Round 1 Group 6

[Taste of Treason]

My body ached. I could feel my heart racing and I wished for nothing but sleep. I didn’t understand this battle. How could I be of any significance in a fight I had no desire to be a part of?

Madison appeared with no warning and soon she and my captor were sizing each other up. The conversation was impossible to follow as every few words I would feel myself lose consciousness. It was as if someone were pulling me away.

Sulla held me tightly. I had no hope of escape. I would be crushed beneath two titans as soon as the toying stopped. I imagined myself slowly sinking into the decayed forest floor. I closed my eyes tightly and prayed for an end.

“Shit!” Suddenly I was pulled from my half-dream. It took a long moment to realize that I was no longer held in place. Something, or someone had convinced the man to let me go. I did not stand around long enough to find out what. Every exhausted muscle in my body tensed as I ran with all my might. I didn’t look back. All I could do was run. Tree limbs stung my face as I forced my way into the dense forest. I could feel sweat dripping down my back and my hair whipped from side to side. I had never pushed myself this hard.

I can’t say for how long I ran. The sunlight was weak as it broke the treetops when I finally let myself stop. I fell to my knees and then gave into my tired body. I laid my head on the cool soil and felt myself sink into the ground. I wasn’t afraid anymore. After all of this, I was prepared for whatever came. I would embrace death if it meant never again stepping foot in this horrid place.

My last thought was of the beautiful forest I’d entered just hours before and just how much we’d both changed.

The warmth hit me suddenly. I opened my tired eyes and stretched. My body ached terribly, but I was alive. The flowers around the clearing filled my nostrils with sweetness and my makeshift bed seemed to hold me tighter with each passing moment. I didn’t want to move. I wanted to stay a part of this perfect moment for as long as possible.

A gentle voice filled the air and I forced myself to grudgingly sit up.

“I hope you are well rested.” The sunlight hid her face, but there was no doubt who the voice belonged to.

I stammered as I pulled myself up. “I...I did, thank you.” I backed away slowly, half afraid, half saddened at losing my little sanctuary.

“There is no reason to fear me Cellar. If I’d wanted you harmed it would have been too easy to accomplish.” She stepped closer and smiled. “In truth, I find you rather interesting. It isn’t often such an average human catches my attention.”

“Then how did I?” The question left my lips despite my fear. Curiosity always seemed to win against good judgment in my life. I stared hard at the thick green grass.

“I will die soon.”

My head jolted up.

“No, let me finish. I have known for some time that my end was near. I do not fear the end. My goal is not to save myself, but to find those worthy of carrying on my power. I have watched many enter my home in the last days. Few have stood out. You, you are special.”

I couldn’t hold my tongue any longer. “I am as ordinary as it comes.”

“No, true you have no extraordinary power, but there is more to you than most would know. I’ve seen your memories, I’ve shared your body. You, Cellar Door, are untainted by the ideals of most men. You believe in personal responsibility, that the world is not black and white, but endless shades of gray. You, are capable of carrying on part of me.”

My eyes must have given away my confusion. I took a step closer.

“Not my power. Magic would only ruin the things that make you strongest. Yes, little one, you are strong. Not just anyone could have taken control of themselves as often as you did during our little adventure. I’m sure you met my faithful servant Madison. She will live on as a symbol of my strength. You, you will live on as a symbol of my knowledge. Look around you. None other has seen the true beauty of this place in many years. I will pass on all my knowledge if you only make me one promise.”

I couldn’t resist. The knowledge of centuries of both man and Thayne? “Of course.”

“Do not try to change the course that is already in place. There is no use in it. Fate does exist, despite your beliefs. My fate is already settled.”

“But if I can….”

“No. This is the promise I require.”

I said nothing for a long moment. Pode had saved me even after I’d entered this forest to strike her down. I owed her everything. ”I...I promise.”

She closed the few steps between us and placed her hand upon my forehead. I could hear the wind gently blowing through the trees. A bird chirped in the distance. The earth beneath me moved slowly.

And then everything was quiet.

[BlackAndBlueEyes]

The clicking of the flintlock mechanism as I pulled back the hammer on The Last Resort echoed through the forest, the ticking of a clock's hands as they counted down the seconds until someone met their ultimate fate. Sulla, ready in a moment's notice to slash the throat of one Cellar Door, froze as I pressed the barrel of the revolver lightly into the back of his skull. It wasn't the kind of freeze that was born out of fear; instead, it was more like he froze simply because it would be very inconvenient for him to try anything stupid.

"Let her go," I commanded him.

To my surprise, Sulla obliged. The murderer slowly moved the razor away from the young girl's throat and removed his arm from around her. The second she was free, Cellar took off into the forest. The Red Witch will take care of her now, I thought to myself as I watched her bolt.

