League A (Division 2): Amber Eyes v. Sanste

[Sanste]

Pictures flew through Sanste's head at a sickening speed. Dead trees, tombstones, a shed, gate, mystic, more tombstones. “Wait!!! Was that Mrs. Kyla?” Sanste stopped as he tried to better filter through the information. “Nope, not that golem. Not this one either.... Quickly!!! There, it's the one by the tree!”

“Great, the golem can't speak... I should have made a mouth. Guess I'll have to go over their myself,” the boy thought to himself as he stumbled over a gravestone. “Ouch! I guess it's like my father said. It takes years of practice specifically working with multiple golems to be able to properly handle them. Damn! I always just used one or two.”

Sanste commanded the golem near the mystic to try and keep track while the others would surround the area in case she tried to flee. However, the plans changed slightly a second after when the golem crafter tripped over another gravestone. “Ugh, can't keep track of all this stuff. Fine! I'll deactivate the one by the building and just leave it there at the entrance. Maybe the mystic will think it's still guarding if she does try to escape that way.”

With an ever increasing headache and sore body, Sanste made his way the best he could through the narrow rows of stones towards where he had saw the mystic.

[Amber Eyes]

Kyla smiled, reaching down and patting the golem on the head. She wasn't quite sure if the creature was sentient or not, but better safe than sorry. The mystic made her way out of the brush that surrounded her hiding spot, heading to meet Sanste half-way.

His golems had found her all right, as much as she hated to admit it, the younger entrants in the tournament had different techniques than she'd ever seen before. Give them a few years and tournaments around Althanas would become pretty interesting.

The mystic had just spotted the teen eagerly heading her way when the trees around her began to fade. The world around her began to turn white, typical of the Ai'Bron magic dying down when one wasn't killed in combat. The mystic smiled and called out to the emptiness, hoping that Sanste could still hear her. "Looks like you've won kid, I hope we meet again."

[Lye]

Thread Title: League A (Division 2): Amber Eyes v. Sanste
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Amber Eyes vs Sanste

---

Plot: 14 --- 15

• Story- 4/10---5/10

Sanste came out strong with the ties to his reason and purpose for being in the battle. This nearly became absent as the game progressed. Hide and seek was a weak premise for any form of competitive event, especially one spanning several posts.

Amber attempted at story with mentions to different Thaynes and some hint towards being a mystic. There also was a touch on her past experiences with younger opponents. Out of the two, her reason for being there and her sense of purpose in the story was weaker. To improve, both could have fleshed out ties to the reason or drive that has them competing in the citadel.

• Setting- 5/10---6/10

Sanste used the dirt for his golems, and the use of his family being tied to the gravestones earned him higher marks. It took the setting Amber laid out and built upon it. Sanste also took a tactical approach on how to find Kyla, which included the typical places to search, and the more unorthodox locations such as back where she came from. Amber struggled with the hiding role, but did use the tree branch as a decoy. It would have been stronger if Kyla would have used her ability to teleport in the shadows to keep the seeking aspect unique. Sanste used several repetative adjectives which could have varied to paint a better scene. Overused words were "chilling", "chill", and "building".

Amber can strengthen her setting by removing mentions of "seemed". It was used three times for situations that either could have been elaborated upon to give the reader an uncertainty via description, or stated plainly as a fact. "...whose pale skin seemed so light compared to his dark hair..." The observation of pale skin to dark hair can be made without without forcing the uncertainty with "seemed". The fireworks also added a curiosity as to why they existed which was never explained.

• Pacing- 5/10---4/10

Sanste's weak point is repeating previous dialogue near verbatim. As a reader, the repeat in dialogue destroys the illusion of the story's alternate world by triggering a nostalgia to recent events. It forces a backtrack that destroys the flow. The straight forward manner of thought and thinking out loud also flattened his character and dragged the posts out. To build upon this, consider more interesting approaches to dialogue or indirect manners of conveying an idea. Instead of, "She tricked me!" try "'There's no way she would...' the boy began, stopped by the realization of the ploy. His eyes narrowed in suspicion, and he offered a grin to his opponent's successful maneuver." It holds the same meaning to the reader, but the deliver is much more captivating. The reader has to keep reading to know what is going on in the scene - it pulls them in.

Amber's writing lacked progression, and aside from the few tactical maneuvers to fool the boy, it also recapped his previous actions. This was not entirely self-defeating, but if paired with more immediate reaction by Kyla, it would have been stronger. Understanding that a longer battle may not have met the deadline, her skills could have flourished more to really make Sanste struggle on the hunt. There could have been a better build of tension using more action - even in a game of hide and seek.

---

Character: 17 --- 13

• Communication- 6/10---4/10

Amber used dialogue very little through the thread, but where she did use it, there was an essence of personality in the tone. The body language also helped to convey certain traits to the reader. The scene of her sitting from prolonged crouching eluded to her relaxation in the situation and lesser determination to win. The usage of the knife to carve the bark was also a ploy to boredom, and conceding the victory to her opponent. Build on these elements of body language with Kyla for a moch stronger impact on your presentation.

