upon the cheek of night
EXP: 224,444, Level: 20
Level completed: 0%,
EXP required for next Level: 0
October-November 2020 Vignette Judgment
This was an interesting prompt with two very different submissions. I don't have any general comments other than that, so on to the judgments!
Flamebird
Use of Topic: You definitely did a good job of using existing Althanas lore to answer the brief. The thread had an appropriate setting, main action, and storyline for a haunted/horror theme. Felicity is of course a very powerful character, but you brought in a force capable of terrifying and overcoming her - good job.
Creativity: I liked your representation of the spider magi, although I was not aware that they were quite so sensitive to all forms of light. Overall though I think you didn't give enough attention to the actual horror and/or the resolution. You also do a lot of telling when you could be showing, for example, in the beginning you told us that Felicity was a devout of the Thayne and then showed us with her cousin's amulet. It would have been more effective and concise to just show using the amulet and how her actions/feelings surrounding it.
Mechanics: This story was really 2-3x as long as it needed to be. The first section on its own could have been a vignette, the dream sequence could have been a separate vignette, and the rescue could have also been a vignette. You don't get points for writing more though - in fact, you lose them. We define a vignette as a short, descriptive scene or slice of life. I would recommend that you put more of the time/energy you spend writing into brainstorming and editing.
Otherwise, you had a quite a few mechanical errors especially near the beginning, and the last scene didn't really make sense to me. I think that was because you were trying to show how confused Felicity was, but you may have played it up too much.
Philomel
Use of Topic: You clearly established the scene with feelings of unease and horror, but it seemed to lack a main action which would have made use of these feelings. I would have liked to see a little more of the character and less description/counting of candles, even without necessarily making the content longer.
Creativity: Your descriptions were very articulate, but a bit heavy on the candles, and it felt like you left the idea halfway through. While you do want to provide a brief "slice of life", context is still important in order for the reader to understand what's going on.
Mechanics: I don't recall any glaring mechanical problems, which is appropriate considering the overall length.
Flamebird wins by a nose!
Flamebird receives 900 experience + 86 for good behavior and 200 gold.
Philomel receives 1200 experience and 150 gold.
"The breeze did not stir. The stars did not twinkle. The trees did not sway and the brook did not babble.
For the world did not turn when Am'aleh wept, and a tear had tumbled down her cheek."