Osiris Open Final: Revenant Vs Storm

[Philomel]

Osiris Open 2017 Final

Storm Veritas vs Revenant
Judged using the Osiris Open Rubric


Storm Veritas:

Combat: 19/30

Strategy: 7/10

The first drawing of blood and offering it as a general sacrifice was a clever tactic, and one that was interesting and unexpected (post 6). It showed good resourcefullness as well, of the situation, but is included here as it is involved in overall strategy. Also you had some good internal thoughts about how to best the arena, though never got to fully realising them at all. More detail here perhaps would have been helpful, as well as hints to possibly privately strategising with William to escape.

Resourcefulness: 6/10

Ability wise, the main one of Storm's you used was the hovering, and this did not do much, although you do mention this fact in some way. When reading it you concentrated much on what the arena was, adding extra details, such as the pillar and mention of a roof. This was strong and resourceful, though unexpected. Unlike William you seem to not mention the Arches much and I would have liked to see more of this. The electric bolt at the end was exciting and interesting, and a good show of instinct.

Execution: 6/10

There were no shots hit towards one another, but you had Storm react in a strong way to Death riding in. This was good, you had him react well and attack. There was some realism to his reactions, and realism to the understanding of how powerful William was. I would have perhaps liked to have seen more testing of the arena and of Storm.

Character: 22/30

Communication: 7/10

Communication shows a casual, but pissed off character, with “Well, well, Am’aleh be damned! William, correct?” in post four and references to betting, making a pun about the Horsemen of the Arches. It gives a light, sarky attitude, but one that is also lined with seriousness, and fits the black humour of the situation well. You also continue with this way of speaking, showing good consistency. At times it is a lttle to casual and distracts from the overall dreadful feeling of the situation, however, so this might be something to look at in future.

Action: 7/10

Minor actions, such as the raising of the hands and the playful twisting of his weapon in his hands, show good habits and details of your character. Human qualities such as the beading of sweat make him more believable. I would have perhaps liked to have seen more decisive actions earlier on, however, and an idea of his planning, such as looking around and assessing his situation a little more, as William has, but what you have is good.

Persona: 8/10

You have a strong sense of the inner person from the start. You show Storm's thoughts and attitude to the situation well, with internal thoughts such as -

“Of f*cking COURSE they brought you a dance partner… all these pious assholes enjoy watching the real talent work.”

from post 4. Also in that post you give an internal dialogue, showing us Storm's breakdown of Shinsou and the situation, which works well to show your character's personality. You also clearly have him portray his fear at the power of William, showing that despite his power, he knows there are others more powerful. I would have perhaps liked to see more feelings and reactions internally, which William plays upon more.

Prose: 22/30

Mechanics: 8/10

As far as mechanics go there were no obvious spelling mistakes or errors. Overall it is a clean, well written piece in terms of technicality. Your use of punctuation such as semi colons in post 2 shows your skill as a writer. From here I would encourage more use of more unusual punctuation, experimenting with paragraphing and similar kind.

Clarity: 6/10

Clarity is good in this thread for you, writing in a generous manner that explains the situation well to the reader and the actions that Storm is taking. There is some clarity issues over whether or not the arena has a roof, and others setting wise, but what is there in basics is very well done.

Technique: 8/10

Technique is a strong point for you, with use of imagery and similie. One such example can be found in post 2: “The sound of his metal heels against the stone ground echoed like little gunshots here in the aria ...” You also have a powerful word choice that echoes some of the thoughts of your character well into the prose. From here you can develop, experiementing more and using a wider variety of linguistic measures, such as richer language.

Wildcard: 6/10

Wildcard for yourself goes to the introduction and use of the prompt to write an intriguing backstory filled with plot. It certainly brought in fresh ideas from the first post, yet still stuck to it in a whole. Adding in the idea of sacrifice fitted with the theme of the Horsemen well.

Final Score: 69/100


Revanant:

Combat: 21/30

Strategy: 8/10

Strategy is clever in the way that you have William wait to completely understand what the chanting is doing, and trying to think outside of the box. William is straight forwards and does little to hide what his plans are, though only he knows about the link he has with Famine. Overall strategy was done well, with a good build up and mentions of Death, and you linked with Storm's introduction nicely.

