Judgment Time! So, this is just a skeletal rubric we will be using later on in the tournament, just so that the opening registration threads will be done quickly and proficiently. That being said, this is also a way for you to understand what is expected of the full rubric and get a good feel. If you have any questions on how things work you are free to contact me at any time for assistance. I am also going to be putting in ‘general notes’ at the end of the judgment, with a post signifier [post number] so that you can go back and look over the part that I commented. This is for your convenience only, not something that all mods will do, and is not required, but something that I like to add in for further help. Just for reference, a 2.5 out of 5 is the pure median for a score, so don't worry, it's not like... 'epic fail'-ness. Haha.
Story (2.4/5)
~This section is most notably used for how well you did. In the full rubric it will be split into three different parts: Continuity, Setting, and Pacing. Continuity is the section regarding the background of who your character is and where they came from, without a good bit of reflection on your back story it’s difficult for the reader to understand most other categories that are also being looked over. Setting is the part of the judging that is pretty much self explanatory. A good setting not only shows the reader as well as the participants of the thread were you are and what’s around, but also involves the tactical and practical use of the setting your character is interacting with. Final section of Story is the Pacing. This is the most complex of parts to analyze, normally. However, in a battle the pacing of the story is the intent of the writer to keep the reader on the edge of their seats, build the suspense well, and let it dwindle correctly.~
~BnBE: I like your style for showing continuity, you allow the reader to know through actions your background and your character, which is better than just telling me. Your opening post was a very good example of just how to write in enough continuity so that the reader knows a little bit, but not giving it all away, and within a small post. Setting, I’d have liked to feel it more rather than see it, but that’s just something you have to look over later as you write. The pacing was well done for a short thread.
~Gordie: Show me a little more about your background… what is your battle suit? Where did you come from? Why are you shooting at her? Things like that will help explain to the reader what happens later and why it happens the way it does. You showed a little bit of the setting, such as the collapsed roof, but not as much as your partner. Try and use it more, though you did show your disadvantage with the small area you can’t get into to chase after her, which was well done. Pacing was well done for the short thread, as I said to BnBE above.
Character (2.75/5)
~This section is looked in regards to another three parts: Dialogue, Action, and Persona. Each of these is rather simple to explain, compared to the story section. Action is a matter of following actions and a direction that makes sense for your character. If your character is a powerhouse then his actions sulking and hiding wouldn’t make much sense, same goes for if your character is a spy or assassin, up front confrontation wouldn’t make sense either. Dialogue is self explanatory, what you say, but it is not just that simple either. Dialogue pertains to whether your character is speaking in ways that make sense. A quiet character wouldn’t talk a lot, but maybe have inner thoughts instead, a cocksure character might stop in the middle of a fight to talk a lot, or a character whose persona isn’t either probably wouldn’t pull away from conflict to give a long speech. Persona is how well you keep ‘in character’, it is not just a part controlled by what you say your character does, but how he performs actions and why he does so. This section is contributed to by dialogue, action, pacing, continuity, and to a degree setting.~
~Both of you did very well to write in a little about your persona’s and dialogue. The speech and thoughts were believable and realistic, which is what we ask for, as well as showed a little bit of your backgrounds and your personalities. I suggest that you add a little more about WHO you are and why you act the way you did. Things like that help out with the persona more than anything. The action between the two of you was also realistic, though a little bit unclear due to the question of “Why was Gordie attacking BnBE?” Otherwise it was done well.
