Entanglement

[Shinsou Vaan Osiris]

Let me start by thanking you both for submitting this for a full rubric. It was a pleasure to read and judge it, and I hope the feedback you receive below reflects the work you both put in and is in some way helpful to you.


Plot: 17/30

Story: 6

Yvonne, I was reasonably impressed by your efforts here. Opening the thread, you provide solid (and clever) reasons for Yvonne being in such an inhospitable land as Dheathain; ones that didn’t come across as cliché or generic. The idea of tapping into / exploiting the rare wares market was actually very good and set you an “end game”. Throughout the thread you also dip your toe more than once into the Althanian lore pool which helped to accentuate and boost the credibility of your storytelling; Yvonne’s Kachuck heritage, the contrast between where she came from and where she is and her inherent fear of magic all went down well. Additionally, her development alongside Felicity was well written and the arrival in Donnaliach brought Yvonne right to the forefront of the story, drawing on elements of her past to power home an emotional and proud stand against Zrazire which I fully appreciated and enjoyed.

I do, however, have two minor criticisms. Firstly, I felt that the thread was probably too drawn out for the actual story content, which felt back-loaded (I’ll be touching upon this in pacing), and secondly I felt that you never really addressed, concluded or touched upon the original reasons you gave for being in Dheathain in the first place as the thread went on, which disappointed me as I was looking forward to see how that would develop.

Flamebird, Your opening provided us relatively sensible reasons for Felicity being in Dhethean; firstly, because she loves exploring and secondly to study magic. The contrast between a pairing of a dwarf terrified of magic and Felicity, a keen magic user intent on improving, was excellent and not at all lost on me. That said, and whilst no one can fault the effort you put in here, I do believe that you were a bit of a passenger in the early to mid sections of the thread. Between Felicity meeting Yvonne and them arriving in Donnaliach, there was plenty of action but it was dotted about in the drawn out part of the thread. However, Felicity really shone after the arrival in Donnaliach and her confrontation with Zrazire in his store was probably the highlight, drawing on aspects of her colourful and angry personality to drive home what she is all about.

Much like Yvonne, I felt that you never really addressed the original reasons you gave for being in Dheathain and Felicity’s story in Donnaliach concluded much differently to the suggestion. Setting a marker down at the start of the thread created an expectation that the plot device will be in some way achieved, followed or referred to but sadly the Zrazire incident put paid to any further mention of studying magic (whilst it was a good final third).

Probably most importantly, I didn’t get a sense that this was a plot written by two writers on the same wavelength. When I judge a collaboration, I like to see each writer doing something in each post to either further the plot or the character’s development, giving me a “roadmap” of rising action and story development that I can trace from a thread’s beginning to end. Whilst there were patches of very good combined character development, especially in Zrazire’s store near the end after Felicity loses her shit, I often felt that the majority of individual efforts were better than the collective and I believe this led to a drawn out, somewhat haphazard thread that meandered about due to either a lack of planning or too much improvisation. I felt the thread could have been five or six posts shorter and still have delivered the same product, so that may be something to consider in the long run.


Pacing: 5

Pacing is the real problem here and ultimately it’s the significant element I really struggled with. Between Yvonne and Felicity meeting and arriving in Donnaliach, the thread became bogged down in generic travelling and this left me feeling a little subdued as these posts felt more like filler and didn’t add any nutritional value to the thread. Business only really picked up around post fifteen, which unsurprisingly fell at their arrival at Donnaliach. We are then introduced to Zrazire, and that’s when everything peaked. I loved the back and forth with the three characters and I found myself latching on to every word, with each post giving me more rising action each time, and thankfully Yvonne’s “conclusion box” served to avoid the issue of a drawn out conclusion without rushing things.


Setting: 6

As with most threads, I felt that the early posts’ use and description of Dheathain setting was far stronger than the tail-end of the thread, which for me is a trend I see all too often. I imagine this is because writers tend to sense when they are coming to the end of their piece and, whether intended or not, choose to “cut corners” in order to get the thread concluded. What this does is essentially affect consistency, which is really the key to nailing this element of the rubric and enhancing the overall read. We’ll move onto that shortly.

Early on I felt that the effort you both put in to bringing Dheathain to life was superb. Yvonne, in all of the threads I have seen on Dheathain, I don’t think I’ve been as impressed with a visualisation as I was with yours in those first few posts. You really paint an excellent picture of what the conditions are like in Dheathain's inhospitable climate, and truly add colour with your knowledge of the flora and fauna, as well as those little dips into the lorebook. The actual use of the setting in this early part too was very good, portraying the plant life as aggressive and hostile as Dheathain itself. Flamebird, in those early parts you were also excellent and without rote copying what Yvonne did you managed to show Dheathain's jungle in your own light, from the perspective of an explorer. You managed to use the setting in a way which was both believable and also held a little mysticism about it; being a relatively unexplored region of Althanas, you did well early on to preserve the “mystique” surrounding Dhethean.

After the arrival at Donnaliach, I felt that high level of quality dropped to something a little more subpar. Posts shifted their focus, understandably so, to the emotions and actions of the characters but this came at the cost of the quality of setting. In the last few posts, I couldn’t really visualise Zrazire’s shop, or how the characters were using it or moving about in it. The rigidity of the scene collapsed and I ended up visualising a scene in a place that felt far more generic than it really should have been, and far more basic than I’m sure either of you either intended or would have liked. I am a big believer that setting should be the one constant in any thread, and the kind of quality and effort shown at the beginning would have added far more colour to the back end of the story.