Sanste's speech was very matter-of-fact. Very little of what he said eluded to a different agenda or took a tactful approach to how he wanted to present himself to Kyla. Sanste lacked strong body language as well, his highlight moment being the mention of strain his body took to control the excess constructs. Usage of the words "or something" and "other stuff" crippled what could have been opportunities to flourish. Elaborate on the "somethings" and "stuffs" to create a pop to the writing. Usage of "...must have been a mix up or sadistic musings of a deranged official." or "A second eye, nose, ears or barbed tentacles were unnecessary since..." would have been much stronger. Also, watch out for the word "seemed".

• Action-5/10---5/10

For both players, the actions were lacking, but this was to be expected in a match based on hide and seek. To increase the interest, a more dramatic approach to turn the game into one of predator and prey could have been employed. Kyla overused the shadow summoning throughout the thread - the initial usage via shadow dagger completely vanishing in its purpose in the introduction. Both players took tactical moves against one another, but the delivery of which could have been improved to increase more suspense. Sanste would have the better opportunity of the two since his posts could have eluded to a golem thinking Kyla was there, then being let down at the pinnacle moment. Remember, that conflict and drama are the keys to keeping a reader involved in the actions and story.

• Persona- 6/10---4/10

Kyla certainly possesses a strength about her, but this is a gentle strength. This was conveyed well in her emotional reactions to the events and some of the setting. Although the smile in the beginning could have used some indicator to tie into the story, her emotions fleshed out Kyla as a person. More elaboration on why she would not touch a statue of N'Jal or why she was drawn to Jomil would have built her up more.

Sanste's writing did the character little justice as an individual. The main traits to define him is a boy who is lost in his own purpose of life, but wants to become stronger to defend himself and his friend in the face of hardship. Aside from that major point, Sanste feels flat. He thinks a lot and sometimes out lout. The manner of his thoughts also seem plain and straight forward, something one might identify in a very logical, finite thinker. If this lack of vibrancy is a trait of Sanste, it was dead on. Otherwise, try to capture his reactions to situations and flesh out his emotional response using colorful vocabulary. "Frustration bubbled to the surface of his mind." "Beads of sweat formed on his forehead, not due to the cool weather, but to the struggle in maintaining four sentient creatures." "He grit his teeth as yet another location yielded no results." Those would be some examples to try.

---

Prose: 15 --- 16

• Mechanics- 4/10---4/10

Lack of commas abound. One major area that is easily rectified would be the use of two or more adjectives preceding a noun. Both players failed this literary rule. Example: The big, brown dog ran into the small, white house. Amber also missed a hyphen usage for an informal descriptor "brown, paper-like" in the last post. Both players also lacked commas to separate independent clauses from dependent clauses. (ie. In the bright light, the mystic saw the pristine, white building.) "In the bright light" would be the independent clause since it lacks a subject on its own, and "the mystic saw the pristine, white building" would be the dependent clause since it can stand alone as a sentence. This rule also applies to conjunctions when the "or", "and", "but", or "then" join two dependent clauses. (ie. He ran to the building, and he looked around for her.) If it joins a dependent with and independent, you no longer need the comma. (ie. He ran to the building and looked around for her.)

If you would like more clarity on grammar and mechanics, feel free to ask me or look online for tips and tricks.

• Clarity- 5/10---6/10

Amber's writing held the most canon references but left cliffhangers as to why there were mentioned or why she reacted the way she did. These have been mentioned above, and any form of elaboration would have assisted in strengthening the clarity. Aside from those reader curiosities, eliminate the usage of "seemed" where possible. It can be used to great effect in high tension conversation or to build upon a mysterious ambiance but needs to be tactfully used. Small sentences work best. "It seemed... wrong." Complete elimination of the word would be better.

Sanste was very clear in his writing, but could use a less straight forward approach. Use of colorful adjectives or eluding to a point would greatly increase the interest while still maintaining your clarity.

• Technique- 6/10---6/10

This area was close because overall, Amber's writing possessed more flare and confidence in the presentation. Sanste makes a tie here because the usage of his grave in the beginning set such a magnificent tone to the overall feel of his predicament. Very effective use of foreshadowing. Aside from that, more usage of basic literary techniques would benefit both writers. More similes (ie The grass was soft as goose down.), metaphors (ie. Sanste's hands were the forges to birth his two golems.), personification (ie. The moonlight smiled upon the mystic, radiating off her fair skin.), and overall imagery (colorful vocabulary to set the scene) would greatly strengthen both player's writing.

---

Wildcard: 7 --- 7

Overall, well done considering the level gap. Amber stayed true to Kyla's image and Sanste struck home with that opening usage of the grave stones. Sanste, keep up your improvements and you're going to make it big. Amber, be a little more finite in your descriptions. If you begin to turn over a stone, look under it for the reader just a tad. Overall, awesome usage of lore. I'm giving Amber high marks for her play off canon and Sanste a high mark for that usage of the tombstones. You really impressed me with that one. Good work, both of you.

---

Final Score: 53---51

Amber Eyes Wins!:

• 2,750 EXP!
• 55 GP!

Congratulations!


Sanste Receives:

• 825 EXP!
• 28 GP!

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!