Judgment


Story

Plot: 6/10

The thread opens with a nice scene that gives a little introduction to Jake and his relationship with the Haidans that he hunts, immediately giving some useful insight for both story and characterisation purposes. After this, the plot focuses mostly on Jake’s recruitment by Marvin’s crew at the tavern in their quest to hunt Arkboss; the most dangerous demon Jake has hunted to date.

The early posts in the thread carefully take Jake through the process of being introduced to the group, testing them thereafter. It is to your credit that you are always careful to eventually explain what I would consider to be “question mark” moments well and not to leave many loose ends untied, and it is this attention to detail that keeps the story fresh. Even if they are only small things, having the bartender explain why one moment he couldn’t remember Jake’s name and then the next day the group knows a lot about him are those type of moments the reader questions and you make sure, where possible, to tie these bits up. Little nuances you introduced, like explaining out details of the Haidan’s own micro-culture and their rituals, served to enhance the experience further and was actually rather educational.

One of the main worries I had for this thread was that whilst Arkboss was obviously going to be the main challenge, there have been times in the past where I felt you didn’t present your characters with an obstacle that really pushed them to their capabilities. For the most part, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the demon was far more of a problem for Jake and his party than anticipated, and in particular I enjoyed the ease in which he dispatched Dirk and caused grievous damage to the others (although I did find Selina’s death a little cliché). What followed, though, felt like a bit of an asspull. It wasn’t so much that Jake called upon Breaker for help; the admission that he was too weak to defeat Arkboss on his own showed some diversity and adherence to his character, at least, but the fact that Breaker somehow knew that making a potion out of demon blood would halt the effects of his abilities was a little too convenient.

That said, Arkboss is still alive, minus his skin of course, so there is potential for a good follow up. I hope to see the conclusion of the conflict soon because, small criticisms aside, this was a good thread with lots of potential for future expansion.


Setting: 6/10

The early setting was as typical as you can get for a hunting story, but typical does not mean poor by any stretch. Whilst larger aspects of the respective areas were mostly left to the imagination, save for the opening posts in the tavern and a rather gorgeous opener describing Serenti, you excelled at utilising the smaller details within the settings. Simple, particular descriptions such as the state of Jake’s “room” in post three not only add to your setting, but make it come alive.
The wider setting in the journey to Arkboss himself, though, seemed a little lacking without being terrible. I found myself reading mid thread posts where Jake would arrive “on a mountaintop plateaux” but without any real expansion into the medium level details, such as the immediate surrounding area or features. It seemed as if you either concentrated on the very fine details, which were done superbly, and the very large details without much mind paid to the bit inbetween. With consideration given to that across the breadth of your thread, your score here would have been a lot higher. That said, what you did do was done very well.


Pacing: 8/10

One of the better areas of your thread was the way you ensured the spread of the writing never became bogged down or dull. From your excellent opening with Jake chasing the demon, to the scenes in the tavern where Jake is first recruited and right the way through to Jake’s interaction with Breaker, the posts flowed with an easy-on-the-eye level of continuity. There was one moment where pace was slightly interrupted late on in the thread (when Jake first “summons” a portal to Breaker upon encountering Arkboss) but I’m putting that down to personal preference and I think I’m probably nitpicking anyway. Not much more to say here other than well done!


Character

Communication: 7/10

Communication is one of the areas I believe you excelled in. You have a knack for writing both Jake and your NPC’s well, which is more difficult than it looks in a thread like this where you are introducing and utilising so many different people, and the way that they all communicated made sense. There was one moment a little earlier in the thread, though, which appeared slightly contradictory:

Quote Originally Posted by Jake
“You’d best hope that this Arkboss isn’t as good a fighter as me,” I said critically. “Otherwise, most of you will probably die.”

That ended Marvin’s mirth quickly. He slipped his mace back through its belt loop and nodded at his compatriots in turn.

“That’s why we have inside information, and a plan. It all hinges on your portalling ability, so I hope you’re well rested. And don’t think so little of us. You may have surprised us with your nifty Breaker-tricks, but we’re a fighting unit unlike any you’ve ever seen. Just last week, we took out a whole hive of vamps. Must have slain at least two score of them between us.”

