Viator Mundi
EXP: 155,108, Level: 17
Level completed: 18%,
EXP required for next Level: 14,892
Star Rating: ******
Commentary
The one thing that is evergreen about your writing is your technique. You have a very unique way of telling a story, using very fluid and easy-on-the-eye detail, that captures the imagination and puts the reader there at the scene. Even in this somewhat shorter (compared to your usual endeavours) story, what you do use, you use well.
Whilst your technique is good overall, as I mentioned above, there were a couple of sentences (or bits of sentences) that were jarring whilst reading. One example was “would be raised in love and attention.” (should be “would be raised with love and attention.”). Another was “At least Celandine was lucky enough to have a Blessing. As if she was a race that lived only a few years she matured quickly.” Finally, “it was that they would he the life she had never had”.
This might seem a bit like nitpicking, but when your technique is as refined as it is, these types of things detract from the overall feel and quality of the writing. You are definitely too good a writer to not be proofreading your work, whether it’s a fifteen post monster or a ten post, easy-going thread. For a short story that began in March 2021 and ended in August 2021, it felt (and read) as if it had been rushed. There were numerous spelling (and other, such as capitalisation) errors that a quick polish up would have caught off-the-bat before submission.
The story itself was very middle of the road. One thing you did very well within the context of the story was exploring Celandine’s frustrations and insecurities within the family unit, and portraying them to the reader. However, I felt that (certainly by your high standards), this was one of your weaker threads for plot. The subject material you chose felt recycled a bit; I feel like the Philomel motherhood angle has featured in (or been at the core of) more or less every thread you have done in recent times. This is not to say that I don’t enjoy that dynamic of your work, just that I feel you need to take it and perhaps try different ways of incorporating it.
All-in-all, I would summarise as saying that Celandine, as a character, has a huge amount of potential. In order for her to flourish, you need to place her in original situations and I look forward very much to seeing what she can do in the future!
Rewards
Celandine receives 960 EXP and 120 GP!
