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Thread: The Gnarled Roots of Osiris II: The Council of Five (solo)

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    The Gnarled Roots of Osiris II: The Council of Five (solo)

    ((A short, direct sequel to The Gnarled Roots of Osiris and the second of a three part story arc.))

    Garah City, Telgradia

    Present day

    Captain Telos Soltair was a successful and respected member of the Royal Guard, Telgradia’s elite warriors, and a damned good teacher. Ever since the completion of his academy in Garah’s city centre for young Telgradians wishing to join the King’s army, Telos had earned the plaudits from Garah’s citizens and his fellow peers. Mostly, it was for his work in educating the children of what was expected of them, in both a life of soldiering for the King and a life they would later build for their families in Telgradia once their service had come to an end. However, the academy aside, a certain measure of admiration was saved also for his talents as one of the five recognised Royal Guard captains who ranked as the five strongest of Telgradia’s warriors.

    His college had only a single classroom in which to conduct his lessons, and it was always oversubscribed, but Telos didn’t mind. It was a splendid place for a teacher to do his job, actually. After negotiating for several months with the army, he had managed to acquire several pieces of fine furniture, even books and the odd tapestry to make it feel more like a library than a classroom. In the quiet times, after studies had concluded, Telos could recline in his chair and sip whatever fine brandy his companions were drinking back at the barracks in peace. He loved the silence after a hard day’s teaching. Of course, he loved giving the kids of Garah their lessons, but the quiet time was truly the best gift given to him in the knowledge the next day would always start loudly again for him.

    He was, after all, a man of peace.

    At exactly 9am on Monday morning, Telos was standing at the front of his cozy, book-laden classroom, flanked by the kneeling forms of all the children who’d come in for their lessons. The captain was dressed in his favoured Royal Guard robes, consisting of the traditional black uniform with silver buttons and a flowing white Haori with great, wide sleeves. They were old to be sure, and a little frayed at the edges, but they had moulded to his form perfectly. A pair of soft, hazel eyes peered out from underneath a curtain of matted black hair and fell upon the students curiously. As he spoke, Telos’s thin designer stubble around his jaw and chin drew back and fell forward repeatedly.

    “So, kids, does anyone know what this is?”

    Telos reached down to the table in front of him and picked up an ivory sheathed weapon. With a steady, hairy hand, the Captain unsheathed it and held it aloft for all to see. The sword was the shape of a Katana and about a metre in length. The guard and hilt were crafted from beautiful, smooth crystal strips that interlaced perfectly to the flange and glistened in the morning light.

    “It’s a sword!” Exclaimed a young boy sitting in the front row as the sun bounced off his golden hair and illuminated his excited face.

    “Very good,” Telos said, nodding at the young boy. “But, I wonder, does anyone know what type of sword it is?”

    Another boy, sat a row back, bowed his head and ran his fingers of his right hand through his brown mop haircut. Then, as the answer came to him, he leapt up and waggled his arm around vigorously as if his life depended on it.

    “It’s a Kurai sword! My dad has one of those!”

    Telos raised his head and turned to look at the lad, who stared back with intense blue eyes. The captain smiled warmly, clapping his hands together in appeasement.

    “Very good! Now, the Kurai sword is the single most important tool in a Telgradian’s life. You see, the sword contains a piece of each of its owner’s soul, making it very special!”

    A young girl with curly brown hair and freckles, perhaps no older than eight years old, put a finger to the corner of her mouth and chewed on the fingernail. She took a moment and allowed her developing mind to establish a chain of logic before asking her question.

    “So, is it alive?”

    Telos grinned to himself. They were cottoning on quick, and although they wouldn’t grasp the whole picture until a lot later in life, he felt that his kids were going to be just fine.

    “Yes, and no. Each Telgradian’s soul is split in half when they get a sword like this. One half stays in the body, and the other half is sealed inside the sword! Then, each half of the soul begins to heal and becomes whole again!”

    The brown haired boy a row back piped up again. “So, in the end, my dad has one soul and his sword has a soul too?”

    “You’re a smart one!” Telas jabbed a finger at the young lad emphatically and winked. “Your dad and his Kurai sword are linked to each other, like brothers! This means that your dad can talk to the sword, and the sword to him. Sometimes, he will even be able to release the seal on the sword and use that soul’s power! The stronger the soul and the connection are, the more powerful the sword becomes!”

    A bespectacled kid to Telos’s left joined the fray, pushing the gold rim of his round glasses back up his nose. “My dad says his sword has a name. Is that true?”

    “Yes, each Kurai has a name,” Telos replied with a soft smile. He snapped his fingers crisply and pointed at the child with the glasses in a way only a charismatic teacher could do. “In fact, kiddo, they have three names, depending on the stage of release. There’s stage one, which is called Kurai. Stage two is called Senkai, and stage three is the most powerful, called Senkai Shinjitsu. However, only really strong people can use Senkai and Senkai Shinjitsu.”

    The kid with the glasses seemed awed by Telos’s feast of information. A wide grin covered his chubby cheeked features and his young eyes glittered playfully. He saw no reason to stop feeding on the teacher’s informative morsels, and pried for more.

    “What’s the name of your Kurai, Captain Telos?”

    Telos flicked his hair back with a deft wave of the hand, and folded his arms with a smile. “Odayakana Kaze. It means ‘Calm Wind’. Its Senkai release is called Hana Kaze, which means ‘Blossoming Wind’.”

    “That’s so cool Captain Telos! What about your Senkai Shinjitsu? I bet it’s really powerful!”

    Telos chuckled heartily. His students were quite the inquisitive bunch today. “One day, when you’re all grown up, maybe I’ll show you. Now, kids, I think we need to move on…”

    There was a moment’s pause. Then, suddenly, one kid broke ranks and stood up, raising his hand as high as possible to the sky. Telos regarded him with a curious expression, wondering what on earth was so important a question it required such a sudden movement.

    “Is it more powerful than Enpera?”

    The question from the little boy’s mouth struck the class like a gunshot. The moment’s silence that followed felt like an eternity to everyone in the room, and after what felt like an age, the silence was shattered.

    “Shut up Xun! We aren’t supposed to talk about that, its taboo!” A voice hissed to his classmate.

    Telos closed his eyes and breathed a soft sigh. He was a patient man, and no kid would ever really burn through the Captain’s almost limitless stock of patience. That's why he had been chosen by the Council of Five to be a teacher. But, even so, the hissing voice was right: all talk of Shinsou Vaan Osiris and his historical crusade against Telgradia was taboo. Enpera was Shinsou’s sword, an instrument of destruction in itself, and to discuss it in a classroom in front of children would surely be inappropriate at best. The Captain wondered, though, what would happen if he didn’t answer the question. After all, it was often said in Telgradia that those who do not learn from the past are sure to repeat it. Perhaps it was time for people to hear the truth.

