Towards The Bloody Harbour (closed to jdd)

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Judgment: Basic

Strengths


Storytelling

The story wasn’t without its faults, but I liked the idea. Sometimes, simple is best and this was a straightforward, fun piece that piqued my interest from the start. It explored a number of elements (pirate vs pirate hunter and treasure hunting, culminating in some traditional monster fighting) which made for a fun read.

Philomel, your strength here was how you played Philomel’s part in the story, ensuring that she stuck to her guns and tried a little subterfuge to win around Cain Jodin and his men. It offered something different, without being spectacular.

JDD, what I like about you is that you stick to what you know and try to get the best out of Cain. Maritime lore is your strength; you know the industry and apply it well to your writing, giving the reader a good insight into life on the ocean.

Technique

Philomel, the one thing I liked about your writing was your technique and how you introduced an entire spectrum of literary devices to give the reader a picture of your story. You marry vivid description with easy to understand terminology that brought scenes to life and made your posts very easy on the eye. Even describing a simple action (“Clomping over the wooden planks on two fine hooves came a tall and graceful faun”) gave character and colour to Philomel.

JDD, I have seen a lot of improvement from you. Not only this, but you have managed this consistently over not just this thread but many others, showing your adaptability to various plots and themes. I’ve always found a nautical theme difficult to adapt to, due to its sometimes limited scope for setting, but you take to it very well and use the terminology at your disposal to paint a good picture of what is going on. You are also starting to bring some lovely visualisation into your writing and this is absolutely the thing to do to enhance your reader's experience of the thread, so well done.

Clarity

One of both of your strong areas is your ability to make things clear. Rarely do I read your work and wonder what is going on and why, and this strength is another ever present in this thread. Philomel, again, this stems mostly from your excellent command of prose and your specific technique, so where one is strong it is typically because the other is too. JDD, your clarity is down to more of a matter of fact approach with your technique, which can be a double edged sword (as we’ll cover shortly)


Weaknesses


Pacing

I almost labelled this “commitment” because one accusation I am going to level at you both on this is the lack of commitment towards the end of the thread. I felt as if you were rushing through the story from posts sixteen onwards, and I felt that the fight with the monster was a bit of an anticlimax because of this. I am not sure whether the thread was planned or written on the hoof, but it felt like there was a lack of consistency that made everything feel a little rushed. This detracted from the enjoyment a little.

Mechanics

JDD, though I have seen a lot of improvement with you, there are some problems I feel you have perhaps not shaken off. Punctuation and grammar, though vastly improved upon earlier efforts here and on Althanas 3.1, are still sometimes lacking fundamentals. A quick spell check can eliminate most of these problems, though, so I would advise running your posts through a spellchecker before nailing them down on a thread.

Philomel, your biggest flaw in this category was perhaps repetition. It sounds very nitpicky, and it probably is due to the quality of your writing, but seeing "mighty" and "mightiest" along with "beast" repeated within a couple of words looked odd and disjointed. There were one or two other examples of this throughout the thread. I realise this is a minor issue but, like I said, I am nitpicking a bit.

Conclusion

As with the pacing, I felt a bit let down by the conclusion. I always want the final posts to be something you can leave me with to make me want to read more, and on this occasion the final posts from both of you seemed abrupt, serving to highlight the issues I underlined in pacing above. JDD, you finished without really giving me anything to cling onto, instead choosing to narrate the beast's actions rather than give me either a definitive conclusion or a cliffhanger for Cain. I really wanted to know how Cain felt, what he could see and what he could feel in his last post.

Philomel, you gave me a cliffhanger but I felt the battle with the beast was too short and I was hoping to see something more of the treasure room you had both found; perhaps how Philomel felt when she happened upon all that gold. Wonderment? Excitement? Fear? I really wanted to know what the faun was feeling right at the end.


Judge's remarks

The weaknesses may seem a little scathing upon first read, but it is important for you both to know that I know how good you guys can be. Philomel, your writing speaks for itself so I know that many of the criticisms in here will be null and void come your next thread. JDD, your improvement is something to be proud of and I respect how you hunger for meaningful feedback, so I hope I have helped you here. Now you perhaps just need to kick it up a gear. If you take on board the strengths and weaknesses here, you'll go far. Thank you both for letting me judge this thread!

Rewards

All rewards are inclusive of the October festival 1.5x bonus, and JDD earns an extra 10% for improvement on previous judgments!

Philomel receives 2520 EXP and 180 GP!

JDD receives 1935 EXP and 165 GP!