Story:

In terms of setting I was aware of what was around from the start. The time of day, the general landscape and the atmosphere were touched upon. It continues strong when you go to hell. What I really liked seeing here was the references to many of the traditional Hades myths, such as the name of Charon, the Ferryman. For plot itself the entire story was endearing and strong, with a good storyline that grips the reader. One qualm that I had though was that it was a little too easy to get into the cells - I felt that you could have done some more adventure here. Though it ended up being part of a trick they did not mention that it was too easy or anything. This was not explained clearly.
Following on from this point the tension built well, with the finding of Simone a great reunion. The revelation that Leila's child will be stillborn is extraordinarily powerful also, and gives foreshadowing well. Then you have the sudden appearance of Ranja. This is at post 9, and I would say this is where your pacing fell a little. I would have liked maybe more of a sudden build up to Ranja's appearance - such as them coming across him as they are running away, and all seems well and they are safe, and then he suddenly appears. The fight in post 11 could definitely have done with some more description, but the scenes following this pick up the pace and continue on an excellent storyline. My favourite part, however, is definitely when Simona stabbed Ranja in the neck and finished him off saying, "you said to stab him in the neck." This is both hilarious and a great connection to earlier plot. The ending of this thread was remarkable, with an excellent cliffhanger of Breaker surrending as a prisoner in order to let Leila go. The fact you end of this opens up to more threads in the future ... that I want to read.

Character:

Leila's character is very powerful, how she balances being a succubus at the same time as wanting to live a life, fighting stereotypes. Her dialogue is powerful: in post two she states, "Do you think so little of me" and “why because I am a sex demon I must lay with many men?” Her actions as well show her love for her child, as she cups her belly and seems very happy. Yet, still, she is able to go and rescue her mother, showing her strength of character. You show weakness as well, which is important for characterisation, when you have her not able to go on out of stress/fear/anxiety in post 8. Weakness is also shown when Ranja comes in and she is unable to talk. You also show some devleopments of persona in her instinctual actions of looking at her stomach in post 12, that shows her surprise. I really like her determination towards the end where she shows her prowess in still wanting to rescue her lover, despite her weakened state.

Breaker seems a loveable man from this thread, and one can feel his physical power as well as his passion. Actions such as stroking her chin (post 3) show his ability to be gentle, yet he is also obviously a fighter in the more combat scenes. His dialogue is also verging on humerous, yet recognising of the seriousness of the situation. In post 4 when he talks about the rescue he says: "This will be quite the adventure." The very strength of him is desmonstrated when he opens the manacles on Simone, which was dramatically written. You showed various signs to Breaker in this thread, and though it could have perhaps done with more persona, in knowing what his inner thoughts were, you wrote well here. The most compelling line, however could be said to be in post 12: “I know a lot about killing.” Breaker said grimly. In terms also of good lines you show his wit with “I surrender!” in post 15. As a last action written Breaker giving himself up to let Leila go is strong and shows his devotion to her well.

In terms of Ranja I found his character written very powerfully. From the way he enters in post 9 to how he speaks in post 10 (E.g. “Speak, have you lost your tongue?” He snapped at her.) The way he abuses Leila and uses her soul, and then speaks of how he will just get rid of the baby currently there is harsh and shows him well as a heartless villain. When he also throws Leila around in post 12 it also shows his dislike for the babies. His twisting words as well in post 14 of "why must you make me hurt you" shows his manipulation power - basically you came up with an excellent villain here folks.

Prose:

Mechanically wise there are some moments where sentence strucuture does not quite work. In terms of sweet.seduction post 6 has: "Standing on the concrete platform that is the only way in and out of Hell." This reads a little clumsily, and with some punctuation and a small amount of rewording it can be clearer. E.g. "They stood on the concrete platform, the only way in and out of Hell." Both of you also need to keep an eye on paragraphing, as sometimes you have only only line between them, and sometimes two. (see post 6 as example). Another thing to check is tenses. In post 6 you use "steps" as present amongst past. There is also some punctuation mistakes: post 12, where "“Ranja what do you want from me,” should have a question mark ('?') in place of the comma (','). This aside you do show consistency with writing with each other and overall everything is clear and understandable.

Below are the best parts of technique that I liked. Overall you had some good variety of linguistic uses, including foreshadowing, metaphor and imagery. You have done well in this section and write well together.

Post 1: "Hot Fallieni sun stretched the shadows long as afternoon bled into evening."
This is an excellent use of metaphor that grips the reader from the start, using personification effectively.
post 3: "sun darkened hands"
This is a really powerful way of describing the colour of skin, but also the general culture that your characters are in.
Post 8: "the smell of stale death only hung"
Exceedingly pointant and strong creation of atmosphere and dread. Brilliant foreshadowing in this post as well.
Post 12: "bounced off the granite headboard, dazed her."
This gives the imagery of the power of the hit, the fact that you mention it is granite makes it more powerful and the small fractal clause of 'dazed her' shows the final effect.