“Alright, you’ve convinced me,” I said, sheathing my sword fluidly and holding up both palms. “You all seem very well trained. I just hope this demon we’re after is equally impressed.”
It seemed to me that in a very short time, Jake had gone from doubting their survival chances to then saying they were all up to scratch, and even though you could argue that the context I highlighted doesn’t take into account Marvin’s response, it still didn’t make a lot of sense. In any case, that was more or less my only issue and otherwise felt that Jake’s personality shone through his dialogue, and your supporting cast held their own rather than feeling too generic.


Action: 8/10

For the most part, your action was really good. For me, the thread was split into two parts – pre-Arkboss and post-Arkboss.

I’ve already touched upon this in previous commentary above but the negatives I seem to address the most with your threads revolve mostly around your characters' lack of development due always succeeding in their tasks. I was so pleasantly surprised here – although pre-Arkboss Jake predictably bested his entourage in sparring with little difficulty, the appearance of the demon really did throw me for a loop. Arkboss himself was a bastion of unpredictability and excitement, making short, excruciating work of Dirk and Selina and really pushing Jake to the wire (to the point that he felt he even had to summon Josh to help out, which was not well received by Breaker). Skinning Arkboss alive made a good action score into a great one (along with an honourable mention to the stone door in the face in your opening post).
I mentioned this before, but the only real detraction was the Arkboss blood potion plot point. I think that really impacted plot more than action, but it was worth noting that in a thread with action of this quality it still felt a bit out of place.


Persona: 6/10

Persona was certainly a strength for Jake, and while still very good I felt perhaps a little more thinly spread for your other characters. You actually write multiple people very well indeed, ensuring their words and actions are in keeping with the personalities the writing weaves for us, and I was still able to get a good feel for who your NPC’s were, especially with the introduction of Marvin and the gang in the tavern. Perhaps one thing that felt missing in this thread was more of what you did in Need for Steed, with a little less attention paid to the diversity of the characters here than there. Other than Jake, there wasn’t a standout; it felt very much like a main character plus supporting cast divide was in effect. As badass as Arkboss was, he too felt a tiny bit generic. That said, consistency is equally as important and throughout the thread I would say you did a great job on this front, ensuring that their tones and characters remained in keeping that way for the duration of the thread.

On a final note on this point, I think the nicest bit was the conclusion, where Jake was quite clearly proud of the fact that he hadn’t used portals to defeat Arkboss at all – something which his mentor, Breaker, had lectured him about before. It showed that Jake looked up to Josh and that his mentor’s opinion mattered, which is testament to his character. Nice work!


Prose

Mechanics: 8/10

Once again, this was perhaps the easiest part of the commentary to address thanks to the near faultlessness in your mechanics. I found precisely one spelling error ("woolen"instead of "woollen" in post three) and an odd sentence in post seven "They squirmed and fought like caged squirrels, but the could not shake me loose." I've said this before, but one of your greatest strengths is your command and usage of the English language, so as is usually the case when I tackle such high-quality threads I am going to find it hard to give you any meaningful advice to improve this area. I will, of course, try. Firstly, when you are writing and posting at speed, I find a quick spell check of each post before posting very useful, followed by a second cursory glance. In all honesty though it just feels as if I'm teaching you to suck eggs!


Technique: 8/10

There are far more positives than negatives. The way you describe your actions within your surroundings and visualize the consequences of your actions in an unfamiliar (to me) first person perspective impress me greatly; which is probably why I was as disappointed as I was with your "middle ground" setting, given your obvious strength here. When reading, I like to be pulled into the story and made to feel as if I were Jake, Marvin, Selina, Dirk or Joshua himself, feeling the very same sensations the character is at that moment in time.

I thought it was an odd technique to also bring Joshua into the first person, given that the majority of his writing is usually done in third person, but I can understand the need for consistancy here and it didn't affect the score anyway. I also enjoyed the structure of your writing, with clever uses of pregnant pauses and paragraphing to break up the meatier action from the important dialogue. You wove posts together and they appeared seamless through the thread, which in itself is an achievement given the length. Put simply, you did not disappoint.


Clarity: 9/10

With regards to clarity, I can't really remember a point where I didn't know what was going on other than with regards to a lack of that dreaded "middle section" setting I have been waffling on about. However, this small issue aside, you have a gift for keeping the reader’s mind clear and focused on the events of the thread. Well done!


Wildcard: 8/10

Although the thread had flaws, none of them were big enough to put me off enjoying this one and giving me a much better insight into Jake. You also did a fantasic job of setting up for a potential sequel, if you wanted to. Thank you for allowing me to judge this and bearing with me whilst I had technical issues with my laptop!


Total score: 74

Congratulations!

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