    “…No, it’s alright, I can answer that last question. Xun, the truth is that Enpera was the most powerful Kurai sword on the face of Telgradia. I only ever got to see its Senkai, Enpera Hitsugi, once…and I’m glad about that. It was definitely more powerful than mine.”

    Telos trailed off when he looked up and saw the silhouette of a figure stood in the empty doorway. It was one of the Royal Guard’s messenger girls, only usually sent in urgent circumstances where primary communications via magic were not practicable between high-ranking Captains.

    He knew what this meant.

    “Captain Telos? Emergency Captain’s meeting in thirty minutes.”

    He shuffled his feet with a groan, placing both hands on the small of his back and popping it with a crack.

    “I’ll be right there.”

    He was privately glad that the sudden appearance of the messenger girl had cut his story short. Still, he couldn’t really complain too much about the student’s question. Telgradia needed more people taking an interest in its chequered past rather than distancing themselves from it, and perhaps future generations could glean something from the conflict if they tried to understand it and the reasons behind its brutality. Hell, maybe even his generation could learn a great deal from it.

    With a final wave of the hand, Telos dismissed the messenger, and collected his belongings from his desk. He turned to the sea of disappointed young faces in front of him.

    "I'll have someone come in and take over. Be nice to them, ok?"

    With that said, the gruff Telos Soltair bustled out of the room purposefully and left the academy behind him. Now, he was headed to the palace.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-26-15 at 10:45 AM.

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  2. #2
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    Corone

    Present evening

    The fire pit occupied the centre of a clearing just off the coastal path of Corone’s northern side. Several weather beaten and rough looking men sat around the coals, their black coats and fleeces crumpled from a night in the open and their worn faces illuminated by the flickers of the dancing flames in front of them. There were no complaints of the cold, and as they talked in hushed tones they sharpened their weapons and waited patiently for their freshly plucked chicken to cook on a spit.

    Perched on the trunk of a fallen oak, Shinsou vaan Osiris peered out from underneath his hood. Although it now felt like a lifetime ago, it had only been a few weeks since he had stopped Keats from prematurely reviving Temperance in the Cartographer and subsequently parted ways with the unusual but heroic Gnarloc.

    As he stared blankly into the fire, he wondered if he would ever meet that Telgradian prisoner again. If he did, he had a lot to thank him for.

    For now, though, he had to worry about himself and, as the heat of the fire licked at his cold cheeks, Shinsou looked around at his newest entourage. An untrained eye would have observed that Shinsou was the boy amongst men in this congregation of giants – his young, infallible complexion and relatively meagre frame looking out of place in a group of battle hardened former rangers – but that wasn’t the case. There wasn’t another man amongst them who could kill, and had killed, as many and as efficiently as Shinsou had done in his chequered past. Yes, the rangers were tough. After all, that’s why he had hired them as an escort. And, yes, they were experienced, and the gold he had paid them up front measured up to this. But they were men of brute strength, for the most part. Whilst muscle and hired loyalty were good for the perils Althanas would no doubt throw at him, it would count for very little against what he expected Telgradia to send his way in the coming months.

    Even so, hiring such a contingent wasn’t just a token gesture. In the past there wasn’t a Telgradian captain alive who could best Shinsou vaan Osiris and Enpera, but Shinsou needed time to recover both his power and the rest of his long term memories, a process which could last days, weeks, months or even years for all he knew. Even then, there was no guarantee he could regain a hundred percent of his power, especially with Enpera missing.

    Shinsou mulled this all over as he pulled a chargrilled chicken leg from a makeshift wooden griddle in front of him and sunk his teeth into the tender, juicy meat. The fire was only small now, but it kept the edge of the midnight chill away and had cooked their food perfectly.

    The leader of the rangers, a man by the name of Bane Stark, spat into the coals just to hear the sizzle as his saliva evaporated. He was built like a house, with monstrous shoulders that were barely concealed by his coat. He sported a year-old black beard with thin sideburns meeting a sort of crew cut on top; a proper ranger’s haircut. A giant custom double-edged sword, which was basically two great broadswords welded together at their hilts, lay at his feet and the flawless steel of its blades glimmered in the fire, proving itself to be the most well-kept of all of the weapons gathered in the clearing.

    The man threw a bare chicken bone into the flames, and turned to Shinsou.

    “Do you drink, Shinsou?”

    Shinsou, brushing a hand through his brown locks, thought about the question. Do I drink? I don’t really know, but it’s probably a good time to start.

    As he shrugged, his breath hit the cold night’s air and turned to steam.

    “I’ll drink.”

    Bane repositioned a four gallon-jug of ale he had by his side onto his shoulder, smiling heartily at Shinsou, and then walked over and dropped it at the Telgradian’s feet. The tree trunk creaked under the strain of Bane’s weight as he sat next to Shinsou, who had poured himself a sizable cup of the ranger’s beer. The ranger stroked his beard thoughtfully, and lowered his voice just enough to stay out of earshot of his men.

    “The way we operate is simple, mate,” He started, struggling to restrain his gruff, bellowing voice. “we don’t usually ask questions where gold is concerned. We’re professional, and we’ll always do our job as long as you keep up your end of the bargain. But, no-one has ever paid us up front before, not to the tune of what we asked of you. So, what’s the story?”

    Shinsou gulped down the ale. As it hit the back of his throat, he could taste and smell the strength of the stuff, and decided that one was all he really needed, wiping his mouth with the corner of his sleeve. “I thought you never asked questions?” He said.

    “I rarely do,” the ranger replied, “but if my men are in harm’s way, even for pay, there will be things I want to know. Surely you understand that?”

    Shinsou nodded. Turning his attentions to the man’s question, he wondered how much he could, and should, tell the ranger abut his plight. He barely knew him and there was too much to explain in the first place, but he figured that it was probably better out in the open if it meant this entourage were to operate at their best.

    No secrets, no problems.

    “I come from a place called Telgradia,” Shinsou said, gazing into the dying fire. “and soon, I expect, I shall become their quarry. This is part of the reason I need you.”

    “Telgradia? Never heard of it.” Bane retorted, picking up his weapon. He began to polish the surfaces of the two blades with a rag. “What did you do to piss them off?”

    “That’s a matter of perception,” Shinsou said, “but from their point of view, I am a traitor. I once led their armies, and then I turned against them and waged war.”

