Name of Thread: Kindred Folk: Into Sidhe
Judgement Type: Full Rubric

Plot - 18

Story - 7

The story altogether was enchanting and very lovely to read. It was a gentle tale in seeming fairy-tale like qualities, but with dark undertones. The fact you never discover what the “Chasm” actually is is a very good way of keeping suspense in the tale. There were points that seemed a bit too rushed, as if you had a great idea and simply just wanted to get it down. Your passion for the story is clear in it, and that is great to see, and the entire tale is exciting. The friendship in the end made between Fenn and Banrion was enchanting, and opens up a wide world of stories I look forwards to reading.

Setting - 6

You open with a powerful, if simple, description of the landscape and atmosphere of your story, setting the scene clearly with remark on colour, cityscape and direction. This sets the tone for a very setting heavy story, with such things as the ice make-up of Sidhe being important, as well as the fact everyone wears masks. It was nice to see that many of the masks of important individuals were described, and though perhaps more detail could have been added onwards into the thread as a whole, you have a good hold of it. What I did really like was the description of the green sky.

Pacing - 5

Pacing was done well, with a good amount of posts between all the important scenes, and the length of the journey that Fenn was tied to the sled for. It seemed at a good, constant pace, though picked up a little with the mass of communication at the court scene. This maybe could have done with a more lengthy amount, with more description in it to add to the reader's perception of what was going on and Banrion's importance to the story. From this point the thread continues at a steady pace, rising only near the end, and it is good to see but perhaps could have seen some more rises and falls. The scene with Morrighna could have done with more time, being one example. Overall good in basics, with room for improvement.

Character - 20

Communication - 7

Your communication at its base is unusual, for the purposes that Fenn is a mute. That being said, you still use communication well, adding more emphasis than might be usual into gestures and subtler things such as emotions: “He lifted his hands into wolf’s view, exchanging few curt gestures she couldn’t ignore. Safe people? Free me.” Post 2. Also communication is done well in terms of styling of phrase and fitting the situation, with phrasing by Knarl being more official than others, and that of Sir Aengus friendlier, and Banrion's formality. Though with being a mute you did tend to take a couple of liberties (such as not mentioning the fact that snow is cold when touched, and Fenn would need gloves or other), but overall communication is a strong for you.

Action - 6

Action for Fenn is littered with child-like joy and curiosity that accentuates his appearance as a child. Things such as sticking out his tongue in 4 adds to this personality that Fenn has, as well as adding to the elements of the story. It leads him in certain paths, and though you do use an intense description of his actions later on in the story, you have others take his place. A further use of smaller actions to help build character could be suggested for figure like Banrion, who I would have liked to see more developed slightly, because of her importance. There are various things that potentially could be looked at with her two heads, for instance, that I would have liked to see, but overall actions were decisive and purposeful.

Persona - 7

You use persona well to demonstrate something very particular about Fenn, that identifies him as an animal lover: that being his devotion to Daugi. In post 5 there is written, “Wait- no! / No! No! / They couldn’t him away from Daugi!” with marked thoughts and paragraphing that extenuates his passion for the wolf. You continue to use internal thought – though one suggestion could be to italicise this or find some particular other way to define it from other general prose. There could also be more profound use, such as more detail as to Fenn's reactions to things, but overall done well.

Prose - 23

Mechanics - 8

No clear mechanical issues came up when reading this, so for that well done. There were no obvious spelling mistakes, even with a secondary and tertiary read. Perhaps one thing to think of in future is developing more mechanical devices to add tension, though there was a great use of punctuation already, with many uses of hyphenation and some colons. This is something that people rarely use and was exceptionally well done by yourself.

Clarity - 8

For the most part your thread was clear and concise, with very little to mar the general story. It was a good, clear one, and is generally a good read. There were only points where pacing put off the reading steadiness at points, and this can effect clarity, but well done for the most part.

Technique - 7

You have a method of writing that has a beautiful quality to it. In post 4 you write that, “There was a spot in his chest that felt heavy with betrayal,” that shows excellent of metaphor. The use of a language also that is written out in words, but that Fenn cannot understand cleverly hints at his connection and the memories. It establishes a connection that you could use in future threads, which this one perhaps looks at. You have a good strength in technique, with a strong description, though perhaps think a bit more in terms of imagery etc in future.

Wildcard - 6

The pure use of the Fae, and adding this side of the mythology into Althanas is amazing to use. You genuinely seem to know your myths, and this adds to your skill as a write.

Final Score: 67

Rewards:

FennWenn receives:
6004 EXP
344 GP

Spoils Request: granted. Rewarded at the cost of 300 GP. GP taken from spoils. Description below.
"Suan Gadai, The Dreamstone - A smooth, silver-green rock fashioned out of machalite and traded for Fenn’s Ethereal Crystal and Amari’s Locket (sorry Amari) by none other than Chancellor Banrion of the Winter Court. It allows Fenn to communicate with her in his dreams, and she to access to his memories during his waking hours -- so long as he wears it around his neck. It also faintly glows in the dark! Hooray for shiny!"

Inclusive of Althanas Day 3x Rewards. Cost of 5 AP taken for cost of Full Judgement.

“Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevelled tide,
And dance upon the mountains like a flame.”
― W.B. Yeats, The Land of Heart's Desire