Judgment:
Now what do we have here… I am thrilled to be able to be the judge for this Citadel matchup between the two of you. Before starting this thread, I did not read any of this battle beforehand - because I actually thought I was going to judge it and wanted to come in without reading it ahead of time.
I love judging and giving feedback, so you’ll see a lot of general comments in different sections. These will be quotes and will have something like Post # or P# before it so you can refer back to the post that I was reading for context.
As always, I LOVE getting any feedback be it good, bad or ugly. If you have any questions, concerns, or would like additional clarification please feel free to contact me and I would be happy to help!
Plot
Story Nos: 5 | Shin: 6
Nosdyn -
From a story perspective, I understand that there is animosity between Nos and I assume Felicity (you mentioned Shin’s student). I wanted to know more about that and what drove that, but it was a good story mechanic to use to justify the battle specifically with Shin. I wish, as a reader, that you had fleshed out more of the why behind the animosity, but for a battle it was pretty good. I also didn’t get a great feel for his background, other than fighting N’Jal or being smote by her.
Shin -
I got a relatively good idea of the story for you. I had some background, some connection with Felicity, and at the end you tied in his past with Draconus to Nosdyn’s dialogue about N’Jal. So, all in all, for a battle, it was pretty good.
Setting Nos: 5 | Shin: 7
Nosdyn -
The first two paragraphs of the opening post, where you were establishing the setting, had a good start but felt like they were missing some key notes. I understood that you were in a village, but aside it was left to the imagination. The rest of the thread was lacking some setting as well, at least immersively.
The scent of blood and death preemptively in the wind (P3) - Why was there a scent of blood and death already on the wind?
Shin -
The opening was nice, but you also took the time to write a bit more about the setting. I think there was a lack of setting across the board, but you did put a bit more into yours with mention about the villagers and how your spells interacted with the buildings and such.
Pacing Nos: 7 | Shin: 7
Nosdyn -
Opening post was a little jolting from a flow standpoint. It just felt that it was a bit disjointed, like you were part setting up the setting and part working on explaining the background, but didn’t quite really delve into either too deeply. The two were also somewhat braided together throughout the paragraphs which made those paragraph’s subject matters scattered. A suggestion, I would focus one paragraph on the setting and at the end you could allude to Corone and the government - which would lead to the second paragraph being how that ties to your story and government and own town. (Just an observation/thought)
Your writing style is inherently short, heavy sentences. They have a lot of meaning and resolve behind them. Typically, you see a lot of this style reserved for when there is more action, or you want the reader to feel anxious in a way, but it actually fits the character and the tone of the writing.
Shin -
Your writing style, in contrast, is traditional. You opened the thread with flowing, compound sentences and some complex. Interspersed in these were simple that were used to emphasize a particular point. Like Nos, your writing fit the flow and pace that you were establishing.
Character
Communication Nos: 7 | Shin: 7
Nosdyn -
I like that your inner dialogue and verbal communication reflect the same character. Sometimes it’s easy to get drawn out inner dialogue and short verbal, or all one or the other. You kept both short and blunt, which added to the characterization of Nosdyn.
Shin -
The inner dialogue in post 1, before stepping into the room, makes me start to feel like I’m getting an understanding of the character’s personality without you telling me. I am always going to be a proponent of expressing personality over just telling the reader, and you did it well through dialogue.
Action Nos: 5 | Shin: 8
Nosdyn -
Taking the magical spear head on like a boss, that is something that caught me off-guard and made me kinda double take. I really like that you play the tank and aren’t afraid of doing so. However, I didn’t really understand after that why you didn’t try and do anything but just stand there? I was just somewhat confused.
I do have to say, my biggest concern, is that what Shin is throwing at you is basically the strength of Prevalida and you took 6 by post 5. That is A LOT. I understand having a very high endurance (constitution by description), but the leather armor would be completely shredded by prevalida and basically paper. So that’s going right into you. (Tier 9/10 metal). Your post 5 ended with “Limped for a moment or two but after that was fine. He had pushed through the pain…” and earlier you stated ‘bleeding profusely’ so it tracks but just be careful with that.