Character: 20/30


Communication: 7/10

When it came to communication, I had very few concerns. Both of you write your characters well, and the way that they communicate generally makes sense. Both Yvonne and Felicity have distinctive quirks and unique speech patterns to give their dialogue some additional flare, drawing on either their age, condition or heritage, and what you did have, for the most part, was solid.

I do have two small pieces of advice that aren’t really game changers for this thread but might help in future, which you can choose to take on board or not. Firstly, I would encourage you to make sure that the tones you set through dialogue stay consistent. There were a couple of instances where I picked up on Felicity switching between normal speech and her lisp, and I apart from early posts I couldn’t distinguish between the lisp being triggered by either stress or the Dheathain conditions or Flamebird just “not doing it” for whatever reason. Sometimes, the lisp was explained, and sometimes not, so a bit more explanation here would have been excellent.

Second, I would encourage you both to check your characters for overly-dramatic dialogue. While this is a fantasy story, and I usually live by the "go big or go home" motto, a few lines in this thread just felt out of place. Flamebird, you are a good writer but I nearly spit out my drink when I read the "I’M A MONSTER!" line in post twenty four. It felt quite cliché, and I'm not sure it would be natural for someone to express their sudden realizations that way.


Action: 6/10

Action was mostly very good, and both of your characters exhibited behaviour that matched their individual quirks You both also did a good job of outlining your characters' weaknesses and limits; good writers know how to weave them into a more believable tale. For example, I loved the way Yvonne displayed her terror of magic in post three, and Felicity showed her explosive temper later in the thread. Those little actions just bring their respective scenes to life. Dealing with Zrazire was probably the highlight of your joint contribution to the thread, with Felicity detonating that rage and Yvonne talking the drakari down being both a superb contrast and believable action for both characters.

Your action score is a bit lower than you might like, however, due to the concerns that I raised in the commentary on pacing. There were a few cases when both of your action felt a bit drawn out, and I had to force myself not to just skip ahead. I believe you are both far better writers than those parts suggest. Try asking a friend to read over your more action-heavy scenes with brevity in mind.


Persona: 7/10

Persona was certainly a strength for you both. I was able to get a good feel for who your characters were, especially with the help of the first couple and last few posts, in which their respective philosophies and personalities are drawn out. The reflections on Yvonne’s past were well done as well, and the portrayal of Felicity as a hybrid Neanderthal human with a short fuse could really be felt throughout and gave me a good grasp of a character I hadn’t really experienced before. As for consistency, which is equally as important, I would say you both did a nice job. There were a few parts that I really enjoyed, such as Yvonne storming off after being in the vicinity of magic, and her not wanting to leave Felicity behind despite the chaos she was causing. In turn, this led to a nice moment at the end where Felicity calms and reflects on Yvonne being the only one who stayed to help her, despite what she is.


Prose:19

Mechanics: 6/10

Though you are both good writers, I found a few more errors in this thread than I would have expected. There were a few run-on sentences, some odd sentence fragmentation (especially in Yvonne’s first post “Only the mild discomforts did she have the time to contemplate, formulate thoughts of protest about” would probably need a semi-colon), and some odd words. in post two. "It was considered part of the Althanas secture of the world" had me scrambling through the dictionary in a confused and dehydrated state, but I couldn’t find it, so I assume this was a typo. “She could of hired a guide to help her through the jungle wilderness” should instead be "have". Even with a thorough read-through, these small elements might be missed. I always recommend actually reading your posts out loud. I find my eyes can often fix mistakes for me, but when I have to actually speak them, they stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe that routine will work for you as well!


Technique: 6/10

I touched upon this in setting but I really liked the techniques you both used to describe Dheathain. There were some very nice metaphors throughout and this is something you both seem to have a knack for. You're also both very skilled at using that internal monologue to your advantage. But, as always, I think you could stand to work in even a bit more. When I find something I especially like, I circle it multiple times in my notes. There were not as many instances of that as I would have expected, but I know that you are both more than capable of giving me a bit more next time. One thing I definitely need to address, though, is Flamebird’s habit of bringing modern day terminology and casual slang into a fantasy setting. “Nuclear blood” and “Fangirl” are the main offenders in this piece, and their use sadly does more to detract from the writing than add to it. If I’m going to be blunt, and I will because you’ve paid a heavy 5 AP for me to be honest with you, I actually think this is the worst offense of the thread.


Clarity: 7/10

I don’t have a massive amount to say for clarity. Apart from having to grind through your respective accents to ensure I understood exactly what was being said, there wasn’t a lot I didn’t understand on the first read through, so I’m scoring you accordingly.


Wildcard: 7/10

I know I had a few criticisms, but please know that I genuinely enjoyed this thread for what it was, and although it was a little long it gave me a great insight into two characters I would not normally be familiar with. Yvonne, you are an excellent writer with a good grasp of what you need to succeed here. Flamebird, you've got both the experience and the ability to take Felicity to places you haven't done before on this site. It was a pleasure judging this for you both! You have both laid groundwork here to build a strong collaborative team in the future and I hope I get to see more of Yvonne and Felicity soon! Perhaps we can write together soon?

Final Score: 63

Congratulations!

Yvonne receives 1275 EXP and 175 GP!


Flamebird receives 1505 EXP and 165 GP, with 5 AP deducted for the judgment!