    Bane raised an eyebrow and shrugged. “Traitors, cowards, heroes; I’ve worked for them all. I can tell just by looking at you there’s more to this than meets the eye, so spit it out.”

    Shinsou nodded. “The truth is a lot more involved. Three years ago, I led their armies to victory over an Outlands rebellion. The reality was that I was using that conflict to find Telgradia’s missing Princess, Rhovani. She had been taken to the Telgradian Outlands by an army of evil beasts known as the Jal Shey and was far beyond the reach of any of the Monarchy’s forces. She was offered up as a sacrifice to power a terrible Jal Shey weapon called Temperance. By the time I got there, she was dead, and Temperance saw my potential and possessed me, turning me against Telgradia.”

    Bane stared into the glowing coals of the dying fire, his eyes fixated on the embers. “So, your treachery was forced upon you?”

    Shinsou nodded. “It gets better. With me at the helm of the Jal Shey, we marched against Telgradia, destroying everything and everyone in our path. But the further I travelled from the Outlands, the weaker the connection was with Temperance. I eventually severed that link twenty five miles from the city limits of Garah, our capital. As a result of being tied to Temperance for so long I had managed to glimpse into its mind. Doing so drained it of the rest of its life, forcing it to seal itself away for five years.”

    Bane didn’t look up. Instead, he reached down for one of the three bags by his side and flung the first untied sack at the fire. The canvas thing spun through mid air, spreading its powdered contents all over the glowing embers. As the silver dust struck the heart of the glowing coals, the flames roared back to life and the campfire was restored to its former glory.

    “In the meantime, I saw its desire; to burn all worlds, raze all life and be the sole survivor of the chaos. Telgradia, Althanas; entire planets indiscriminately incinerated. I realised then, alone in the plains outside Garah with Telgradia’s might bearing down on me, my only chance to do something about it would be to prevent my destruction by faking my defeat.”

    Bane frowned. “Why do that?”

    Shinsou shrugged. “If I had taken Telgradia on directly, they would have mobilised the Council of Five, their most powerful warriors. They would have destroyed me entirely, even with all the power at my disposal at the time. By being captured, I-.”

    His voice was cut dead by something moving in the corner of his eye, followed by the sound of snapping twigs. He shot glances to each of the rangers present, who with such precision and synchronization ceased their talking and rested their hands on the hilts of their weapons. Bane, still mid-way through cleaning and stripping down his unusual sword, put a finger to his lips and motioned for the party to be silent, slowly reaching down and clasping his blade within his massive, anvil sized hands.

    Stay silent, but be ready. The burly ranger whispered to Shinsou, who nodded in reply. The Telgradian’s fingers clenched around an invisible hilt of air, the basis of which would form the guard of his Dark Lance if so required to be called upon.

    Suddenly, all went very, very quiet.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 10-29-15 at 11:16 AM.

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  3. #3
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    Whitevale Town, Corone

    Two hours prior


    “We’re making our move tonight?” One of the two hooded figures asked, standing by the open window in the lodger’s quarters of the Drum and Monkey Inn.

    The township of Whitevale on Corone’s coast was mostly asleep and now plunged into the darkness of night, the sun having been nothing but a memory since seven o’clock that evening. It seemed like a ghost town, and as one of the figures peered from the latern-lit window into the distance, he felt as if he were occupying a small lighthouse placed in the centre of an endless sea of ink. The only thing that disturbed the peace of the night were the creaking of the Inn’s floorboards and the flutter of the Coronian flag outside the room’s only window at the front of the building.

    It was a perfect place to discuss such underhanded matters.

    “Tonight is best,” whispered the second hooded figure to his partner. “so gather up the men, but do it silently. Send a couple of them to his house to pay his family a visit and send the rest to the campsite. We’ll need as many men as you can spare. You’ve seen Stark and his men, so I don’t need to tell you about the risks.”

    “What about the boy who is with them? He could cause us some trouble.” The first hooded figure asked, joining his partner in a surveying look back towards the town of Whitevale.

    “I arranged for the men to work all day on finding out as much about him as possible, so that they will all be prepared tonight. I don’t think he’ll be any trouble, though. Even with him there is not a whole lot of them, so you take them out while they are asleep, or while they have downed tools to eat.” The second figure replied, his hand restless already at the hilt of his worn longsword. “That Bane Stark is a fool. He probably knows The Kinshara have put a bounty out on him, and still he roams the island.”

    “What about the wife? She could be useful in other ways.” The first hooded man said with a sly grin underneath his robes. He had been following the young woman ever since they had received their brief from the Kinshara, and he certainly wouldn’t mind to get a piece of that before she was disposed of.

    “Once we’re done with Stark and his rangers, you can do with her as you wish. Just don’t make too much of a commotion. Get going now, the night ebbs away and I want Stark and his men dead before sunrise.”
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-18-15 at 03:21 PM.

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  4. #4
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    Corone, forest clearing

    The silence and anxiety was short lived as a male hooded figure darted through the clearing’s edge behind Shinsou and Bane, his feet pounding the dirt and leaves rapidly. Bane wasted no time. His huge frame roared into action, scooping his double-bladed weapon from the ground with a grunt and guiding it expertly into a powerful upward arc. The figure’s hooded head snapped back violently on contact, a pitiful whimper escaping his lips and his long, matted black hair whipping the air about his head as the edge of Bane’s sword carved a jagged crevice up the assassin’s chest.

    A pair of once bright, alert eyes that had gleamed beneath those black robes faded. Their last moments saw Bane’s enraged visage snarling back at them, the ranger’s face and beard smattered with crimson splashes from force of the brutal attack. The body, carried by its own momentum, rolled carelessly over the trunk on which they men had been sat and clumped in a bloodied mess at the base of the large campfire, a crimson pool forming below the face-down corpse.

    “Men!” Bane growled, raising his sword aloft. “To arms!”

    All in all, it had taken about five seconds for the attacker to enter the clearing, charge at Bane and finish up in a crumpled, mangled heap in the centre of the camp, but those five seconds had passed almost in slow motion. Only now, with Bane’s cry echoing across the woods, did Shinsou and the rest of the men truly react. The rangers scrambled to arm themselves and then approached Bane immediately, forming a circle of defence around their commander. Shinsou moved in tandem with them, snaking around the fallen tree he had been perched on not seconds ago and flicked his right hand out. Tendrils of black and purple electricity danced from his fingertips, sawing at the night’s air before a second flick of the wrist formed the structure of his Dark Lance.

    “There, in the trees!”

