Words With Friends

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

Tobias Stalt is not a bad person. He is a man with a sound moral code; one that may clash with the companies he keeps, but a sound one nonetheless. It was admirable. I fully trusted him to keep his word and deliver my message to Ashla.

Not just for her sake, but for our sake too. I was fully confident in our ability to crush the young girl, but I too wasn't in the mood to fight another war. I had just executed a very grueling coup, wrenching control of the Order from Lichensith's hands. I am in the process of breaking that poor, misguided bastard and reforming him into something more... useful, I guess you could say. I had fires to put out caused by that wretch Zack Blaze and his outing of our participation in Eiskalt. I'm praying that Ciato doesn't tell the rest of his family what really happened to Kyla, lest I have to deal with that mess as well.

I have so much to manage now, and so much planning to do. I cannot handle another annoying pest like Icebreaker right now. I do not have the patience, I do not have the willpower, I do not have the energy.

I took a deep breath, and let it out. "You are a good man, Tobias. May the next time we meet be under good circumstances." I picked up the gold he left on the table as well as my empty plate and glass, and walked inside the tavern.

[Tobias Stalt]

"And you're a dangerous woman who cares greatly for her friends," Tobias replied quietly as she disappeared into the Tavern. It was sad, in a way, that a chapter of his life had ended. The attempts on his life would cease by the Order of the Crimson Hand. A chill sensation like completion rushed through him and sent a shiver over his flesh. He nervously glanced down at his hand. "Free," he remarked, testing the word. It tasted hollow, bitter.

As he turned and stepped into a sea of bodies, Tobias found himself awash, but without any fear. A cat hissed on a wall in the distance, and the ex-soldier strained to see where the sound had come from. He had formed a habit of jumping at shadows, and in the wake of a conversation with a positive outcome, he wondered why he had already started to miss the terror. "What now?" he asked himself quietly.

He glanced up and saw the three girls from before. The pretty one with blonde hair scowled at him, and her brown haired friend ducked slightly behind her. The dark haired one opted to step forward toward him as he stopped several feet in front of them. "Ye've a lot of nerve, marchin' over 'ere after that nasty look ye gave Chandra," came her saucy voice. Tobias could already tell, this woman had fire in her blood. It brought a smile to his face as he thought of Camille. "Whaddyew wan', eh? Out wi' it!"

"Why," Tobias flashed a winning smile as he held a hand out toward the brunette, Chandra, "I wanted to apologize for my wretched behavior," he said charmingly. "I've been without sleep for several days. The boat ride in was less than pleasant."

The doe eyed girl blinked several times before she hesitantly stepped out and touched his hand. Her smile was awkward and fragile, but he swept her fingers to his lips and let them dance across. "Tobias," he greeted, "and you have a lovely name, Chandra." Her face was on fire. She stared into amber eyes and found herself lost. Well, he chuckled to himself, some things never change. Before dawn the next day, he would make his way west, across the wilds of Salvar. Tonight, though...

"I sleep terribly alone," he whispered in Chandra's ear as he leaned close enough to secret the words to her. She giggled tremendously. "Would you care to help me get a good night's rest?"

"Oh Tobias," she gasped, "I'd love that."

[Philomel]

Thread Title: Words With Friends
Judgment Type: Condenscened Rubric
Participants: BlackAndBlueEyes and Tobias Stalt

Story: 22

For story here, between you two, you weave a great tale of a quiet scene but of something that is going to have devastating consequences. It had a good development, from the beginning of just sitting down for drinks to finally mentioning Ashla Icebreaker and P.A.L.E.; alluding to many things that could occur after. The Plot itself had little that occurred in terms of action but much that happened in terms of ideas and future decisions, so this dot not affect your score.
Setting, however, was largely forgotten after the first post, though it did have an excellent description at the beginning. As a general note it is good to bring it into writing every so often, even if just a mention of a stain on a tavern tankard, for instance. Rightly, it was brought into focus a couple of times, such as in post 7.
All in all the story was strong and started well though seemed to end a little poorly without much focus. There is the potential, after these “words with friends” for further plots and possible threads, however the ending could have done with more focus and power. This is a minor weakness, however, and can be easily focused on by making sure all threads are tied at the end of a story. This story was a delight to read as it did not have much action but had so much depth, which is a hard art to get right, and here it was done excellently.

Character: 21

Character here is discussed entirely on an individual status.
BlackAndBlueEyes: All in all you used the three sections of character well, though each post did rely on one at a particular time. In post 1 you had specifically only one word of dialogue, and then these statistics developed to almost all dialogue in post 5, and then a great amount of dialogue dominating after. For displaying your character the first-person narrative thoughts do show a great amount of strong persona and personal morals and ideals. Action is less used throughout the piece, majorly because of the situation, but it worked well in subtle details, such as Maddison using her vines to pull Tobias closer to the table. Her thoughts and internal dialogue do give a clear picture of who she herself is - however, you could do with a greater equal balance of all of the pieces of Character together (Dialogue, Action and Persona) within each post and throughout the thread overall to have a more successful flow - yet, only to a small extent as really the words here carry the true worth of the story.
Tobias Stalt: Your methods of showing a character never cease to amaze. You display through the sublties of your writing a man who is still “lost,” as you describe his occupation to be, and somewhat indecisive. Similar to BlackAndBlueEyes you have a good grasp of your character and do not deviate from his personality - until post 8 where he seems a little fast to say that he will follow Ashla Icebreaker. Some development could have been done here, perhaps with a little more action and internal thoughts to show Tobias’ personal feelings between the two Power Groups. However, aside from this, you did well in consistency showing us your character so well done.

Writing: 23

Regarding mechanics, your only real downfall was a couple of times when dialogue and action were in the same paragraph, when a line of dialogue should always have its own paragraph, with the accompanying clause. That being said, however, this sin was only committed once in post 1 and later on near the end. Else, all punctuation was good and there was no glaring spelling mistakes.
This thread was extremely impressive because of its ability to almost completely avoid the old technique of telling and not showing. In post 5 you used the clever method of having Maddison relate the story of the Crimson Hands to Tobias in form of information and history at the same time as informing the reader of such, so well done here. It was also littered with encouraging language and good descriptions such as the beginning of post 7 with, “turned me cold in despite of the warmth of the sun’s rays” and a couple of other metaphors and similes mentioned, as well as good language in general - “deigned” by Tobias in post 6. There could have been more in terms of ambitious language, such as imagery - continuing the idea of a busy tavern perhaps and relating to this in thoughts of your characters - however, mostly well done.

Wildcard: 7

For storytelling in general and introducing a great new possible relationship into Althanas, this thread gets wildcard points for both originality and having story without massive amounts of action - for producing the power of story through subtlety and words, proving their true worth.
The pen is mightier than the sword - Edward Bulwar-Lytton 1839

Total Score: 73 / 100

Rewards:

BlackAndBlueEyes:
1055 EXP
90 GP

Tobias Stalt:
820 EXP
90 GP

All rewards given with a minor descretion amount because of a very good thread here.

[Hysteria]

EXP and Gold added.