Plot

Setting is easily the strongest aspect of your writing. You do well to give me a consistent, clear mental of image of the world around you throughout the entire thread. On the other hand, pacing was a weakness. I felt that the story moved on very slowly until post 20, and then suddenly things start happening quickly – more happened in the last 20% of the thread than in the first 80%. The last post felt very rushed, as if you were ready to hit ‘submit’ already. Buraha was already introduced so late that he felt a bit like an afterthought; then, you wrote him out with a single line. I also would have appreciated a little more effort in the closure of the Phi-Sakura relationship. You introduced a lot of implicit backstory and tension between the two, but never used it for anything.


Character

Sakura was a highlight of the thread - the steadfast, honorable woman who becomes offended when the trust is not a two-way street. It was a shame that you left the end of their relationship at “Here’s some money. Deliver my baby and GTFO.” You gave yourself enough ammunition to make that a very powerful scene, but never used it.

I appreciate the fact that all your characters have clear motives that drive their actions. Specifically, I always appreciate an antagonist who has realistic, understandable motives for acting the way he does. While Buraha’s time in the thread was brief, he introduced a much-needed element of conflict and also served to bring Akashima to life as the representative of a populace who have had enough.


Prose

Good, clear storytelling. On the other hand, your mechanics could use a lot of cleaning up. You make a lot of spelling errors that make me think you were either rushing or just weren’t trying. You have occasional issues with sentence structure, both on the short side (with fragments) and the long side (with run-ons). At certain points you use fragments as a stylistic tool, and that’s fine with me; for example, from post 18: “A private beach. A private farm. A private world in which to bring a baby to life.” But at other points, it adds nothing to the thread, as in post 15: “Philomel shrugged. And offered no further information.” The second sentence is a fragment; to fix it, simply add it to the first sentence.