    The assassins could be heard long before they came into sight. Their quick footsteps pressed heavily into the autumn leaves that blanketed every uneven surface for miles around, the crunches of their feet upon the forest floor and the pounding of their breath upon the cold air the only signs of their existence. To the un-trained ear, it was as if the patter of raindrops had reached the forest. To those present, it was the coming of death’s agents.

    The rangers clung to the hilts of their swords tighter as the noises grew closer and closer and, collectively, anxiously awaited the first attack.

    Their eyes tried to follow the shadows of their assailants as they phased in and out of the oak trees like ghosts, but in the dark no-one could trace their movements. The growing number of audible steps, mixed with the rattling of chains, and above it all the tell-tale snapping of branches as tens of men flanked the clearing told Shinsou and Bane that they were badly outnumbered.

    Suddenly, Shinsou picked up another sound; the familiar hollow rumbling of hooves.

    “Bane!” He yelled, his back to the ranger commander. “Cavalry incoming!”

    Before Bane had even had a chance to respond, they were in view; the hooded men from the woods and their outriders from the beaten track into the clearing appearing in perfect synchronisation. The ranks of black hoods, their curved, polished sabres unsheathed, ran towards the group from all angles in a nightmare sprint. The fine dust kicked up from the horses' hooves formed a cloudy trail behind the two mounted assassins charging in from behind.

    “I’ll get the riders!” Shinsou bellowed. “Take care of the skirmishers!”

    Whatever Bane had yelled in response was lost in the chaos. As he started his blurry kamikaze sprint over the leaves and across the clearing, the smooth surface of his Dark Lance gleaming in the beautiful silver glow of the moon overhead, Shinsou's mind raced. He tried to calculate the possibilities open to him for killing his targets, consisting of two archers on horseback. It would not be an easy feat, of that he was sure. But whatever the method, he had to do it now. Any archer that crossed the threshold between him and the clearing would have free reign of the field.

    All around him were the sounds of projectiles whizzing past his ears mixed with the battle cries of his ranger allies left in the clearing behind him. Ahead of him, Shinsou could now see the maddened brown eyes of the beasts that thundered towards him, snorting and hissing clouds of white vapor into the night air as their mounts let loose a volley of arrows that barely missed him.

    Nearly there. A bit closer!

    Shinsou slowed, calculating the speed and distanced required for his planned assault, and then suddenly dug his heels into the floor as the lead horse threatened to career into him, pivoting on his right heel and thrusting the dark lance into the beast’s neck. As the horse let out a shrill scream, it threw its rider and collapsed to the floor along with the Telgradian.

    The other rider stormed by on his mount, too fast to brake, and instead let loose another arrow that slammed into the mud next to Shinsou’s arm. Grabbing the wooden shaft, Shinsou pulled it from the earth and turned just in time to meet the concussed, staggering form of the thrown rider standing over him with a dagger like some sort of drunken grim reaper. With a single thrust, the Telgradian plunged the arrow head into the unprotected chest of his attacker, piercing his heart and killing him instantly.

    Fuck! The other rider!

    The second black-robed assassin had already dismounted, but as he approached the surprised Shinsou, Bane cried out from behind him, appearing almost from no-where. Dancing upon the murky foliage of the clearing with great fluidity for such a bulky man, the ranger thrust his deadly double-edged blade forward and then spun at the last second, disembowelling the man easily on the backswing. Another two hooded men tried to flank him, jumping out of the clearing in an attempt at an ambush.

    Bane made no sound, but simply swooped left to right, seemingly anticipating the slow and clumsy motions of the men, who, like the others he had just killed, had great trouble fighting at close combat with any degree of fluency. With two strokes he severed the head of one of the black-clad men, and then drove his blade point into the heart of the other, who fell, choking to the ground, blood spattering upon Bane’s face with what could only be seen as satisfaction in the swordsman’s countenance.

    As the last of the surviving assassins scrambled as fast as their feet could take them back towards the trees, Shinsou looked up at a bloodsoaked Bane. The man was barely out of breath, smeared in the blood of his enemies, and had succeeded in securing the area.

    “Are you ok?” Bane grunted, his eyes firmly locked on to the fleeing few ahead of him, now out of reach of his wrath.

    “I’m fine,” Shinsou replied, wiping a film of mud and sweat from his brow. “You? The men?”

    Judging by the expression on the ranger’s face, Shinsou knew it was already too late for a lot of Bane’s men. This sort of attack was identical to hundreds of others he had experienced in the time he had spent in Telgradia. They were often quick and brutal. Even though the battle had lasted for an eternity on his own mind’s eye, the reality was that a lot of men had probably died in a very short amount of time. A lot of good men.

    Bane didn’t answer Shinsou’s question. He didn't need to. Instead, he plunged the tip of his blade into the ground with a booming roar, and punched the floor in a fit of rage.

    “Someone will pay dearly for this!”

    With Bane's scream ringing in his ears, Shinsou rolled onto his back and glared at the moon.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-18-15 at 03:22 PM.

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  5. #5
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    Telgradia Palace

    It was another beautiful day in Garah, the type that Captain Telos loved to have whilst making his lengthy journey from the academy to the palace grounds. There was a cloudless blue sky, the heat of the sun beating down on his back and the sight of the early morning’s light refracting through the Frach buildings of the Royal complex outside, making it look as if a thousand silver fireflies had swarmed to the courtyard and were swooping about the palace. It was a good memory for the hard days to come, an image he would gladly hold on to tight enough to last him at least a couple of these coming months.

    It was an image of Telgradia in a rare moment of peace.

    Telos supposed that would last until he had the Council brief given to him in full. Then all of those images of peace and serenity would go to the wall, replaced instead with those terrible memories that lingered in the depths of his mind of the day Shinsou had stood against them. Those were the ones that always gave him a stark reminder of why he was chosen to be a member of the Council of Five in the first place, and the ones that would serve as the preface for the reasoning behind the Council’s summoning today.

    He wasn’t alone, either, in that long walk to the council chamber.

    Captain Remy Krystatia, the newest appointee to the council, was just ahead of him. She didn’t turn her thin, beautiful face back to acknowledge him, but rather kept her blue eyes on the marble tiles of the palace corridor below her feet and allowed him to walk to her side. From beneath her own long white coat and black, knee-length skirt a pair of smooth legs swayed from side to side as she travelled towards the Council of Five’s chambers with her fellow Captain in tow. A long ponytail of silky, caramel brown hair, reaching halfway down her back, swung in time with her swaying hips.

