Workshop: Ripples in the Sea

[Storm Veritas]

Name of Completed Thread: Ripples in the Sea
Name of Authors: Breaker, Shinsou, Philomel
Type of Thread: Monster Hunt
Thread Length: 11 Posts
Feedback Rewards: (Post Length of Thread/10) * ((EXP Needed to Level)*0.05) EXP
Date Closed: January 20, 2018


Critique Guidelines:

1.) Standard rules for etiquette apply. No spamming or off-topic posts, no personal attacks or trolling. Focus on critiquing the thread, not the writer. Use constructive criticism and try to speak in terms of "strengths" and "weaknesses". For example: "Your story was strong, but the action seemed a little weak. Try using more adverbs to describe actions or use a thesaurus to spice up your word choice."

2.) Likewise, those who have asked for a workshop should take criticism gracefully. Use it to better yourself. These are not intended to offend or belittle, only show you opportunities to grow.

3.) If at any point you notice improper conduct, contact an administrator immediately. Bullying of any kind will not be tolerated. Arguing will also be regulated heavily. Polite, constructive debate is permitted within reason.

4.) In order to receive EXP & GP for your feedback(see Workshop Guide), a critique must be helpful, elaborate, and considerate. It is suggested that the review be at least 3 paragraphs and focus on strengths, weaknesses, and overall content. You may use the Althanas Rubric as a guide.

5.)Those that leave an exceptionally detailed review with plenty of constructive advice may be eligible for double rewards. This will be up to the posting judge's discretion. The authors of the thread may request the additional reward be given if they found a review to be particularly helpful. The request must still be approved.

[Breaker]

Because no one has posted commentary yet this workshop will be extended until January 20th 2018.

[Ebivoulya]

You all are experienced enough that I will focus mainly on criticisms and areas for improvement. As always, these are simply my opinions, and I hope some of them will prove useful.


Story:


The pacing and set-up of the first post were overall excellent. We got just enough of an insight into the fisherman's life and relationships to have a least a passing investment, and the reveal was dramatic enough to catch my attention.

I wasn't really sure why the village magistrate sent word to the capitol city of the missing ship however, as any message sent after they left would fail to arrive in time to detain them. Also, the way you described the village, with a school and everything, makes it seem like there are a lot of families, which makes it even more odd that some of their husbands might've decided to abandon them to go smuggling. It didn't seem like things were that bad in the village.

The second post explained the aftermath of the intro well. Shin's personality added some decent humor to relieve the darker start, and set up the impending adventure vibe. The third post was also well done, though I was disappointed the two sailors Rae and Huna never played any further part; a fair bit of attention was drawn to them, even if they were mostly expository vessels. I also got less of a sense of Phi's personality early on than I would've liked; I mainly just learned of her accomplishments and relationships.

The fourth post introduced Josh well, and left questions about his connections to a Thayne that were regrettably never explained. The ending line was suitably foreboding, but it felt like the situational awareness was lacking. This could be due to Josh being lost in thought, but there was noticeably less description in this post, and the quick, nondescript row to shore was abrupt.

Up until this point, I think everything has been pretty well done. From Venex's name in the ooc tag at the top, I can only assume the original plan fell through. I know how tough it can be to roll with a loss, but it had a noticeable affect on the remainder of the thread. Along with a general sense of the plot being rushed, there are several instances of exceptional convenience that stretch credulity.

Firstly, it seems awfully convenient that someone happened to be close enough to hear the dying words of a man who was literally cut in half, but didn't see the monster himself. I think people tend to bleed out pretty quickly when they're cut in half. It stretches credulity even more that the man apparently stayed alive long enough to describe the runes in such detail that Shin would call them a 'carbon copy' of other runes.

The sixth post was pretty jarring, what with the sudden dragon. It wasn't that it appeared so suddenly, but that Shin's question at the end of the previous post was completely ignored. I thought I missed a post at first. Also, the wording caused much confusion, as the dragon is first referred to as 'he.' I thought it was describing Shin, since he was the last subject.

With no mention of Phi summoning him, or the dragon even being present before, it was completely out of left field, and then the pacing picks up considerably. There's no further discussion about Shin's request, or a reply from either of them, they just bound off into the sunset on the back of a dragon like it's the wild west. Also, there's the question of the horses. If a thirty-foot dragon were 'leaping as far as his four great legs would carry him.' I highly doubt horses would be able to keep up, and if he's going at the pace of regular horses (which came out of nowhere, apparently), then what exactly is the point of riding the dragon?

