weave a good amount of hits and blows at the skeletons with both Ruby and Duffy. There are many hits sent, with a great instance with the ball of energy. A couple of things were lacking however – one being the amount of hits taken by Ruby and Duffy were severally low, especially considering the fact they did not notice the oncoming creatures until later, and not even from the larger creature at the end. There also seemed to be a lot of words and few action, bringing down the reality of such a fight lower, which when compared to Storm's writing is unfortunately shown to be lacking. What content there was, was good, however I would have liked to see a more balanced fight.

Storm Veritas: 23/30

Strategy:
Strategy needed to be fast and decisive for the majority of this piece, which you responded to well, using instinctual-based ideas. You do change the central combat of the story from looking at combat with the siblings to then focusing on the skeletons – from “'It seems your boy here needs a lesson, and that’s helpful, as I need some prac…'” to noticing the skeletons. With an accusation of necromancy to them you set up the possibility of one on one combat but then veer away from this two posts after. The strategy of your combat then becomes focused on survival, using skills as the seeming experienced presence giving advice on how to defeat the enemy. This is thematically appropriate and helps forward the plot.


Resourcefulness:
Storm defiantly tries various skills to conquer his foes, from words to the siblings, to finally using his surroundings. A particularly amazing highlight was when you write, in post 10, “whopping bolt of electricity at trunk of a large elm,” and though this does not stop the creature it shows raw intelligence and use of the scenery alongside your base lightening ability. You have him show ability to be able to deal with the situation when it comes, such as dealing only smaller shots when Duffy is on the final beast's back, which is a theme of resourcefulness.

Execution:
There is a short amount of time in which a true bout of combat takes place. In it however, you show your character dominating over the skeletons in a fairly easy manner, using skill and electricity (see Resourcefulness) - though I would have perhaps liked to see more description of the beast later on itself, and where precisely Storm hits. You do not fear to write that your character experiences fear (post 7), finds them hard to kill (post 7), and also has particular difficulty with one limb (post 9). In post 9 also you show the effects of using too much of the electric power. This shows a balanced amount of ability and competency as well as making the fight itself believable.


Character:

Duffy: 19/30

Communication:
There are various strong points for your communication – including, but not limited to the difference between Duffy's speaking from boy to man and Ruby's overall 'big sister' banter. These individualise your characters well. Though I would have liked to see more focus on Duffy as he was technically the one involved in the fight, there was a strong recognition for who was who in terms of how they spoke and what was said. The largest issue with writing in terms of weakness is when they spoke, as some of it occurred in the middle of fighting scenes when realistically there might not be that much time to do so, and with unusual phrasing that did not quite suit thematically for the situation, when directly compared to Storm. (post 8) Overall though, a dynamic approach.

Action:
You show the art of subtle actions in this piece, using them to further your character's development. One such example could be said to be in post 8 where Ruby, “bit her lip,” displaying the emotions of the time. Though I would have liked to see more that showed individual personality traits, there are very good decisions made in when your characters pick up their weapons, use them and how they use them – and why. In some circumstances, also there, there was some confusion. One such is why Duffy strides to the tree first, and then charges, when there is so much violence (post 12). Saying this, no action was wasted in any way, and were written well.

Persona:
What comes through the piece is the personality of Duffy in terms of his reactions and his attitude from boy (post 2 in being scared) to man (having a “deranged” expression in post 10. Although you do not use direct internal thought as Storm does in his writing, there is a smaller subtle use of persona in the manners as described, and also in Ruby to some extent, with use of some adverbs (“apologetically in post 10) that help to lift this. Overall it would have been good to see more of a focus on persona, whereas you do dedicated a lot of time to words and actions, but what content there is is good.


Storm Veritas: 23/30

Communication:
A good key in communication is devising ways of how your character might communicate on an individual level different to others. In post 5 you reflect on this well, with a secret set of words to Attila the horse: “take five, eat up.” Later in the same post you use phrasing that are individual to Storm himself, “drak-bile in my pipe-pouch,” which only seeks to add more to his character. This continues through the piece, speaking when only it is appropriate, or when there might be something to say reserving it to the mind, and you only add flavour to the thread with this. I would say this is an excellent example of communication in this thread.