"So, let me guess," the killer said rather calmly considering his situation, "you're an acolyte too?"

I could hear the mirth in his voice, and it did nothing but annoy me even further. "That's none of your business," I said after a brief pause.

I practically heard his grin widen as he thought about my pause. "You are... Well now, isn't that interesting..."

"Shut up," I snapped. "Why did you kidnap the girl and run off?"

"Isn't it obvious? To kill a god, just like everyone else in this cursed wood is trying to do." Sulla winced slightly as I dug the barrel of the gun further into the back of his head. "I suppose the more important question is why did you come rescue that little whore? I thought you were better than that."

Cellar, I thought. "Because that's what she wants." I started pulling my finger back on the trigger, a litany of voices screaming in my head to just fire the damn thing and blow this creepy fuck's brains out. "I'm only here to see that she sees through to the end--an end that she tells me will not come by your hand."

"But is that what you want?"

"I'm sorry?"

"You heard me, Madison." Sulla slowly began to turn around to face me, his dead eyes staring deep into my very soul behind his thin glasses, a scowl etched onto his face. He showed no fear at the prospect of me putting an iron bullet between his eyes the moment my trigger finger got an itch. "Is that what you want? To stand by and watch as the idol you've dedicated your life to pats you on the head and turns her attentions towards others who may be more worthy of her gifts, her love than you are?"

You son of a--! I moved the barrel of the gun to the left, right next to his ear and over his shoulder, and pulled the trigger. The rapport ripped through the forest like thunder, the ashen bark of a dead tree splintering as the bullet embedded itself into the trunk. Before Sulla could react, I cocked back the hammer and aimed the smoking weapon directly at his face once more.

[Sulla]

The gunshot right next to my head served more than just a warning. I could hear that crack of my eardrum, and then the dull hum and sharp pain that followed it nearly sent me reeling back. I had to wince, but regained some semblance of control of myself in the face of Madison. She’d caused me to release my quarry and attempted to keep me at her mercy, but I would give her neither the time nor satisfaction to lord the position over me. I looked into her cold eyes to sense a maelstrom of emotions poorly hidden behind them. Had she the sense to, she would finish me off as quickly as possible. But I could guess at Madison’s nature well enough to know she derived some pleasure from the power over life and death, especially in regards to an enemy. I never doubted my survival for a second.

“Misdirected anger,” I hissed. “I didn’t compromise your trust. No doubt I performed exactly as you expected.” I peppered each syllable with a taste of the pain I felt in my ruptured ear. It gave my tone a wonderful bite needed to truly drive my point home. “But here you are, unable to unleash all those pent up feelings on who really hurt you; the hypocrite god and her pet champion. Most mythic heroes turn to misotheism in such when their gods forsake them. I’m glad you’re one to stare into the face of reason before turning a blind eye to it.”

I felt Madison press the barrel of the gun hard into my forehead; were the metal any sharper, it may well have bore a hole straight into my skull. My heart felt as if it would give out any minute, so exhausted from its constant pace. Time slowed to a crawl and the world seemed to vanish around me. The setting of the sun, the change in the air, even the vine that had ripped at me earlier; none of it existed at that moment. All I saw and felt was the cold touch of steel on my head.

“Do you think I won’t pull this trigger to end your fucking speech? You have no idea what Podë has done - “

“That’s the thing, sweet Madison. I know what she has done, because I know what all gods have done - fuck all.” I took advantage of the surprise she felt at that moment, lifting slowly off the ground with my hands raised and the gun still at my temple. Fear is not an emotion I’ve ever been capable of experiencing in full. In truth, I’m often envious of those I hunt when I catch that sharp glimmer in their eyes. Terror at its most true and blinding seems such an opportunity at awe. But whenever danger has reared itself in such a way that I’ve seen the strings of fate snip from my coil, I’ve always felt something very different. There is a worry, no more than a whisper, that all that I am and all my potential will be snuffed out in that instant. Yet at the forefront, I feel that pumping excitement in me. My body takes the concept of a threat, and gives my muscles and mind everything they need to run on instinct. Looming destruction isn’t to be avoided, it’s a drug to be chased. Every second I spoke, I could feel Madison fluctuate in hesitation, anger, sorrow, distrust, hatred, revilement – the die was cast, and there was no telling what side it would land on.

“You’re nothing to her. You’re a fucking ant at a picnic, waiting for scraps and near the business end of a boot. You won’t kill her,” she said, biting her bottom lip like a sullen child.

“But I really, really want to.” Face to face with her, I had a chance. My eyes darted rapidly around the clearing for the closest edge of forest to enter. No doubt the Red Witch would hamper my escape, but logic and reason would give way to my animal’s cunning in those woods. “Ants don’t ruin picnics, Madison. But me? I’m the homemade pickled relish that turns toxic when improperly preserved. I’m the carriage driver who gets drunk on the way to the fairground and takes the slipperiest path. I’m not the rain, I’m the lightning. I don’t just ruin picnics; I make people afraid to even utter the fucking word outside a hushed warning.” Madison moved a little closer to me, tempted by my challenge. She met her hard-ass eyes to my steely gaze. I almost pitied her.

