Judgment:
I apologize immensely for the delay in this judgment. I’m looking forward to this clash and what the writing holds!
I love judging and giving feedback, so you’ll see a lot of general comments in different sections. These will be quotes and will have something like Post # or P# before it so you can refer back to the post that I was reading for context.
As always, I LOVE getting any feedback be it good, bad or ugly. If you have any questions, concerns, or would like additional clarification please feel free to contact me and I would be happy to help!
Plot
Story Rehtul: 7 | Shin: 7
Shin -
Good, general opening to a Citadel post from a story perspective. It opened the reason for being there, as well as alluded to his personality/addiction towards it.
The last posts were the next time I saw anything related to Story. I like the background for Shin, but it wasn’t until the very end of the thread that I got some type of storyline. For a general Citadel fight, it would have been pretty standard, but you brought it up with the last post in conjunction with Reht to tie it together.
Rehtul -
It was nice to see the opening with the “former assassin” and “Knights” thrown in, but I’m not sure how they tied to Reht immediately. I have to go basically only off the first and last posts for this thread on the Story… I thought you had a decent story to meet with Shin, but the concept of Felicity telling you she had to protect him was the only thin veil for why you were at a Citadel match instead of a bar to talk.
All in all, it was better than the majority of the reasons for the battle, though having it maybe hinted at throughout the thread would have made the battle seem like it had more of a purpose.
Setting Rehtul: 5 | Shin: 6
Shin -
You did a little better of describing the setting in the opening post, but afterwards it felt a little forgotten from that point on. There were a few times where it was mentioned again, and then of course after you were resurrected by the monks.
Rehtul -
It felt like you started to describe the setting in the opening post, but then wanted to leave it to Shin to decide on it instead with only a very partial setting created. It seemed a little forgotten most of the thread, and at the end you did well creating the afterlife ‘healing’ chambers.
Pacing Rehtul: 7 | Shin: 8
Shin -
The pacing was good overall, but there were a few places (just like Reht) where you had complex and compound sentences that made the flow of instant reactions and battle long-winded. Overall though, it flowed well and was easy to read.
Rehtul -
You use a fair amount of compound and complex sentences during the fight that tend to draw out the flow instead of making it more direct. When writing quick movements and sharp attacks, you want to keep those concise and direct typically. I don’t see a problem with having them sometimes, but at the end of Post 8, the description of the 3 spears could have been more staccato.
Overall, very easy to read and enjoyable.
Character
Communication Rehtul: 7 | Shin: 7
Shin -
There was nothing especially outstanding, but also it didn’t intrude on the writing. You kept your communication true to your character and it fit well.
Rehtul -
Post 8: “his usual habit of self talk rearing its ugly head again as his level of stress rose.” That is a great way to explain random dialogue that sometimes finds its way into a battle, while also keeping it attuned to the persona of the character.
Action Rehtul: 7 | Shin: 8
A lot of the action by both of you was pretty bluntly written, as far as attack and react. I think what it was missing was how it interacted with the environment and a fair amount of technical writing that would have made it seem more alive and dynamic
Shin -
Stabbing your own eyes to blind your opponent… metal. Otherwise, the action was good and I feel like you realistically transitioned that action into physical issues and how you reacted to those.
Rehtul -
I was a little confused on how you were in the air/flying... Otherwise, I felt like the action was more ‘matter of fact’ and could have used a little more flow and touch to it. It was well written, but also ‘matter of fact’ in the way it was written.
Persona Rehtul: 7| Shin: 8
Shin -
In post 7 you get a little more of personality in battle, hissing at the pain for example. Like your opponent, there were glimmers of good persona throughout here and there, but in the end it felt like personality was lost a little in the narrative. I think you did well with explaining reactions and the why behind them though.
Rehtul -
Most of the posting felt like a description of a battle, which you are in, but lacked your character's personality during the thread. I got it a few times, such as snarling when you were hit in Post 6. I would have liked to see a little more of who Reht through the narrative, but otherwise a good showing.
Prose
Mechanics Rehtul: 9 | Shin: 9
Shin -
I noted only a handful of smaller errors with grammar here and there, including missing words. Otherwise, nothing too much of note.
Rehtul -
There were a few errors here and there, such as missing words or first words in a sentence not being capitalized (Post 6).
Clarity Rehtul: 9 | Shin: 9
Shin - No real issues with clarity in general.
Rehtul -
Post 8: “A blink of an eye later the energy construct began to crack and destabilize, before it finally shattered and swirled around the body of the mage. With no input from him, the shards of energy struck forth with the ferocity and speed of a striking viper toward its prey.” - I was a little lost as to what the “shards of energy” were referring to, was it the ice of the shield?
Technique Rehtul: 6 | Shin: 8
Shin -
You have a style that lends itself to beautiful prose, but it also sometimes feels awkward in this thread. The last paragraph of Post 7 felt like the latter a little.
Rehtul -
You have a bit of technique that works, and other times it feels a bit lackluster - “a giant fan of pointy sticks” (post 6)
Wild Card
Rehtul: 7 | Shin: 7
For WC on battles I give both of you an equal score and use it as a wrap-up. I enjoyed reading the fight, it was interesting. I actually think it would be fun to have a battle with either of you someday myself and I’m looking forward to it maybe!
Score:
Rehtul - 71
Shin - 77
Rewards
Rehtul - 1275 exp | 250 gold
Shin - 5255 exp | 250 gold
