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Hi! So what I usually do for workshop threads like this is nitpick the first few posts for mechanics/grammar. Then, once I feel like I have a grasp on the strengths and weaknesses of your writing style, I stop annotating those bits and move on with the story and characters. That’s what I’m doing here.
Post 2
“Her eyes were pinched shut in concentration, and her hands were cupped so tightly that she can feel her bones.” Tense disagreement; ‘can’ should be ‘could’
“An eternity later, a spark appeared, and bursted into a small flame.” ‘Bursted’ should be ‘burst’
“His flames appeared instantly and shot halfway up cavernous hall, burning as red as his red velvet shirt.” ‘burning as red as his velvet shirt’ – the second red is redundant
Post 3
One thing I noticed – you’re inconsistent with whether you italicize Arianthe’s thoughts. “Lazy donkey asses, the lot of them.” Neither is wrong, but pick one and stick with it. Also, if you italicize, italicize the whole sentence.
First impression of Darger is that he’s a dumbass. He’s making fun of Arianthe for being mediocre when he’s even worse?
“You’re balls-less ass, right?” ‘You’re a balls-less ass’
You’re inconsistent with the spelling of your character’s name. I’m assuming it’s Arianthe, but I’ve already seen it spelled Arainthe and Araithe as well. Also, Old Man Taiu was mentioned as Old Man Taius once.
Post 4
Yer a wizard, Arry!
“hurling a full leg of lamb.” Hauling? Unless she’s literally throwing the leg of lamb
“Tessa Ree was a plumb and homely Temple cook with brown eyes and browner hair,” ‘plump’
“The name was familiar, like an old forgotten taste, flitting just out of reach in Arainthe’s mind.” Good line here. Still misspelling your name though
Post 5
About a quarter of the way through now, I guess this feels kind of typical? The arrogant, unlikeable teachers, the lowly-but-friendly staff, the incompetent asshole classmate, the ultra-competent not-quite-as-asshole classmate.
Post 6
“Tessa Ree stood a feet away to keep an eye out for any passerbys.” Either ‘stood feet away’ or ‘stood a foot away’… also, passersby
“The greeneries and thin trees in the garden did little to sooth her annoyance.” soothe
“Arainthe had planned on actually talking to Old Man Taius. That plan just went out the window.” Why? I don’t see why Arianthe couldn’t just wait until Hruine left. Looks like you’re trying to set up an ‘underdog beating all odds’ situation here, but this could have been thought out a little better.
“not that the old man had ever hid it” either ‘had ever hidden’ or ‘ever hid’
“Her fists clenched until it hurt.” They
Post 7
Alright, I’m going to stop picking out individual typos for the rest of the thread. By now the trend is pretty clear – your mechanics are solid overall. You run into a few spelling mistakes when spellcheck can’t help you (on your names, for example) and I’ve spotted a couple of instances where you mix up tenses. Just watch for those types of things.
I felt that you missed an opportunity to show me something about Arianthe here. Hruine is clumsy and loud when traveling through the woods, yet Arianthe can follow his trail in silence. When did she pick up these skills?
Post 8
It feels like you went out of your way to establish Darger as an unlikeable character, and while it is effective, he comes across as cartoonish. Some added subtlety would make him a much more interesting, believable character; non-PC characters can benefit from development too, even if you intend to use them as villains
Post 10
I feel like I’m starting to get a bead on Arianthe’s character now. She’s manipulative, competitive, and has an inferiority complex based on her past as a street rat and her middling natural talent. It took you a while to get into the story, it seems.
Post 13
As I began this post, I was ready to put Hruine in the same category as Darger – a simple, flat character, a pin set up to be knocked down by the main character. The end of the post hinted that there’s something more to him. Hope you follow through on that.
Post 14
This was the best post of the thread so far. This is the kind of material that helps the reader relate to a character. Well done.
Post 15
While I see what you were trying to do in this post, I felt like that was a lot of thoughts to be having while falling to one’s death. There’s a time to get expansive with feelings and the inner monologue. The last post was perfect because it happened during a lull in the action. In this one, you robbed the moment of tension by writing too much.
Post 18
I was hoping that Arianthe was going to ambush Hruine in the woods somewhere. Would have been a good way to emphasize her advantage over Hruine in the wilderness.
…and done!
Some final thoughts:
It felt as if you got into a groove with Arianthe as the thread went on. Her personality was terrific in the second half of the thread, whereas in the first half she generally just came across as vaguely envious and bitter.
I come back to what I said about Hruine in Post 13 – you gave me the hint that there was something more to him than a cold, ruthless villain, but then you didn’t follow through. That was a letdown. Perhaps that happens in a future thread, but keep in mind that a thread is its own self-contained story. It’s important to illustrate major secondary characters in the same way that you illustrate your main character.
As for the story itself, the structure was fairly typical: some exposition, introduction of characters, a quest, some action, some adversity for our main character, and eventually, triumph. Nothing unexpected ever happened. No twists. This was a fun story and I enjoyed it, but there wasn’t a lot here that struck me as especially memorable. You’re a good writer, though. Keep writing!