“Your smart mouth is going to get you killed, you know that?” The gun’s barrel moved to just between my eyes. The smirk on her face was sickening, but she was too focused on the moment and the poetry that dripped from it. She never saw my foot dig a bit into the earth and the mound of dirt I collected on the toe of my boot.

“You know the worst thing about a sharp tongue?” I watched her shake her head back and forth so slightly, but the movement jarred her enough not to notice my wince. With all my resolve, I bit into the tip of my tongue, not hard enough to sever, but enough to draw warm, copper blood. I paused and feigned a smile as it welled up inside my cheeks. Confusion flushed her face, and that was my cue to strike. I spit all the spray right in her eyes as I swept my right hand around to meet her gun. I pushed it to my left and twisted my body in the opposite direction.

As she recoiled in disgust, she had enough sense to keep ahold of her weapon, forcing it back blindly in my direction. The gun went off, though the bullet only left a deep graze on my shoulder. The pain was searing and fast, but I had no time to nurse my wounds. I fell to the ground and gathered the mount of dirt I’d made earlier, flinging it to mingle with the blood on the she-plant’s face, all as I rolled clumsily towards her legs, knocking her off her feet for a moment. But a moment was all I needed. I got up clutching my wound and throwing my head back from time to time to make sure I had enough clearance to make it into the thicket. The woods embraced me as they never had. I had no time to skulk, only to crouch and run, lest another shot of fire take me down.

Podë’s power was in everything in this forest. Each stomping beast and twisted tree, and even several agents she’d gifted with her maleficent visions. But if her regency relied on such poor castle walls, what was left of its queen?

[Max Dirks]

This thread was an easy read that hooked me after the party split up following the ambush. Storywise, you did excellent. You all established your character's reasons for participating in the cleansing early and quickly added your characters individual charms. However, despite the easy reading and fast pace of action in the thread, I was unable to give you a higher pacing score because of the muddled use of active v. passive time in this thread. On several occasions one player would advance the thread utilizing active time only to have another character rehash the previous actions, hurting the flow of your writing.

Character wise, I think you did a fine job with action. The forest setting was mentioned, but became secondary to the violent actions taken by Madison and Sulla and the thread, which was awesome. Persona was one of the weaker parts of this thread. Elthas' metaknowledge of the bandit's locations and general withdrawal from the rest of the part did not help here. Similarly, Cellar's sudden willingness to be the vessel of knowledge for Pode was abrupt and not well developed. Finally, while I enjoyed Madison's jealousy and internal conflict regarding Pode's choices, BlackandBlueEyes' character was hurt by his writing. Non-chalant, somewhat aloof Madison was not what I expected following the introduction. She did not become the ruthless killer I expected until she slaughtered the marauder and confronted Sulla. Sulla, on the other hand, stayed true to his character and really kept me from offering a lower score here.

Core mechanics in this thread were fine. I only noted the occasional run-on that caused me to read twice. Elthas, be sure to include commas or semi-colons when there are natural breaks in your writing. Sometimes your flow of thought was hard to read. Technique was good, particularly due to the foreshadowing involving Cellar. You had some missed opportunities with similes, metaphors and imagery given the forest, though. The weakest part of the quest was clarity. It was clear that you guys were writing the story together (VIA Google Docs, if I recall right), but that gave you a familarity over your characters and NPCs that were not readily apparent to the reader. Cellar would create cute nicknames for people, but I had no clue as to which NPC she was referring. The concept of "show don't tell" also became an issue here, as I suspected it might due to the 1st person writing. Both BlackandBlueEyes and to a minor extent, Cellar Door, were guilty of this. At one point, BlackandBlueEyes wrote, "I felt betrayed. I felt cast aside. I felt like she didn't trust me...It hurt...And it made me angry." I can't think of any better example of telling the reader what to feel rather than letting them figure it out on your own. Realistically, Madison's slaughter of the bandit expressed how she was feeling better than that (albeit well formatted) prose that I quoted above ever could.

Judgment Group 6 (Taste of Treason, BlackandBlueEyes, Sulla)

Story - 8
Setting - 7
Pacing - 6
Communication - 6
Action - 7
Persona - 5
Mechanics - 7
Technique - 6
Clarity - 5
Wildcard - 6

Total - 63/100

Taste of Treason receives 655 EXP and 76 GP
BlackandBlueEyes receives 957 EXP and 76 GP
Sulla receives 554 EXP and 76 GP

[Lye]

EXP & GP Added!