    Her beauty was unquestionable, but Telos hadn’t hand-picked her for the Council based on her charming looks. Remy was a little greener than the current other four Captains, having served just four months in the Royal Guard, but her skills with her Kurai blade were already unparalleled by anyone in the Telgradian army and that included Telos. Remy had already reached the level of Senkai Shinjitsu, forming the sort of powerful connection with her Kurai blade that only a handful of Telgradian’s had managed in three generations, and for this reason she was already considered one of the military’s greatest assets.

    “What’s the situation?” Remy inquired, now turning her head around and casting a concerned glance over her left shoulder to Telos. It was a glance only she could muster, a glance that made her blue eyes seem like they could cut through steel.

    “I don’t know for sure, but it won’t be hard to guess what this is about.” Telos replied, repositioning the sheath of his Kurai sword at his side with a steady hand. “It’s got to be Shinsou.”

    Remy’s eyes faded a little at the mention of Shinsou’s name. She had never met him in person, but remembered him well from tales told by the few scarred and broken survivors of his battles. She thought of the pain that went hand in hand with that name, and it was a pain that she carried as well for a bitter and resentful Telgradia. At the time Flexton Ra had organised a plan for Atlas Revaan to retrieve the Pillar of Osiris, effectively taking the safeguards against Shinsou's resurrection out of their hands and throwing them into the lap of the gods, Remy and Telos's voices were the only ones in opposition.

    Now, it seemed, their views were vindicated.

    “They didn’t listen to us Telos. What did they expect was going to happen?” She asked. “Dxun was weak, far too weak.”

    There was only one piece of subject matter Captains never said a word against, an issue that was so taboo that it was simply not commented on, even in hushed whispers.

    The issue was Captain-Commander Dxun’s orders.

    Flexton Ra’s son, Dxun Ra, took on the command of the Council of Five when its previous leader perished in the night of Shinsou’s rebellion. Although unpopular with the majority of the army due to his silver-spoon upbringing, Dxun governed Telgradia’s forces with an iron fist, keeping it as clean and efficient as it could be given the circumstances. It was under his stewardship that Shinsou had finally been brought to justice, and although the Council had often internally questioned Dxun’s motivations for taking the post, the fact was that he had delivered everything he could to ensure the people of Telgradia would be happy with his appointment.

    Stopping Shinsou was the greatest show of strength he could've mustered, and he did so with great aplomb.

    Needless to say, not many of the Council of Five found it comfortable to act under the strict fist of a councillor’s spoilt son, but it took only a couple of weeks for the man to strike respect into them with something other then his harsh and sometimes dictorial ways. Even the most experienced and knowledgeable of the Captains were amazed by his vast insight into all the functions and operations of the Jal Shey forces marching up their garden path, and had found his commands and decision making to be faultless in making sure they hadn’t got any further.

    Whenever Dxun commanded something, it was now done almost instantly. The Council of Five all knew what could happen if they disobeyed him, their minds far too rational to instigate something they most likely couldn’t put down. He was fearless to all that served around him and too fearsome for those who dared to oppose him. His word was the final one, and even someone as well respected amongst the Council as Telos only dared to serve his opinion to Dxun in subtle proportions only.

    Yet, with all this in mind, Remy was struggling to see how Dxun could have allowed such a foolish mission, involving Atlas being in such close proximity to the Pillar of Osiris, to have taken place. It was a ridiculous gambit and one that carried a hefty price.

    She sighed, shaking her head, as they approached the final strait that led to the heavily guarded council chambers. The smooth surface of the main path opened up from the enclosed palace wing into a final outdoor walkway that carved the palace gardens in two. It was now regularly covered with crispy frost covered leaves every single morning, and as their footsteps crunched Remy cast her gaze to the approaching council chamber grounds.

    Ahead, a silver gate stood at least three times the height of the wall on either side of it that encircled the chamber of the Council of Five. It was about forty feet high, topped with crystalline Frach spires that glinted gold in the morning sun. The structure was made of marble. Finely carved statues of various heroes of Telgradia past adorned the edges of the gate around its massive doors. Remy had seen the decorations before, and she could make out many of the statues from memory. The original Council of Five, the founding of the city of Garah, its near destruction early in the Telgradian Civil War, the siege of the Jal Shey and the defeat of Shinsou Vaan Osiris were some of the more prominent statuary, breathtaking in their beauty and refinement but also standing as reminders to members of the Council of Five as to why their services were always required.

    As the captains approached, they exchanged no further dialogue. The time for talking would come momentarily, and they both knew that there would be more than a lifetime's worth of it to come.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-18-15 at 12:30 PM.

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  6. #6
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    The secretive halls of the Council of Five’s chambers were as silent as a crypt, and almost as dark and eerie. Kept away from any official Telgradian military buildings and used only to summon the Council of Five, it was scarcely used and anyone walking its cold corridors could feel that as they perused the empty walkways.

    As a pair of elaborately robed attendants slammed the heavily reinforced doors behind them, Telos took a moment to investigate the building he had been away from for a while.

    Far over their heads, vaults and arches sailed up and converged in a classical array of Frach carved embellishments. A row of marble columns rose to the ceiling and created an avenue that extended past the end of the dome chamber in which they stood. At the end of this avenue a white statue of a goddess, shrouded in celestial robes, loomed over the walkway with a single hand held towards the heavens. The floor consisted of a myriad of marble slabs that led to a centre circle underneath the peak of the dome, from which all other passageways through the building were connected. Here, the flooring was laid in such a way that the emblem of the Council of Five was sketched out over the circumference of the room.

    As a bevy of attendants poured from the aisles and flanked the two Captains to take their cloaks, Telos wondered how many of the Council members that had swore allegiance to this very crest had been outlived by it.

    “None of the Council are here to welcome us, I see,” Remy muttered. The sheer expanse of the room and its bearing seemed to impress her into muting her voice. “Yeah, you would have thought they’d already be here, given the urgency of our summoning.” Telos nodded, running his tongue over his dry lips and habitually resting a hand on the hilt of his Kurai sword.

    “Do you think we should probably have a look around, Telos?” Remy asked in a hushed tone. She looked at Telos for confirmation, and seeing no strong objection she turned on her heels and began walking towards the statue of the goddess at the end of the corridor, her feet clicking on the marble in quick succession.

    With a shrug, Telos followed. The mild mannered Captain chewed his bottom lip for a moment, contemplating, as he always did, the possibilities as to why no-one seemed to have turned up yet for such an urgent summoning of the Council, but resolved that now was not the time and hurried after Remy.

    After all, Telos thought, we could just be earlier than we thought.