I admit the cheesiness of riding a dragon across the plains was enjoyable, but it was far too jarring of a transition. It feels like a set-piece for the sake of dragon, and the pacing jump was my first indicator of that 'rushed plot' I mentioned earlier. After several paragraphs devoted to dragon, we make the entire run to wherever they went in the space of a few sentences, with no mention made of the time passed.

The next post slowed down again at first as they discussed the situation with a very nonplussed Petyr, given the news, and I found it very odd that the description of the runes on the beast made its way to Shin before the capitol city of the island. The description was lacking a bit in this one. We see nothing of the city itself, and many of the people involved made do with barely an adjective to their names. After that, another pacing jump takes us directly to the library, and then hits a wall of description in the eighth post.

After the scene of Breaker asking if anyone could read the ancient language, and receiving no response, it seems odd that Shin wanders into a side room and finds just the right book, which he can conveniently read. A simple mention of some more time passing, and Shin looking through several books first before finding the right one, would help this scene feel less contrived, but either way this plot seems stuck on fast-forward after the comparatively slow intros. Also, since no new information is mentioned after that first description of the drawing of Safikma, I have to wonder why Shin kept reading so long, especially when Josh could have read it much faster. That information seems pretty important, and they don't know when the beast could devour another town.

Phi's motivation is finally made clear in the next post, as well as that of Veridian. This motherly instinct is the first insight we've had into Phi that didn't involve her status, or relationships to other people. I find it pretty funny that Shin plans to kill a monster large enough to swallow an entire town with literally a dagger, without any explanation of the weapon other than 'it's real hard.'

Petyr's mention of waiting 'till morning was the first time the length of time they've apparently been in the library was made clear, and given how fast the trip to Scara Brae felt, it seems kind of surprising to find that at least twelve hours have passed, since this thread started in the day-time. It is also casually mentioned that Breaker is a demi-god in this post, but that's the only bit of insight we're given into his relationship with Am'aleh this thread, sadly.

The quiet 'I know.' at the end of the post is a pretty good mood-setter, but it's the first time so far that this mood has been set. Despite all this talk of eating the world, none of these people seem particularly worried about it; not even Petyr, a normal dude. It's hard to get invested given the breakneck pace of this thread. This post had smooth pacing and a good ending though, but again a lack of description.

It's really convenient that they didn't have to wait for any amount of time for Safikma to show up again. There's absolutely no sense of scope here. No mention of far-reaching consequences, or arduous processes, just things popping up as they're needed for the three protagonists to sprint towards the goal.

I don't see why Shin would stop Phi from trying to reason with Safikma. Stop her from trying to protect it, sure, but there's no harm in at least trying to reason with it, barring unusual circumstances. Also, I don't buy Shin's 'fear is a given' line, considering they already killed its Thayne papa, and apparently didn't see the need to organize any kind of military response to assist them; just a map-marker and a portal. Why, as well, is Petyr going? He's just an advisor to the queen, and is never mentioned as a warrior.

The final post ramped up the drama to a surprising degree, which didn't exactly feel earned after so short a thread, with so little investment built. You can't just make up a town name, give us about two minutes with it, and expect us to care when it disappears. It was kind of like someone giving a William Wallace speech to encourage people who are waiting in line at wal-mart. Shin's cry to not forget Caedron made me realize that I had forgotten Caedron. There were no long-term repercussions, no character seemed to experience any kind of real distress over the loss of the city, except perhaps a passing mention.

There is basically no tension in this story at all, and zero conflict. Safikma is called a 'world-eater,' but we've seen pretty much nothing of his destruction. We heard about one guy cut in half, and saw a big hole in a coastline. Nothing the reader grew to be invested in was harmed, or even put at stake. A basically nameless town disappeared, and one mildly interesting fisherman met a grisly end. Given how deferrant the local government are to a mercenary group, and the lack of any signs of panic or discord that might follow an entire town disappearing, this feels more like a monster hunt for funsies than a world-shattering event.

Not to mention the simple lack of time the reader has had to get invested in anyone in this thread. We went from four posts of people meeting up, to two posts of traveling to a city, to four posts of talking about a book, to one post of 'climactic battle set-up.' If you had actually included the battle I may have enjoyed the thread more, but as it stands this thread is far too short, and lacking any real investment. If we had been given more time in Caedron, this could've been alleviated, or perhaps seen some of the consequences; crying family, panicking public, etc.

