Greetings, I have been chosen as the judge for this match. Since this match defaulted, I lumped my notes together for each person at the start of each team's judgment rather than separating them into their corresponding sections. It is my hope that my scores and comments are both fair and insightful, respectively, and if there are any questions you can PM me directly.
Kirakage
KaseiYamanako:
You referred to the arena as 'this area' many, many times, and indeed used 'this' throughout your posts. This is more applicable when you're speaking of one specific option out of several possibilities, but in this case, the reader is unaware of the other possible arenas. I would recommend changing most if not all of your 'this's to 'the.' You stuff entirely too much into your sentences, and a lot of it is unnecessary clarification. It's also done in a very wordy way, and makes your post long-winded. I would strongly recommend breaking your sentences up into complete thoughts, rather than adding information on the fly. This will also help you determine which 'thoughts' are more necessary to the post, and which aren't.
You give a good image of the area around you most of the time, but often lapse into too much information, and the most visual parts get buried under excess lines. You mention your 'Nightmare' entirely too casually to give it any real sense of evil or danger, and you also mention some 'Twilight' energy, but never explain exactly what it is or how it works. You also have a tenancy to overuse 'was,' which can actually be dropped in most cases since it isn't actually the verb.
For such a 'mastermind,' Kasei is exceptionally long-winded in his explanation of what his partner should do, and he also mentioned several things one would assume their partner knew by this point. You sometimes use very few commas, even when they are needed. The general rule is to place a comma anywhere you would naturally pause while speaking what you've written, and around interjections like ', of course, '. While your description of opening a portal to the Twilight realm helped explain the source of that energy, you became exceptionally wordy and exact in describing exactly how this was accomplished.
There were entirely too many actions in your second post, and you didn't even give your opponents a chance to see you. You throw the word Twilight around so many times in the end of your second post it loses all meaning, and draws more attention to the repetition of the word than what you're trying to say. Same thing with the word 'two,' actually. At the very end of your last post you ask a direct question to the reader, and while the intended effect of suspense was obvious, it was really pretty cheesy and seemingly out of place for the writing style you had used up until then.
Xero Hexus:
Your introduction is interesting, and you introduce your character's name appropriately. Though you include a fair bit of Xero's history, you jump from one thing to the next so quickly I hardly even get an effective overview. You describe the transformation of your eyes, and the aura, but really don't describe Xero physically much at all, not even what he's wearing. You also hardly describe the arena at all. Almost the entirety of your first post is narration. You made a number of typos in your second post, and a few in your first as well. Your description of the effects of your 'shadows' got rather lengthy, though the rest of your post kept a solid pace. Your reuse your character's name a lot, and that draws more attention to the name than what's happening in your post. Using some 'synonymous phrases,' like 'the paladin,' would help this.
Story: 16.75/30
Storytelling: 2.75/5
Setting: 6/10
Pacing: 8/15
Character: 22.75/35
Dialogue: 7.25/10
Action: 9/15
Persona: 6.5/10
Writing Style: 20.25/30
Technique: 6.5/10
Mechanics: 7/10
Clarity: 6.75/10
Wildcard: 1.25
Total: 61/100
Due to not meeting the posting requirements, neither of you are eligible for any rewards.
Bang, Whoosh, Slice, Death
BlackAndBlueEyes:
Your choice of onomatopoeias to create a sense of sound in your intro was originally very unique, but your sounds seemed more like footsteps in leaves and dry underbrush than hydraulics. You give a pretty good image of the world around you, but never describe your character, or your partner at any real length. I have to say I enjoy the informal and amusing nature of your prose, and first person perspective is well suited to it. Your thoughts on your initial fight with your partner were also pretty humorous. You do slip into second person once or twice, though, with your little asides starting with 'you.' You also start a number of sentences with 'but.' Your mention of frozen and cracked lips brought more of a sense of the cold of the arena. Your dialogue is pretty appropriate, and quite funny during her exchanges with Nickolai. Just a little note, 'like a human in appearance' can be summed up with the word 'humanoid.' I got a very clear picture of the initial fight scene through your character's eyes. Your decision to have your final post take place back where the tournament began was a rather interesting twist. The dialogue between you and the 'Cabal member' was fairly humorous, and emphasized the frustration of the situation.
Gordie:
You pick the pace right up in your intro and touch on the neccessary back story later, improving the overall flow of the thread. You give a fair bit of description to the technical workings of your suit, but never much to the actual look of it. You reused the word fence at least seven times in fewer consecutive sentences, drawing more attention to the word itself than what you were saying. You should have explained the 'clan lingo' in character, rather than adding an ooc note. Assuming a reader had only what you wrote in character to go on, they would be mostly lost. You mention the name of your opponent, Kasei, even though your character would have no way of knowing this. It is not clear exactly why 'jumpjets,' which I assume are powered by explosive fuel, would leave behind ice. If the melted snow could freeze that quickly, your partner would be dead. Though it assisted the pacing, simply saying that he 'had also been wrenched from the battlefield,' and 'heard the same explanation,' seemed just a little cheap, and didn't give me a good idea of your character's thoughts on the matter outside of his anger. His explosive reaction to the monk's mention of his name was quite hilarious.
Story: 20.5/30
Storytelling: 3.5/5
Setting: 7/10
Pacing: 9/15
Character: 24.5/35
Dialogue: 8/10
Action: 9.5/15
Persona: 7/10
Writing Style: 23.5/30
Technique: 7/10
Mechanics: 8.5/10
Clarity: 8/10
Wildcard: 1.5
Total: 70/100
BlackAndBlueEyes receives...
950 EXP and 300 GP!
Gordie receives...
400 EXP and 300 GP!
Bang, Whoosh, Slice, Death wins by default!
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Originally Posted by Xero Hexus
