Podë released her grip on my mind, causing the images of death and destruction and betrayal to slowly burn away like fog. Even as they faded, I felt as if every single one of those visions were real. I couldn't breath. I felt crushed. Destroyed. Empty. A single tear ran down my thin, pale face as I sat there on top of her. Slowly, I released my grip on her throat. Vines withdrew back into my arms as I leaned back.
“So you finally see it,” the witch said. “The damage that your uncontrolled hatred causes to those you love.” Her malicious emerald eyes flickered towards Nell's corpse.
“That has always been your problem, my little monster. You are unable to temper your emotions. You bottle them up and allow them to fester inside you. They eat away at you. They makes you insecure. This hatred and fear that rots in your gut builds and builds until you lash out at those few people you are afraid of hurting the most, because that's all you know how to do.”
She twisted an arm free out from underneath me and pushed me aside. I fell away from her without any resistance. As I sat there, bent over from the trauma of her spell, she rose to her feet. Her brilliant red dress smoothed itself out as she stood tall over me, knowing that she had broken me.
A hollow shell, I was powerless to stop whatever she was planning on doing next.
The false god was right; I was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. Ever since I was young, I never had anyone to call friend. Friendship and love were foreign concepts to me, until I finally forced myself to discover their meanings in an effort to fill a void in my life that had been growing since childhood.
But then, I was terrified of letting people in. I didn't want them to get close to me. All I knew how to do was hurt people and run away; how could I expect them to find anything worth sticking around for? I had to force myself to stay. It's a fight I continue in earnest to this very day.
And what do I get for working to be more open? I lose them anyway. I open myself up to someone, I let them in, I learn to love them, and then I end up pushing them away. I hurt them. I lose them. One way or another, they leave me--and I find myself alone and afraid once more, like I've always been.
Is this the fate I brought upon myself?
Is this what I deserve? An eternity of loneliness and betrayal all because I cannot let go of my hatred?
...Maybe it is.
...And yet, it is my hatred that drives me.
It is my hatred that keeps me going. It fuels my work, dictates my actions, grows my power.
It is this venomous hate that made me the monster that I am. My hate is the plague that corrupted Eiskalt. It is the blade that murdered Kyla Orlouge and overthrew the mad assassin, Lichensith Ulroke. It is the voice that leads the Order of the Crimson Hand to a better future. It is the hand that guides me as I plan for the future and steers me down the path of my destiny.
I dream of love and acceptance, and fear losing those who show me both. But, that demon that eternally lurks in the blackened recesses of my soul will always be there for me, no matter what. Ready to lash out at the world, ready to be unleashed on those who would take from me the things I crave the most.
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