    Remy led the way, walking a straight path between the columns as she made her way with Telos in tow. The lay-out of this section of the building was similar to several of the other royal buildings in the complex; high, narrow windows of colourful stained glass, patterned to portray important events in Telgradian lore. They alternated with the pillars, dark with the lack of any background light. Under these, tucked into coves far into either side of the corridor, were strange pedestals that contained small statues of previous Captain-Commanders. Rows of lighted, scented candles flickered on top of tables positioned either side of these figurines, the most recent of which denoted Dxun Ra’s appointment to this coveted position.

    The most spectacular shrine, with double the amount of candles and trinkets as the next, was dedicated to the first ever Captain-Commander of the Council of Five; Gabriel Haschwald. Caught in the dancing light of torches lighting the corridor, his statue was the inspiration for all that passed through these halls.

    A plaque at the base of the statue read: his legendary Kurai blade Gurandokatta pointed to the sky, Gabriel looks up towards the heavens.

    “Captains Telos Soltair and Remy Krystatia,” a powerful voice echoed through the corridor, catching them off guard. Telos and Remy turned back toward the crest underneath the dome, and tried to bend their grimaces into something more a little more dignified. Walking carefully towards them was an impressive looking man, decked out in the distinctive clothing of a Captain. He wore a loose fitting black garb with a plain white haori placed over the top. His face was concealed by a white, thinly drawn clay-like mask that had two oval openings for the eyes and small tubular grooves on either cheek, just covered by the strands of his long, black hair. On either side of his uniform, two huge Kurai swords remained stoic in their massive ivory sheaths. Despite their size, the man looked barely weighed down by them at all.

    "Captain Riisa Endymeon," Remy said, dipping from the waist slightly to show her respect and walking to meet him. She didn't hear Telos return the greeting; apparently he felt it more appropriate to hang just behind her and give a familiar wave. Remy made a note to give Telos a lecture later about his cavalier attitude, and approached Riisa, who dwarfed her by a good few feet. He was the tallest and physically the strongest Captain of the Council of Five, adorned with a huge, muscular chassis that was framed with flowing dark hair and bright blue eyes that shone from underneath his trademark mask. Dxun Ra aside, Riisa was one of the most influential and powerful men breathing in Telgradia at this time. Remy bent again from the waist down when she came face-to-face with the giant.

    Telos, now standing at her side, clucked in exasperation at the whole affair, never having been one for formalities.

    “We were summoned here by the Council emissaries this morning,” Telos began. “I’m sorry for the delay, but I’m afraid I had to come from the academy,” He shot a sideways glance at Remy, who was making a face that she thought best approximated politeness. “I’m sure Remy has a good reason for her tardiness, too.”

    Riisa looked into his eyes, blinked, and glanced back and forth between the two other Captains.

    "I wouldn’t worry about it. Three of us are here, and Dxun is waiting in the inner chamber, but there’s been no response from Captain Miyori.” Smiling perplexedly, but grimacing with his eyes, Riisa continued. “He’s probably off doing one of his weird experiments somewhere, so we’ll have to proceed without him. Let's go.”

    Without waiting for a response, Riisa turned sharply and marched like a one-man battalion in the direction he had come, followed closely behind by Remy and Telos.
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-12-15 at 09:13 AM.

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  7. #7
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    Corone, forest clearing
    One hour later

    Shinsou couldn’t help but notice the irony in the way that things were turning out for him. Shinsou Vaan Osiris, Emperor of Telgradia and feared insurrectionist against the state, who but a couple of years ago had spearheaded a relentless campaign to slaughter any who stood in his way with his immeasurable power, now found himself on the other side of the hill. Confined to a small, bloodsoaked forest clearing just off of the Corone shoreline and surrounded by piles of corpses of his allies with not even a fraction of his true power available to him, the Telgradian now felt the weakness and vulnerability that most of his former adversaries must have felt against him all that time ago.

    It was incredibly frustrating.

    Still, he had done all he could to ward off their unknown assailants. Without a weapon to hand and relying solely on his incredibly limited dakuatsu magic and his resourcefulness, Shinsou had still managed to kill at least one of his opponents and ward off the other until Bane had come to his rescue.

    Yeah, like it did any good.


    Shinsou, perched silently on a bloodstained log at the perimeter of the dying campfire, glanced over at Bane. The former ranger’s weather beaten face was stained with thick streaks of dirt and gore. His once enraged, steely eyes were now filled with sadness and were cast down to the glowing embers of the fire, watching as the once roaring flames became enveloped in the darkness of the cold night. Looking at that man, next to a pile of his dead friends, of his men, it was easy to understand why Shinsou felt his efforts had been squandered. He had been gullible enough to believe he could make a difference without his power.

    No, that isn't it.

    Shinsou hadn’t had the time to think about what difference he could make. He had acted on instinct, done what he was supposed to do, and done what he was good at. He just didn’t have the tools he used to. Meanwhile, in his bleeding hand, Bane held a small porcelain crest taken from one of the assassins. Suddenly, with a roar, the ranger threw the hexagonal emblem into the white ash of the fire. As it hit the mound of flakes, a cloud of hot dust spewed forth.

    “The Kinshara Assassins Guild!” Bane punched the floor with such force that Shinsou heard the bones in the ranger’s boulder-like fists crack sickeningly. The Telgradian wiped a dirty sleeve across his forehead.

    “Are they the ones responsible for this, then? What possible reason could they have for this attack?”

    Bane knew full well why. It was his blind, unheeding loyalty to his men that had led him and his band down this grim path and trapped them all in a maelstrom of death from which there was no escape. However, he wasn’t going to divulge his life story to a client, just enough morsels to not lie and yet conceal the truth.

    “We worked for the Kinshara, but abandoned the order. You must understand that no-one leaves the guild. Those who leave are marked for death.”

    Rain clouds had rolled in overhead, unnoticed, and now drops started to pelt down from the gloomy sky. Bane didn’t notice, or didn’t care, that he was drenched. He looked back across the now extinguished campfire to the silhouette of the corpse pile with streams of rainwater flowing in rivulets from the end of his nose. Though the night was now as black as an inkwell, Bane could see the twisted, contorted expressions of his men who had all shared the same painful fate. He doubted that those faces would leave him anytime soon.

    “Why did you leave if you knew what would happen?”

    Though Bane’s answer had satisfied at least some of Shinsou’s curiosity, the Telgradian continued his wet interrogation. Shifting slightly in his uncomfortable spot on his own, the ranger sighed.

    “Stop asking, boy, because that’s my business.”