I know that Shin tried to save things with his last two posts, but it was too little too late. Unfortunate when plans fall through. I'm sure you knew the thread had some problems when you submitted it. I hope I didn't come off too harshly, I can't blame you for trying to finish enough of it to get some kind of reward for your time spent. Hopefully some of my following feedback will prove useful in the future, at least.


Setting:


Breaker:


I think you struck the balance best with description and pacing in your first post, though the monster reveal could've been a bit stronger. I also noticed a general lack of non-visual descriptions that could help sharpen up some of that imagery. The description of the monster after the fisherman dropped his pole had basic verbs, just listing traits that 'it had.' Though the descriptions themselves were good, with such weak verbs it still seemed like filling out an itemized list instead of leading the reader's eye.

Saying that Phi's dragon 'dove back into the earth' was a rather unceremonious way of describing something thirty feet in length burrowing into soil, as well. It wasn't clear if it simply merged with the soil, but if it did indeed dig, one would expect some mention of the spectacle of it.

That lack of description carried on into your later posts. Though you provided occasional details about people, much of the environments Josh traversed were pretty barren, especially the city. I think we had all of two sentences to get to the library from the city gates. It's true that the city wasn't exactly the point, but it added to the rushed feeling of the thread.


Shin:


Your first couple of posts were pretty light on the description, but what was there was good, and fit your style. You have a habit of falling into a 'set it and forget it' mindset with setting though, a common pitfall. It really helps the immersion and pacing to spread descriptions throughout the entire post, in my opinion; especially pacing. There were several points where fast-paced dialogue ran into a dense paragraph of description, and then back into fast-paced dialogue. While I would primarily recommend 'checking in' with the setting every so often, and sprinkling description into dialogue to keep the pace even, it also wouldn't hurt to keep the first few sentences of a descriptive paragraph thinner and shorter, to ease the reader back into the slower pace.

Speaking of slower pace, your description of the library slowed things down considerably. They were good, if a bit over the top, and tertiary. I enjoyed the book-title introduction, but I had to wonder if they had moved on to another room, since it was previously described as enough books to equal 'half of a small library, but now there are 'thousands.' The almost excessive description of the library at the start of this post is essentially a wall that the fast pace of the previous two runs into, and this happens again to a lesser extent with your last post. Considering the pacing of the previous posts can go a long way toward making a thread feel like a cohesive story.


Phi:


You also seem to have fallen into the 'set it and forget it' mindset that most people have trouble avoiding. After a bit of description at the start of your intro, there was not much but dialogue and narration afterward. I think it is not always in the best interests of immersion, or pacing, to have conversations flow as quickly as they would in the real world, since those words are all our senses are constrained to. While speaking normally, people are taking in the sights, smells, etc. along with the words, so to not describe those at least occasionally during dialogue makes it like listening in on a telephone conversation.

This changed when the dragon showed up of course, and I did enjoy the imagery of that scene. You seem to like the 'disjointed list' method of describing things, with both Delath at the start of post six, and Safikma. It's a very 'spoken word' technique, but I think it can fail to capture the scope of things some times, not to mention the bullet points are usually sentence fragments. I think the addition of some strong verbs could really help form a more cohesive mental image, leading the reader's eye across the whole instead of jumping from one trait to another.


Pacing:

I've already covered my thoughts on the overall pacing of the thread, but I have a few more specific notes.


Breaker:


You manage to keep your pacing pretty smooth through all of your posts, and adjust it to match the posts before you. This helped smooth out the thread, and none of your posts were ever jarring, so well done here. The only specifics I can think of, other than the quick trip through the city, was the arrival ashore in your second post. Because there was no acknowledgement of time passing before Breaker's thought that Shin might have some answers, it felt like that boat rowed ashore in the twenty seconds it took to read those few paragraphs, which was a bit abrupt. This is exacerbated by then describing how difficult it was to find a place to come ashore, after the fact. That was really about it, though; this category is definitely one of your strengths.


Shin:


I mentioned most of my thoughts on your pacing already. Though your later posts are speed-bumps in the over-all pacing, on their own their pacing is actually smoother than the first two. Thin out the density of those descriptions a bit, and I think you'll have a good balance.