Writing Style (2.7/5)
~The final section is the compilation of the final three parts: Technique, Mechanics, and Clarity. Technique is the section that we delve into your personal style of writing, in regards to ‘advanced’ styles of writing. The use of alliteration, foreshadowing, and metaphors or similes are going to heighten this score. Of course, stylistic uses of technique that go against proper grammar are also goo ways to use Technique, and will not be counted against you in the next section. Mechanics is the grammatically correct part of the judgment. How many mistakes you made with spelling, punctuation, and other mistakes is how this section is scored. Clarity is by far the most simple to judge. Were all the other sections clear? Was the way you told the story clear? Was your writing clear? That is what the entire section of clarity is about~
~Neither of you write in an unclear style, though since Gordie has a little bit more ‘technical’ things to explain regarding the battle suit it could get hard to follow. Keep in mind that the reader does not know what is going on with the technical names of your eyes, your race, or your weaponry. A small explanation would help out a lot with the clarity of What and Who the man behind the suit and the suit itself are. BnBE, you have a very good grasp of the first person narrative style, but it also tends to detract from more advanced techniques. You do, however, have them in there as something other than metaphors and similes, which helps out since it keeps in character and plays off the style of writing you use. Only a couple tense issues which were noted below in the general notes section. Gordie, you have a style that is concise and brief, which is fine, but you have to also keep in mind that though it’s easy to read, and grammatically correct, you may tend to lack the use of advanced techniques of writing which detracts from the “technique” section of the Writing Style. Work on that little aspect and your brevity and to the point style will do well in the future.
Total: (7.85/15)
General Notes
~ “they effortlessly threw me into under the marble archway and out of this realm with a small whoosh.” [2]~ “threw me into [remove under] the marble archway…”
~ “Which explains why I'm currently on my hands and knees, gagging and retching. [2]~ Present tense writing, could be changed to: “Which [explained] why I [showed up] on my hands and knees…”
~The thing reminded me of something I'd read in one of those trashy science fiction novels those hacks hopped up on "crystal" pen every now and again. [4]~ Hahaha, haha, hahaha, awesome.
~ The 1-Ton Warrior [5]~ Should be ‘one-ton’ warrior since it’s a technical mistake in writing, write out numbers instead of just the number unless it’s a series of numbers where writing them all out would cause confusion. Or write out some numbers and use actual numbers to show the difference in the stream… not sure if that’s exactly the way to describe it though, lol.
~ “Weighing down the Elemental's movements, as well as making him much more difficult to knock over.” [5]~ Putting a pronoun before ‘weighting’ would help make this not look like a fractional sentence, though it doesn’t come up as one it looks like one and makes the reader stop to re-read it instead of continuing on.
An Addendum by Alias after being reviewed:
With regard to general note #2, I believe that was intended as a character's shared thought (much like the other italicized sentences) that just wasn't italicized. We can't quite know, but your suggestion certainly fixes it if it wasn't meant as a thought.
~Agreed, a little bit more clarity as to what the sentence that I commented on in General Note #2 would help go along way to understand if it’s a character shared thought, or a misused tense agreement. Since it is first person writing, knowing whether or not it’s a character shared thought is difficult. I’ve written first person, and it’s a lot different than 3rd person writing, and can often lend to different issues such as this.
One thing to add about Gordie's descriptions: "The moyomer-enhanced musculature of the Elemental-Class Battle Armour slowly started to lift the hoof-like feet that served as both stabalizers and as weights. Weighing down the Elemental's movements, as well as making him much more difficult to knock over." Apart from the fragment (which you addressed) and the technical bits (that you also addressed), Gordie is using too many pronouns (proper noun replacements? what word am I looking for here?). He uses "armoured figure", "suit", "1-Ton Warrior", "Elemental-Class Battle Armour", "Elemental", "Bloodnamed warrior", "clanner", "Nikolai" to mean himself or his suit, but many of those are either unexplained or used out of context. For example, "clanner" before his mention of the Jade Falcon Clan, "Bloodnamed warrior" in general, "1-Ton Warrior" before his mention of being a commander, and "Elemental" without explaining what the Elemental Class was. "Suit", "armor", and of course "Nikolai” were all acceptable though
~Try and use your own name just as you would pronouns, every now and then, or even the word “he” if it fits in context. Pronouns are good if they’re clarified before their use, such as Alias suggested, but if they’re not clarified and there’s multiple people writing they can be misinterpreted as you suggesting something about someone else. Of course, with as unique as the battle suit is it’s hard to misinterpret them as meaning another player, but it still is a discrepancy that can be easily avoided.
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