Junior Member
EXP: 210, Level: 1
Level completed: 11%,
EXP required for next Level: 1,790
Ok, so I'm going to try to get back into this a little bit, see if I can't kind of sort of find my way back into doing this kind of help again.
First off, good to see the both of you back in form, that's the most important thing. The break you took during this thread might have skewed your numbers from the beginning to the end, so please keep this in mind as you continue to read.
First, your story. It's about as cute as I could have imagined it. These two don't seem to have any inkling of the depth of their liking toward each other, above and beyond their work relationship in the Tarot, and this works out in the writers' favors. You guys play on that chemistry and the confusing feelings they cause through a majority of the thread. It's even evident in the hidden delight Vince takes in saying that he and Rayleigh are “married†for the sake of the mission.
On the other hand, your crossed writing (whether one person controlling both characters in each post or both of you writing your separate parts for the posts) does leave the slightest bit of confusion. It doesn't always flow perfectly the way that the both of you seem to want it to, especially when you start a post on the ending of a previous post. To the reader that kind off repetition is kind of off putting, because it's the line they just read before popping into the next post. I'd... not do that, if it were me. Just a suggestion.
Finally, toward the end, where the two of you are going to head to Earth... this thread very much cut short there at the cave of crystals. The twist was well done. Honestly, the way you played it up with the city itself having all of these things that Earth has was brilliant, even if I didn't see the twist coming myself. Right now I have my guesses about this place and its connection to Vincent's own home world, but I'm going to keep that under my hat for now.
In the meantime, I suggest mainly that the two of you continue to work on your tandem writing. It's hard having two writers come off as though they have the same voice in a narrative, but you guys did an admirable job of it at least in this thread.