Action:
In a similar vein to Duffy, you use small actions well, using such things as “nostrils flared” and Storm “scanning” the view in post 7, that show the smaller sides of his character – anger and perceptiveness. Larger actions are mostly devoted to combat itself, and though in some terms I would have liked to see some more habitual actions, such as the placing of the hand onto Attila before sending him away. Various sides of Storm are shown in his actions, and this is an excellent example of how to use such to show character.

Persona:
You have great hold of internal communication, not shying away from language: “Ugh, rude people. Rude people are the f*cking WORST. Don’t they know that shit can get you killed?” post 5. This adds punctuation to the piece in the middle of combat and tense situations and lets the reader know what Storm is feeling during these moments. Other subtle things, such as his voice “deepening” in post 7 also express persona. Though perhaps I would have liked to see more lengthy discussion over what the Osiris Open was, and why they did not fight one another, overall there was a strong hold here in this section.
Prose:

Duffy: 20/30

Mechanics:
Overall you show a good hold of punctuation rules and paragraphing, although there are a couple of spelling mistakes. Post 1 has: “a firm bac hand” instead of “back.” These can be avoided with a small amount of read through. A more developed use of punctuation is something I would suggest from here, such as trying out hyphenation and semi-colons, though what you have is grammatically correct and fits well with the structure of the piece.

Clarity:
Your first post is initially confusing for a reader if they did not know your characters well. The phrasing “his adult self” does not explicitly infer that Duffy can change from a child into a man at will, and so confusion can be said to exist here. Having two characters also caused a couple of issues with readability, although this is minor in the grand scheme of things. There were points in which also the reader can get lost in your combat, primarily post 8. Please see Storm's posts surrounding this for comparison. Saying this, however, the resolution was clear and your shorter paragraphs add a visually easy to read piece.

Technique:
Technique overall was very beautifully done, with description of the setting at the start that helped to focus in at what the scenery was like and some excellent use of metaphor. One prime example is post 10: “unfurling in a cloud of fossilised marrow and regret”,” that expresses not only the physical objects but also the mood. Great word choice also exists that I enjoyed reading, such as “incessant and futile” in post 10, and this is accompanied by the very power of the song lyrics you use. In some ways I felt you missed a trick with the song lyrics – they could have perhaps been used to reflect more of the atmosphere of the scene, by using the more stressed notes to throw the magic and use to your advantage, however their simple presence already adds strength to technique.


Storm Veritas: 22/30

Mechanics:
Mechanics for the most part is complete and central, with no obvious spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. Your use of semi-colons in places (post 9 for example) helped to also show the skill that you have. One small mistake that was found, was the missing technical issue at the end of post 9, where there is a “[/i]” appearing on the physical piece. This is something that can be tidied up with a brief proofread, and this would be the only clear mechanical error.

Clarity:
Clarity for the most part is done well on your side. There are a couple of points of miscommunication that seemed to have happened, however, where you refer to Duffy and Ruby as “the children,” in post 11. This is a couple of posts after Duffy was said to grow into adult form. Aside from this your actual content was clearly described, with blows falling and each sentence and movement easy to follow. Suggestion for the future would be to make sure you are fully understanding your writing partner's piece and not being afraid to ask questions of them.


Technique:
In some ways it looks like you wrote this with a thesaurus open beside you, which adds power to your writing. Such words as, “indefatigable” in post 9 and phrases like “incoming appendage” add a change to something that could have been simpler and thus make your writing stronger. There are fine examples of metaphor, such as post 15 with “a depressing anchor about the neck” that show the effect of words, and hints at imagery. Though there perhaps could have been a longer more extending metaphor used, such as that of death, you write very artfully and beautifully.


Wildcard:

Duffy: 7

Storm Veritas: 6

Duffy gets rewards for writing an amazing character called Duffy who I think I want to adopt.

Storm Veritas gets rewards for showing a good relationship between man and horse, though some might ignore, you write about later, and develop the nature of Attila also as the story evolves, and added something truly special.


Final Comment:

Thanks guys and sorry for this taking so long.

Final Score:

Duffy: 66

Storm Veritas: 75

Storm Veritas wins and goes through to Round 3.

Rewards:

As per with the rules of the Osiris Open, all rewards are based on a score of 65.

Storm Veritas receives:
1520 EXP
100 GP

Duffy receives:
1400 EXP
100 GP

Duffy forfeits their GP win as per rules of the Osiris Open.