Phi:


I've also covered most of my thoughts on your pacing previously, but it also wouldn't hurt to be a bit more ruthless in editing. The intricate description of the two seals in your intro, for example, and by extension the process that brought the letter to her hands, was kind of tertiary. It just dragged a bit without adding much, and would have only helped the pacing had it been cut. Chekhov's gun comes to mind, a film principle that insists one should only add props to the background of the set if they're going to be used in some way. I think this is a good principle to keep in mind, with npcs like Rae as well. You also occasionally throw dense paragraphs into the middle of dialogue, and that can make the pacing feel uneven. Lastly, be careful with travel times. Trivialize them too much and it's basically a teleport with scenery and an abrupt pacing hike.


Communication:

I don't have much to say here, most of the dialogue was good. Couple notes, though.


Breaker:


“There is no safe port, I suspect what we see are the remains of the docks.” Philomel observed" - It was a bit odd that she basically repeated what Breaker said, without acknowledging her agreement with a nod, or an 'Indeed.'


Shin:


Somehow, I don't think it was necessary to explain what Shin meant by 'precision' in your opening. Anyone looking at a port-town cleanly cut out of solid rock would probably know exactly what he meant. Shin himself says as much later, with this line - "But we came to the conclusion that it couldn't have been a natural event. You just have to look at the shape of the hole to see that."


Action:

Also not much to say here, since there wasn't any action.


Persona:


Breaker:


I enjoyed your portrayal of the fisherman, what little time we had with him. The second paragraph set up his relationships and mindset well. Josh I didn't really get as much of a read on, though. His connection to Am'aleh was mentioned multiple times, but never clarified, and none of the situations he was in, nor his reactions to them, provided much insight into his character. There was enough nuance that he didn't feel flat, but I didn't get to know him either.


Shin:


Shin's personality shines the strongest in your intro, I think. The rest of the time you seemed to be focused on plot, and so after that, I didn't really get much information on him. Because of that, and my short time with him, I didn't really grow attached or invested. There weren't ever any situations that provided him an opportunity to show the various sides of himself, other than his sarcasm, and reluctant hero traits.

I don't know if Shin looking at his new outfit at the end was supposed to be meaningful, but given this is the first time his father is even mentioned in this thread, it's not exactly moving. I don't see why Shin bothered bringing the armor he tailored after his father, though, if he just took it off to turn into Mr. Freeze as soon as he gets there. Some of it even got torn up. While it's true that you could've manipulated situations to allow him to reveal more about himself through his reactions, either way there wasn't really enough time in this thread to garner more than a passing investment.


Phi:


I didn't really learn much of Phi in this thread either, but probably more of her than anyone else. At first I only really learned about the people around her, but I did finally start to see more of her later. There were a few hiccups however. Her 'motherly instinct' disappeared pretty quick in your third post. All Shin said was they may be responsible, and already the possibility is 'flying away on a wind of lost dreams.' You use it again later, but it seemed an odd inconsistency. Also, for someone with a motherly instinct towards it, it seemed odd to call Safikma a 'monster.' I probably became more invested in Phi than anyone else in this thread, mainly because her motivation made sense, and gave some insight into her personality. Can't ask for much more in such a short thread. Though you can also craft some nice imagery, with your fondness for npcs, I imagine this is one of your stronger categories. Still disappointed Rae and Huna didn't show back up, though.


Mechanics:

Now for my favorite category, where I get to be nitpicky about grammar. The main issue that I see is the prolific use of incomplete sentences. This is a bit of a pet peeve, so there may be some sass incoming. Shin is less guilty of this, but there were quite a few throughout this thread. This is one of those situations where it boils down to personal preference, at least according to the modern consensus. It's still incorrect, and you should feel dirty for using them, but I'm not supposed to say that. Often the same effect can be achieved with ease without relying on incomplete sentences, however. I will include several examples.

"This beast had swallowed them all up.The" - Missing space in post one.

"Not for salvation," - End of post one. This sentence is incomplete for the same reason that those sentences beginning with 'And' are incomplete. I know it's the 'hip' thing to do these days, but this is literally why semi-colons even exist.

-------

"But where?" - Second post. Incomplete, obviously, but it could've easily been a thought instead.

First post. I'm sure you're aware that 'Maybe.' is an incomplete sentence. I'd just like to point out, you could've made it a thought with italics and it'd work just the same.

-------

"The cavernous mouth filled with razor sharp teeth" - Second post. This sentence is incomplete; all these subjects need at least one verb.