    Bane felt he had been kind enough to give Shinsou as much information as he already had, but now his temper was coming back with a vengeance and was in no mood to pour his heart and soul out. What had happened an hour ago was mind-wrecking, robbing Bane of what little happiness he’d been able to get from travelling with his men, and it felt as if the ghosts of his rangers were draining him of strength both physically and mentally.

    For Shinsou, it was his powerlessness that drained him. It was like a toothache, always present, always pulsing through his nerves, and fierce. He did a good job at concealing it though; he put on his brooding mask and tried to distract himself with other thoughts. But those always led to that point beyond the horizon where his eyes fled even now. The horizon beyond where Enpera, and his true power, lay.

    It was then, with the rain pouring down in sheets through the silence, that he knew what he had to do.

    “I need a sword.”

    Bane barely even looked up. “You can’t take any of the men’s, so don’t bother fucking asking.”

    Shinsou stood up. For the first time, he caught Bane’s undivided attention. Through the dark chill of the night, the ranger could sense a new ferocity in his client. His golden eyes seemed to pierce through the darkness, and as Shinsou paced towards the ranger, Bane could feel an icy chill grip his soul. There was power in his eyes, strength in his stature, and fire in his belly.

    ”I said, I need a sword,” Shinsou repeated, this time more forcefully. “They,” He said, pointing towards the dead, “were the ones who suffered here, your comrades at arms. They suffered because we lacked the power to help them.”

    Bane slammed his fist into the wooden log he was sat on. “Hold your fucking tongue, Telgradian, before I cleave it from your filthy mouth!”

    “Shut up,” Shinsou interrupted “and listen well, and I will help you to avenge your men.”

    Bane snorted, rebuffing the Telgradian with a raised hand. “Stop your maddening boasts. How can you do anything to help?”

    Though the darkness enveloped him, and Bane could not see it, the corners of Shinsou’s lips curved to a slight smirk. His eyes narrowed into an icy stare, one that stabbed through Bane’s shadow.

    “I’m going to rebuild Enpera, and you're going to help me.”
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-19-15 at 07:52 AM.

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  8. #8
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    The Council of Five’s inner chamber was as enormous, and as disquieting, as any other part of the main building.

    Entering the room, the three Captains found themselves standing on a polished marble platform that jutted out from the doorway. The immediate platform ended just a few feet from the chamber door proper, but was adjoined to two similar marble walkways that followed the curvature of the wall in both directions until the two paths ended abruptly at the back of the room, where Dxun-Ra’s seat was located. Even for an experienced Captain, Telos always felt disconcerted standing on this entryway. The very meaning of their presence in this chamber always held one unquestionable, undeniable truth.

    That Telgradia has failed.

    It was quickly obvious that this room was not to be taken lightly. Looking in either direction, Telos was no less disconcerted by the great height to which this room stretched than to the depths to which it sank. He saw the familiar series of narrow rows, forming a stepped inner semi-circle that connected to the outer gangway. The chamber seemed to be layered much like the Telgradian Council auditorium back in Garah City, with distinct tiers of unused marble rows that led to an inner well where the five chairs of the Council of Five were located.

    As the Captains ventured across the gangway and walked down to their allocated seat, Telos looked straight ahead towards the Captain-Commander’s own chair and clapped his eyes on Telgradia’s most important man. Dxun-Ra was about Telos’s size, an easy six foot, but slightly slimmer than him. His trademark short black stubble beard remained unshaven from the last time they had met, and his patented white and gold patterned Haori hung over his uniform from the neck down. A steady hand rested on the top of his ever-present walking cane, which he held across his lap whilst seated. From beneath a strew sedge hat, something of a fashion tradition between Captain-Commanders, a pair of mellow, hazel eyes gazed back at him.

    The voice that spoke was soft but a little gruff.

    “Captains Telos Soltair, Remy Krystantia and Riisa Endymeon, welcome. Please, be seated.”

    Each of them, stood to one side of their allocated seat, dipped at the waist, and then sat in unison. This was the one occasion where Telos could countenance such formalities, as to forgo the traditional mark of respect to Telgradia’s Captain-Commander was punishable by a long stretch in Kokushi’s high-security wing.

    As the Captains made themselves comfortable, removing their Kurai swords as tradition dictated, Dxun rose from his seat ahead of them and stood. As expected, it did not take long for the Captain-Commander to get to the heart of the matter of their summoning.

    “As you will no doubt now be aware, a dire situation has arisen,” Dxun started, his voice firm and resolute. “The Telgradian military have reported that they now have reliable intelligence that Shinsou Vaan Osiris has been resurrected.”

    There were no audible gasps, or surprised looks around the chamber as Dxun paused to clear this throat. Telos looked over at Remy, and wondered what sort of curse words, all aimed at Dxun, were going through her mind.

    “At this time, we do not know the status of Shinsou Vaan Osiris, nor that of the former Telgradian Royal Guard Jaeger Keats who was believed to be an accomplice of Shinsou, but we believe them both to be alive and well on Althanas. Furthermore,” Dxun paused again whilst he walked towards the debating table in front of the Captains, dragging his cane along with him. He then started to pace slowly around its circumference, passing Riisa as he went. “…there is another person of interest involved. He was a member of the convict guard sent to The Cartographer and now, rather conveniently, seems to be unaccounted for. He goes by the name of Gnarloc, and he was imprisoned in Kokushi. I want to know where he is.”

    The Captains made furious mental notes, absorbing all the details as quickly and accurately as they could whilst Dxun continued.

    “So, these are your orders. As is my right as Captain-Commander, I am placing a priority one kill order on Shinsou Vaan Osiris and Jaeger Keats. All methods of force to execute these orders are permitted. Whether he has regained the full use of his power or not, we cannot afford to take any chances.”

    Telos stroked his beard thoughtfully, tapping his fingers on the table. “Who is to make the journey, sir?”

    Dxun stopped dead, tapping his cane habitually on the marble flooring below him. “All four Captains will travel to Althanas to carry out the order.”

    Where there was an absence of shock at the mention of Shinsou’s name a few moments before, there was now an audible gasp in the chamber from the gathered Captains. Riisa shot a glance at Remy and Telos, who exchanged confused looks back and forth.

    “Sir,” Remy said, rising from her seat but making sure to bow respectfully whilst facing Dxun. “…what you propose is against the code of the Council of Five. I must protest!”

    Dxun’s expression barely changed. If he was irritated by the interruption, he didn’t show it. “There is no higher authority than myself in all of Telgradia, nor is there any higher form of security for Telgradia than me being stationed in Garah. If you are concerned about breaking Council of Five protocol, you need concern yourself no longer Captain Krystantia as I will deal with the critics. If there is another reason for your interruption, however…”

    The silence was almost tangible and the atmosphere tense. Never in a thousand years of Telgradian history had the Council of Five had less than two Captains stationed in Garah. It was as much a ceremonial as it was practical, but the concerns from the assembled Council were legitimate. Telos, seeking an opportunity to prevent Remy from eventually talking herself off the Council, decided to interject.

