October vignette

[Tyr]

Sage

Use of Topic: I enjoyed the spin you put on this topic in such a way to make it your own. I think you handled it well by including the elements I was looking for in this prompt. There was some suspense, character weakness and struggle. I would have liked to see the prompt shine earlier in the entry.

In the spirit of my enjoyment of some of the descriptors you chose to help carry the story, I also noticed a lot of filler that jumbled the pacing and prose. I was snatched back quite a few times like that gnarled tree with Sage. You could have done away with some paragraphs that needn't have been included and the vignette wouldn't have been so bloated and overdrawn.

Creativity: This was the stronger area for you. I was entertained by your creative mind here, and it helped pull me through to the end. You did well painting the imagery and struggle in some areas. You would have done well to build on the suspense and horror longer than you had throughout. Revealing what was after Sage in the first paragraph drew away from capturing the imagination and attention of the reader.

I was also taken aback by the apparent unlimited agility of Sage. Having him race up the stairs three steps at a time and having him move a heavy wardrobe after the struggle of the chase leading up to the mansion left somewhat of a generic feel. However, I enjoyed the snippets of seeing some weakness and clumsiness in areas.

Mechanics: This was a rocky area for the most part. There were multiple spelling, punctuation, and capitalization errors throughout this piece. An example: "The gnarled Tree's rached for him in the gloomy moonless sky and snatched at his hooded cloak and yanked him backwards."

It would have been better served as something like: "The gnarled tree reached for him, snatching back at his hooded cloak under the moonless gloom." It gives just enough information for the imagination of the reader to take off. Most of the aforementioned could easily be rectified with some proofreading. Your wordplay and vocabulary seems vast, which jarred me with overuse of particular words, some of which used in close proximity.


Gallus

Use of Topic: I enjoyed what you did with the topic, and there wasn't a moment I felt hung up and left unsure of when it was going to surface. You utilized the elements I was hoping to see with this topic, and it was great how you spun in Salvar lore and mannerisms. The entry was longer than I would have liked for a Vignette, but it's understandable with the story you were weaving.

Creativity: You were pretty solid here. There were no issues with immersing me into the intricate world you created and held me steadfast until the very end. I enjoyed your creative mind and literary devices here. Imagery was painted vividly which placed me in the story along with your characters. In all honesty, I wanted to stab the priest repeatedly near the end there when he stabbed the main character. xD Kudos.

Mechanics: There really isn't much I can complain about in this area, as mechanics were pretty solid throughout this piece. Wordplay was impressive, and I loved seeing words typically not used widely. I reached a point in which I come across "the youngest Dre son" that sent me backtracking to find the family name spelled Drey up top was confusing.


Rohrkhel

Use of Topic: You certainly had the most unique spin on this topic. I wasn't expecting this approach when I first went to read through your Vignette entry. Great job on that. All the elements I wanted to see from this topic was integrated into a character outside of your own which was certainly refreshing, but it may have been too cryptic for some readers to interpret that.

Like the others, this entry was longer than I typically like to see. A vignette is more like a snapshot or snippet of a topic. Some parts could have been left out altogether and this would of had a smoother transition without feeling lumpy and drawn out like it was.

Creativity: This area by far was a strong point. You have an incredible and intricate creative mind and there is a certain poetry to it. I enjoyed many of the descriptions, but many others were just beat to hell (I'll touch base on that in Mechanics). The descriptions that were on point, and your impressive writing style really pulled me into the vibrant world you created.

You also have a great grasp on your character, and you portray him perfectly to your vision, but he came off as unbelievable and cliche. I felt no connection to him. Everybody loves a good villain, but there is a fine line when writing a good villain. He felt like this all powerful untouchable badass that everything comes easy to. That can be a vital turn off for a reader. It is important that our characters connect with the reader. Ways we can do that are using instances that a reader can relate to. Even Superheroes and Supervillains have relatable qualities and challenges a reader can relate to.

Mechanics: The first thing I'm going to address is something I too was guilty of back in my early days of creative writing many years ago. It was particularly the norm of the site I had chosen before finding Althanas, and the writers I was writing with. Luckily I had this friend/writer pull me aside not long after I started this habit to teach me what I'd like to help you with now.

This pertains to the slaughter of the word 'would' throughout this Vignette entry. 'Would' is a modal verb like can, could, shall, should, ought to, and will. A modal verb is a verb that indicates modality like: likelihood, ability, permission, request, capacity, suggestions, order, obligation or advice. The modal verb 'would' expresses things like the future, intention, request, possibility, always and will.

'Would' isn't a strong verb that expresses a form of action or experience. I'm going to pull a couple of examples here to suggest other ways of going about it. Among the first sentence of the first paragraph- "An odd yet persistently annoying creaking sound would echo in Rohrkhel's ear as he groaned and squinted, an eerie glow eminating from a crack in the ceiling as he found himself laying down in a dusty and seemingly broken down home."

In this you use the word 'would' as an example of describing what Rohrkhel is experiencing when hearing the echo, when striking out 'would' altogether and replacing echo with something like 'echoed' or 'echoes' is effective. Another example from the second paragraph: "Rohrkhel would mutter to himself". Replacing 'would mutter' with something like muttered or mutters nails it.

There were multiple run-on sentences, filler and punctuation errors too. An example of this: "An odd yet persistently annoying creaking sound would echo in Rohrkhel's ear as he groaned and squinted, an eerie glow eminating from a crack in the ceiling as he found himself laying down in a dusty and seemingly broken down home."

Something like- "An odd, yet persistent creaking echoed in Rohrkhel's ear as he groaned and squinted. An eerie glow eminated from a crack in the ceiling, finding himself laying in a dusty seemingly derelict home." reads more fluently. 'Annoying and sound' could be taken out, as a persistent creaking could already be perceived as annoying, and we already know creaking is a sound without doubling down on descriptions. "Dusty and seemingly 'broken down'" in this case could also be summed up with words like decrepit or derelict.


*Note: You remind me a lot of me when I first moved to Althanas many years ago, and I see a ton of talent boiling within you. Maybe these tips can help lift you to the next level!


Congratulations to Gallus for the win!

I typically try not to award ties, but in this case I am so everyone receives GP for the late attention to this. Thank you, and I hope to see future entries from you all! Double rewards for the crazy lateness!

1st Place- Gallus
2nd Place- Rohrkhel and Sage


Sage receives:

640 EXP
300 GP

Gallus receives:

400 EXP
400 GP

Rohrkhel receives:

320 EXP
300 GP


Rewards Added