"Sitting back down at the table without saying a world," - Typo.

"shocking, attention grabbing, but not entirely pleasant." - 'But' usually indicates the following will be different from the preceding; I believe an 'and' would fit better there.

-------

"Article by article, Shinsou ay the clothing down on the bed." - Third post. Typo.

"pummelled the cliffs on which the triumvate" - Typo.

"the great wooden glory was carving it way" - First post. Missing 's.

"A full wind, the proud figurehead of the rearing fox declaring its presence for all to see." - This sentence is incomplete. 'Wind' is the subject, and it has no verb.

"And still, the letter clutched in her hand. Her hand, the faun's hand." - Several incomplete sentences there. Could be made complete without breaking the rhythm by changing 'And' to 'Yet,' and putting a semi-colon between the two 'her hand's. Also, 'the letter clutched' is an odd subject/verb combo; I assume there was supposed to be a 'was' between them.

"The letter that had set her into such a flurry" - Being that 'letter' is the subject, there is no verb.

"Like all the sailors on the Feisty Fox" - You used the set up for the comparison, but used the conjunction 'and' instead. It is usually 'Like this, but unlike that,' by the nature of like/unlike. 'And' implies they should be grouped together, when they are supposed to be opposites.

"Her companion, who took up the strain of the rope behind her whispered back" - Without the comma after 'behind her' to denote the end of the clause, it sounds like 'whispered' is an adjective of 'back,' rather than a verb.

"the unamused expression of the faun Matriarch, their Matriarch" - Seems a bit redundant. Also, a lot of 'ands' without commas in this sentence makes it sound rambly.

"A look of discomfort at the corner of her mouth" - This sentence is technically incomplete. The subject 'look' needs a verb.

-------

"Mighty, powerful, majestic, robust." - Second post. Another incomplete sentence that could be made complete with a semi-colon. It's like a free fragment, just tack it onto any actually complete sentence, front or back, and you can fragment all you want.

"The horses beside him was a distraction, and them shied a couple of times" - Typo.

"It was if they chased it" - The only 'it' this could be referring to was the grass and rain in the previous sentence, but that doesn't make much sense. Keep in mind, 'it' as an implied subject always represents the subject of the previous sentence. Also, I think you meant 'as if.'

Clarity:


Breaker:


I don't have many notes for you here, you tend to be pretty consistent. I did find it odd the fishing line 'twitched to and fro' in the intro, when it was apparently empty. It also seemed odd to describe the waves the fisherman dropped his rod into as 'white-capped,' as that normally implies a more violent surface, which would make fishing on a jetty difficult. In your second post, the lack of a comma after 'sea' in the following sentence led me to have to reread it: "As Breaker climbed fluidly from the sea the water soaking his clothing and hair simply stayed behind." That's about it, though; clean as usual


Shin:


There were a few points where you contradicted previously established aspects of the setting; later on in the library, which I've mentioned, but also in your intro. Referring to Caedron as 'a haven for pirates and outlaws,' while it does explain why the village magistrate would assume the missing sailors had taken to smuggling, doesn't sound like the same village described in the previous post, one which sports a school, and dottering old codgers. Stating that 'they would not have been able to survey the carnage before' also contradicts Breaker's description of viewing the giant bite-mark as they rowed up in the previous post.

Though minor, it was amusing that Shin imagined the debris of Caeron might include 'a few stone bricks,' floating on top of the water. It seems odd to describe 'the sound of boots on long grasses' as 'ringing' in someone's ear, as that is usually reserved for harsher, louder sounds. Also seemed odd to include a sensation in his gut as one of the 'unthreatening cadences,' as those exclusively describe rhythms. Shin's sarcastic line after lamenting the Brotherhood's newfound reputation as a 'detective agency' was pretty funny, but I wasn't sure if it was thought or out-loud, since it was both italicized, and in quotes. In the final post, despite starting with the 'brilliant orange' description, you go on to call the sky 'blood red.' I also have a few that required quotes for context:

"Anything that could cause this type of destruction may well have been better just leaving well alone." - First post. While I get what you mean, this is a very confusingly worded sentence.

"There would be no cheers, or rallying cries" - Last post. Literally followed by Shin giving a rallying cry a few paragraphs later. I understood it, it was just a funny contradiction.

"Finally, there seemed to be a pair of gloves" - Were the gloves translucent? Seems like a man ought to be pretty certain about whether or not there are gloves in front of him.


