Ride The Lightning
EXP: 166,794, Level: 17
Level completed: 83%,
EXP required for next Level: 3,206
Another terrific thread. It isn’t flawless, but I very much enjoyed this thread, and the continuance of the story of Josh, his massive legion, and his complex relationship with divinity. There was some excellent creativity here. The thread has a lore-heavy tone, which I think lends gravity to the work and makes for a more satisfying closure. There is also clear forethought in the plan for this thread, which wraps logically and ties up most loose strings very well.
Plot (22/30) -
Story (9/10) – Undeniably an excellent story. I really can’t be critical of this story in any truly fair way, short of picking at idiosyncracies. The rise of the armies around Josh didn’t feel fully formed; I understood where they came from but the supporters and their motivation seemed a little odd. The “conversion†of troops was unique and clever, so this could also be viewed as a strength.
Setting (6/10) - Not weak by any stretch, but your weakest area in this thread. Setting is minimalistic and leans heavily on the visual cues, even as some other senses (including the “crunch of sandâ€, which I enjoyed) are alluded to. Still clearly above average, I went back and forth between 6 and 7 here.
Pacing (7/10) - Through necessity, pacing can be choppy here. I appreciate that you moved quickly through timelines that would make the thread very monotonous were you to keep the pace at a steady drum. I did feel that the mounting threat of war felt very distant about halfway through the thread, and everything sort of broke ranks with Josh’s apparent descent into madness.
Character (23/30) -
Communication (7/10) - Generally strong, you still fall into the trap of forcing in what feels like catch phrases. Interestingly, it feels as though the only time your dialogue ever struggles comes in the climactic moments of a thread. The “over my broken body†and “I am the Breaker†felt very cumbersome here given the scenarios.
There’s an element of dialogue and communications that I understand in that we are rarely at our most articulate in times of stress. For someone as traveled and experienced as the Breaker, I’d love to see him err on the side of quiet rather than saying something silly.
Action (9/10) - The action in this thread was a little light, but you remain the best narrator of combat and physical activity that I’ve read. It’s a real gift you have here.
Persona (7/10) - I didn’t know whether to give you a “10†or a “4†here, because there were times where I waffled between the two during the thread. Breaker’s apparent split with sanity was very surprising, as McKinley was brought out for sacrifice it was clearly out of character. His return from the edge was good to see, although the explanation of it felt kicked down the road and obviously tied to Am’aleh.
Prose (24/30) -
Mechanics (9/10) - I couldn’t find any obvious flaws here. There may have been some small issues with repetition using words surrounding the water, but that is inevitable in a thread so tightly themed to the water borne Goddess.
Clarity (7/10) - This was the other challenge area for me. I had to go back over the area where McKinley was taken and it was done on Josh’s orders, since he didn’t remember it. I can’t imagine a thread that leans on amnesia such as this can score a hell of a lot higher than “above averageâ€, since the reader is intentionally somewhat misled.
Technique (9/10) - And here you get those points right back, since the use of memory here was triggered with some good literary work, including putting some of the heavy-handed dialogue Josh leans on in the hands of his sworn mercenaries. That was a really nice angle to the thread that I enjoyed, as well as the resonant theme of loyalty that showed up with Josh’s love for Kinley, Am’aleh, and the brotherly bond of warriors.
Wild Card (8/10) - The ability of this thread is far-reaching, and it creates a new God for Althanas in human (-ish?) form. This thread is extremely ambitious but tight, and is just an outstanding overall read.
TOTAL SCORE – 80 – JUDGE’S CHOICE NOMINATION FORTHCOMING