    “Where shall we be deployed, sir? Also, what of the fugitive, Gnarloc?”

    Dxun turned to face Telos, who noticed a subtle change in the Captain-Commander’s body language. He couldn’t place it however, and dismissed it.

    “I am stationing Captain Telos Soltair to the region known as Salvar. Captain Remy Krystantia will be posted to the island of Corone. Captain Riisa Endymeon will be sent to Raiaera, and Captain Miyori Massimo will be assigned a region in due course. As for Gnarloc, capture him, and bring him here."

    Almost instantly, each Captain rose from their perch, bowed in time and waited for the official parting order from Dxun. As he gave it, he paused for a moment, and raised a hand.

    "One more thing. Do not return here until Shinsou is dead."
    Last edited by Shinsou Vaan Osiris; 11-19-15 at 11:01 AM.

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  9. #9
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    Name Of Judgement: The Gnarled Roots of Osiris II The Council of Five
    Type of Judgement: Condenscened Rubric
    Participant: Shinsou Vaan Osiris

    Commentary:

    Plot: 22

    The plot centering firstly around Telos is really enticing and interesting, and adds a third-party perspective to your narration of Shinsou's experience and journey which is really powerful. Then going directly to Shinsou it allows the reader to have knowledge of the sword without needing to tell the reader - a fine example of 'showing and not telling.' There is pity then released to the reader with the back story of Shinsou himself, of how he became the enemy of Talgredia. This follows on well from Part I of Gnarled Roots of Osiris, which was really and introduction and this thread is an explanation, after Shinsou becomes self-aware again. By teasing out the reader's empathy with 'from the horse's mouth' empathy you create a really good story and plot, and also do it clearly in such a way that is not too fast. The action is broken up with further third-party perspective, allowing the plot and the tension to build until the fight. Small details, such as the mention of "growing number of audible steps, mixed with the rattling of chains, and above it all the tell-tale snapping of branches as tens of men flanked the clearing told Shinsou and Bane that they were badly outnumbered" in post 4 adds further to the idea of tension and empathy for Shinsou, but also works very well within the grasps of storytelling technique.

    Though in terms of plot this is a really strong thread, one thing that was a weakness was there was a little too much jumping between characters. Although as mentioned above this is a good technique, as Shinsou is your main character more posts concerned with him would have been better. Posts read somewhat like chapters, thusly an extra post between 4 and 5 would have been good. It would help pace here be less jarring. This is addressed better in post 5 to 6, however. The mentions of before of the Council of Five by Shinsou again live up to the standards of 'show not tell' but consider making this thread longer. It definitely could use it, as there is a lot that happens (though, agreeably, much less than part I).

    Setting itself is integrated into the plot in general and I found it, though little mentioned in parts, tying in with the plot, such as when Shinsou is left on the hill and when Bane bangs his hand on it (post 7). More mentions would be better, but you certainly have a good base.

    The ending is really good, using all the elements that you built up to reveal the idea of rebuilding Enpera. The actions with the Council of Five seem a little unresolved, however, there is not even a cliff hanger mention, simply talk of a crazy Captain who likes doign experiments. As this is almsot a separate story with Telos it would have been better to have an ending similar to that of Shinsou's.

    Character: 20

    Character here is written really well, and in two parts, in terms there are two main characters with Shinsou and Telos (and Bane to an extent). Shinsou himself has a strong presence that is portrayed through his determined way of speaking and acting, with all his actions being for a purpose. Small details such as "rebuffing the Telgradian with a hand" in post 7 really add depth to the piece, and make it more visual for the reader, and add habitual movements to the characters - i.e. personality. Who was lacking a little here in all these respects was Telos. As the dominant character within the Council and Telgradia posts he was less of a functional definite personality than I would have liked to have seen. In other words, he seemed a little two dimensional in the respect that he acted and spoke very similar to how his commrades (the other Council members) spoke. I would try to do what you do with Shinsou and did with Bane, add a spark of the individual to him.

    As mentioned above in Plot there was a shortcoming at the end of post 6, and the section regarding the Council of Five. Character-wise speaking, it would have been good to have a more decisive movement here, and though there are little details, such as with mention of Captain Miyori, it could have done with more of this. You started off strong here, character wise, at the beginning of the thread with Telos but lost some of it on the way.

    One strong point to mention last of all is the battle itself. It is difficult sometimes to successfully integrate a fight scene in with conversation posts etc, but this was done really well, seemlessly with the characters working well in both situations without much change to their overall personalities, so well done here.

    Writing: 23

    Fundementally speaking your writing is very apt and speaks well of the scene. As far as mechanics go there are no visible or obvious spelling mistakes and the sentence structure is all correct. A couple of times capitalisation is unneccessary, such as in post 1 with "Katana." This is shortly followed by "Kurai" - it is not obvious whether these two need capitalisation as they are not proper nouns, not the name of the swords themselves (such as "Enpera"), rather they are describing its type, acting as an adjective. I found clarity to really be nothing of an issue at all, in the fact I understood everything that was being done and said. Paragraphing really helps here to create a clear and vivid picture of what is happening, and your thread is visually well done as well as written well.

    In terms of technique, there are really strong moments of description, such as in post 7 with, "watching as the once roaring flames became enveloped in the darkness of the cold night" that give a very clear visual to the setting. Mentions of colour and different senses also allow the reader to navigate their way around the piece. One thing that you could benefit from is using such forms as metaphor and similie, however, to strengthen your writing and setting, as well as ferment setting a little stronger (see Plot commentary) within the thread, so consider this with your next thread. Overall, however, very good.

    Wildcard: 7

    Wildcard here is going to go to the over arching use of 'show don't tell' that you did so well. All the posts were well linked, even from one scene (one world) to another that the reader really was not confused in the slightest.

    Final Score: 72

    Shinsou Vaan Osiris receives:

    740 EXP
    105 GP
    "Tol. Mela. Othor." "Versh. Sai. Memnae." Come. Love. Conquer. - Philomel in Tolkein Sindarin, Faunish and Tradespeak

    Very grateful winner of 2015 Althies Awards: Friendliest Member, Mrs Althanas, Best IC Rivalry (with Doge), Best Judge and Most Helpful/Friendly Mod and Admin Award of Moderator of the Year.

  10. #10
    Make It So
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