Phi:


Not naming the two crew members talking about 'Vaeron' made it difficult to imagine that conversation, especially because neither of them were described either. You denote one as 'the first sailor' once, but that's it. Granted, it was just a set-up for the 'caught gossiping by the subject' trope, but it was notable none-the-less. The rest of these require quotes for context.

"It had come as an initial call, a cry on the wild murmurings of the seagulls and banter of the lively harbor." - I assume that was 'initial.' Given that a 'cry' is a type of vocalization, it did sound a bit odd to say 'a cry on the murmurings and banter,' which are also vocalizations.

"Philomel twisted around to aim for the stairs that led to the prow of the ship, and there in the figurehead." - Not entirely sure what the last part means, unless you meant 'and therein'. It sounds like the sentence cuts off, like 'there in the figurehead something happens.'

"The two women hid smiles. "What?" - It's not clear who is speaking here. I assume Philomel. You tread this line awfully close sometimes, but you do mention/describe speakers often enough that I'm never actually lost. Still, it's probably safer to mention speakers a bit more often, as not everyone will agree on how clear it is.

"The sun was heavy in the sky, and warning a sinking" - Second post. The last part is fairly oddly worded. I assume you meant 'warning of sinking.'

"silently cantering over the plains" - I don't see people on dragon-back doing anything 'silently.'


Technique:


Breaker:


I don't have much else to add on this category, your style is always clean and consistent, with a welcome focus on pacing and density balance. The only thing lacking really is some flair. You balance all the aspects of your style so well that none of them really stand out to define it. While this works excellently in multi-person threads to add cohesion, it also makes your contributions less memorable than people with more specialist styles. I don't really know what direction I might recommend taking to alleviate that, but I'm sure a little experimentation couldn't hurt.


Shin:


You showed a decent range of style in this thread, from the more restrained and narrative-heavy intro, to the last two posts filled with description. As I mentioned before, I think the focus on description in the last two posts helped even out the pacing of dialogue sections, and I think somewhere just a bit less dense would be a good balance for your style. Personality is a strong point of it, and it comes across in the narration nicely. You also use space well, as seen at the end of your intro post.

While I liked your introduction, I think making it clear we were in Shin's head from the start, with 'as Shinsou recalled,' was a bit unnecessary, since you introduce him in more dramatic fashion, and with his full name, in the next paragraph. You also occasionally lapse into weaker verbs like 'looked like' and 'seemed,' but you avoid them for the most part. There were a few points where you were a bit on the nose.

In your second post you outright stated something was ironic, and went on to explain why. This was pretty tell-ish, of course. Later on you also mentioned 'continuing his internal monologue,' just before continuing his internal monologue, which had a humorous redundancy. Mainly, just manage that pacing, and try to keep the density consistent, and you should be good. Also, keep in mind that a thread can only be as good as its story, no matter how much flair you add onto it. I know you know this, but building reader investment takes time, and insight into the characters and places involved; vulnerability and understanding.


Phi:


Your style was a bit less descriptive in this thread, but still had some good imagery. It was a bit odd how long you held out on using Phi's name in your intro, though. You were already narrating from within her head. While I do like that you are judicious with pronoun use, I expected more of a dramatic reveal of Philomel's name, since you held off on saying it for so long, but it was just tossed in nonchalantly. It makes the tones contradict a bit, mysterious as we learn about her before knowing her name, and intimate as the subject of the reader's view. There was also a fair bit of passive voice in the opening. Nothing wrong with it, it just usually signals a missed opportunity to use stronger verbage. Most actions are more interesting if we get to see them happen, instead of hearing they already had happened. Several later sections could also benefit from stronger verbs.

Mainly, I'd say pacing is your biggest concern. Your style can be very descriptive, or very quick, but it fluctuates between them a bit too frequently, in my opinion. Trying to maintain a consistent level of density and detail would alleviate your pacing issues. Other than that, your style is as solid as its been for years. I know this story wasn't exactly the best stage on which to showcase it, but hopefully a few of my comments have been informative.




All in all, it was well written, but with a short and generic story. As I said, I assume it was a salvage job, so I'm not surprised it had some shortcomings. Hopefully some of my feedback was helpful. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a pm.

[Breaker]

This workshop is now closed, pending rewards. Big thanks to Ebivoulya for his contribution.

[Breaker]

Ebivoulya gains 660 EXP, 44 GP, and 5 AP.

Workshop archived.