Resourcefulness: 7/10

You had an elaborate use of the Arches, using them to your effect and testing/in a unique and unexpected way. Though the piece was not finished you built up to it by hinting at Death all the way through. There was perhaps something missing as you only really mention the arches, and have some interesting abilities that could have made some more drama. However, what was written was strong.

Execution: 6/10

Execution in terms of taking and receiving blows never got fully realised in this battle, but what was done was good. One could say that you had your character react to the situation in an interesting manner, as well as the chanting and understanding of the monks. Perhaps more reactions to the Arches would have been good, even a suggestion to battling the will of them a little more.

Character: 22/30

Communication: 8/10

Communication from William is very straight forward and sometimes blunt, but also lined with meaning and excellence. In post 5 you have him say, “though truth be told I couldn’t care less about the Jhagati or their superstitious beliefs. I’m here hunting bigger game,” hinting at what his plans are cleverly. You use communication here as a tool for suggesting the wider plot, and also show that William's intelligence. You do not shy away from speech but use it well, although one might think he is confessing his plans a little too much and there is some changes in his tone that does not quite suit.

Action: 7/10

Action done by William is strong and decisive, written well and direct. I would have liked to perhaps seen some more habitual motions, such as Storm's, where he has him 'raise his arms' etc, that would hint a little more at William's personality. His actions, however, do always have a purpose and this is good for development.

Persona: 7/10

A lot of what you write is William's internal mind working and although compared to Storm you write little actual internal dialogue, you protray feelings and ideas of your character. These show a strength of how much you yourself know him, which is very good to see. You hint at some deductive reasoning such as, “Definitely some sort of ritualistic thing, he decided.” in post 5, and although it would have been intriguing to see if he thinks the same way as he talks, you have a good solid idea of the man you have created.

Prose: 20/30

Mechanics: 6/10

There were a couple of minor mechanical issues, including the mistake of some punctuation. For instance in post 3 you place, “waiting out the piled snows, While there, the monks” where there should be a full stop ('.') or other sentence-ending punctuation between 'snows' and 'While.' Aside from this mechanics is strong in general and a small read through before posting will help.

Clarity: 6/10

Most of what you wrote was clear, concise and demonstrated excellent writing skill. You commnuicate well with your other writer and manage to portray feelings and reactions to them in a clear manner. Sometimes there can be some confusion as to what William is exactly doing (e.g. when using his essence of Famine to trick the Horseway at that Archway into thinking it was already present), and compared to Storm this is a small weakness in your writing. Also in your first post that you put down the paragraphing is a little unclear. Try indenting or giving double lines. All of this can be improved on however, and you have a very brilliant base on which to expand from.

Technique: 8/10

Similar to Storm you have a wonderful use of technique, displaying strong literary skill. You show some interesting juxapositions - “feral amusement” in post 5 - and some excellent word choice esepcially when describing your War Form, with a constant image of sizzling flesh and so on. Ways to go on from here is to think about what scents and tastes could be in the air when you write William in his War Form and consider more metaphors.

Wildcard: 7/10

Widlcard for you goes to the extra plot of William wanting to conquer Death, and his literal way of going about this, as well as his musings of how one does so. It was a shame this battle never finished for I would have liked to see the battle for this.

Final Score: 70/100

Joint comments:

This was a really close match, just to say first of all. Both of you were winning in different elements. It comes down to Wildcard in a way, but also to other elements. If I could have both of you win I would.

In terms of Resourcefullness I would have liked to see more use of the gap in the floor of the field of the arena, leading to the foundations of the structure itself. This was something both of you used little, and it would have been interesting to see how the battle may have gone in there.

In general it was a shame this battle never finished. You built up an impressive fight, using the prompt in a way I never expected. I would have liked to see the end of it.

Revanant wins!!!

Rewards:

Revenant receives:
675 EXP
60 gold
PLUS: 2500 gold from my account, and 190 gold forfeited from previous losers
Total - 2750 gold


Storm Veritas receives:
935 EXP
60 gold
PLUS: 1250 gold from my account
Total - 1310 gold