[Althy Day] Perspectives

[Philomel]

Name of Thread:
Althanas Day Vignette: Perspectives

Jdd2035:

Your vignette had a nice succint style to it and it was clearly laid out in point of views one and two. I did like how you incorporated your character's enthusiasm for ships, that being a key part of your character's personality and individual story. The story had some good base description, but I would definitely had liked to see more use of general technique. A use of a theasaurs could really help to ease the more unusual words into your writing. There was a lot of sentences also starting with 'the' and 'it' which is repetitive, and so try varying the start of your sentences a little more in future. That being said I really liked the way you laid it out and chose a really good comparable subject - a zepplin ship!

Garron:

Unusually you chose to incorporate your two perspectives into the same piece, that was filled with realisatic gore and action. It took a little longer than I would have liked, and it would have been good to get into the two different perspectives earlier, but nearing the end you show the very clear definition between Garron and Brem. It was a story that took time to show the twodifferences and had a great amount of detail and some fabulous description: "Just as quickly, a vined object came drudging from between tree and rock, slicing a double wave in it's speedy wake through the swampland." The story itself was clever, full and long. It was a little long for a vignette, I would have liked to see some more concise writing, but overall it was really well written, had great clarity and mechanics and can definitely be said to be a fine piece.

Rogue:

Opening with the same line, "Oh its you," was really striking and powerful. It let the reader know that they are truly about to be shown the same scene ... but then it changes. Both parts also have the same flow and pattern, with the layout and the start of the sections very similar. Subtle changes such as, "You were fond of this silly routine," to "You despised this silly routine," were exceptionally clever and show fantastic writing technique. Using the second person 'you' is a challenge for anyone writing as well, but you managed to conquer it to a relevantly good degree. I would say that there could have been more differences in how the two character's perceived things (for instance, did they both see the last look as "pointedly") and there was a couple of mechanical issues: capital "T" on "Then" after a comma, first perspective 7th paragraph. However, overall you did have a very powerful story to tell and answered the brief very excellently.

Winner: Rogue
2nd Place: Garron
3rd Place: jdd2035

Congratulations Rogue!

Rewards:

Rogue:
400 EXP
200 Gold
1 AP

Garron:
240 EXP
150 Gold
1 AP

Jdd2035:
400 EXP
1 AP