Shin -
Your character actions made sense. He was ranged, using that range and casting. He also was genuinely shocked by Nos taking the damage. The end, when you tapped the raw emotion and just went all out made sense as well.
Persona Nos: 6 | Shin: 8
Nosdyn -
I liked that you showed the demon to be this tank that can stand up to a beating, but I’m not sure what you accomplished by doing so. From the opening it seemed that you were there to try and fight Shin because of a past issue with Felicity, but instead you just had Nos take hits and laugh. I didn’t fully understand his purpose I guess.
Shin -
Your opening showed passive character that I always like to see. Things like “clicking his tongue, and tapping his fingers” while he was thinking are little ticks that make characters seem more real.
I would have, personally, liked to see at least a little more of that ‘heated’ side of Shin in post 6 when Nos started laughing after being hit by the 5 spears. You alluded to it with wanting to lash out, but then pulling it back. Maybe just releasing a little of that frustration/anger through passive action? - I take it back (post 8) you brought it.
Prose
Mechanics Nos: 9 | Shin: 9
Nosdyn -
“Nosdyn remained deadly calmed” - (P3) Calmed should be ‘calm’
A random grammar rule I had to look up, starting a sentence with a conjunction. I was deadset that it was a grammatical rule that you shouldn’t do so, but there is no true rule against it. So, I was going to pick on that… but you’re good.
Shin -
I had to look this up, and apparently it actually isn’t a rule but I grew up thinking it was my entire life… you finished a sentence with “aware of”. I wanted to point out that sentences shouldn’t be ended with prepositions, but after researching that actually isn’t a rule. And again in the sentence “Something to be mindful, but not necessarily afraid, of.” In this case I think the of could be moved to after mindful because reading with the comma mades me mentallly stutter and then finish the sentence with ‘of’.
“The Telgradian could see what appeared to be the masked form of the demon Nosdyn, stood waiting in the centre of the village alone.” (P1) - ‘stood’ after the comma seems out of place when I read it (and I read it a few times). I don’t know if it should have ‘that stood’ or ‘who stood’ or stood needs to be removed completely?
Clarity Nos: 8 | Shin: 8
Nosdyn -
Some of your posts, I think due to the paragraphs having a bit of “braided subject matter” (I’ll call it) sometimes are a bit unclear. I mention it in the pacing section about the opening of the thread, but it happens once or twice throughout as well. A good example of this is in post 7, the one after “... perhaps like a complete psychopath might.” That next paragraph feels like it could be a couple different paragraphs and was a bit confusing.
Shin -
The last couple paragraphs of post 4 were a little confusing. I was trying to picture more of what you were doing and where you were attacking from. The sentence “...where the lances sat waiting, chewed through the foliage and stonework of the nearby house.” Was the one that I think was confusing me the most, wasn’t sure if the lances were summoned inside of a bush and the walls of a house?
Technique Nos: 7 | Shin: 8
Nosdyn -
The writing is a little bit repetitive, but not too bad. In the third post you compared the fight to a dance, but you did so a few times without really elaborating on it much further. I feel like there was a lot of little opportunity for you to throw in additional writing technique and emphasis into the thread, but for the most part what you had was well done.
Shin -
Post 4 - second full paragraph after What the? - had a bit of a repetitive streak in there mentioning Nosdyn had chosen twice almost back to back. Otherwise, what you wrote to start was great and then the rest was pretty standard.
Wild Card
Nos: 7 | Shin: 7
For WC on battles I give both of you an equal score and use it as a wrap-up. I enjoyed reading the fight, it was interesting. I actually think it would be fun to have a battle with either of you someday myself and I’m looking forward to it maybe!
Score:
Nos - 66
Shin - 75
Rewards
Nos - 1275 exp | 100 gold
Shin - 5100 exp | 100 gold
