~Theselak Rising.~

[Preston]

~Theselak Rising.~

If either of you would like to have any further critique please reach out to me and I would be happy to help. I am also open to discussion if you would like to discuss the feedback. Otherwise, it was a pleasure to read this thread and give the following judgement. <3

Strengths

• Cerna - the opening post you wrote was very good! You put in some backstory, character, personality… just try and continue developing that and working it in. You can always put a little bit of personality, your setting, and things like that into your posts.
• Cerna - It was interesting to see you had a new storyline with the kid taken by the Thayne and used that to work it into the story.
• Nos - you did a good job of trying to add more to the story in your posts with narrative and setting. There could have been a lot more, as it was almost non-existent, but your posts were a bit more full so added to the thread as a whole.

Weakness

• Mechanics: The writing style, of having multiple one line sentences separated, attempts to make a flow but makes it hard to follow more. I think a lot of those sentences could be elaborated on to fill in story and character!
• Try to be conscious of your tense. If you are writing in past tense (as things had happened) try to be mindful so you don’t write present tense (things are happening). It just makes the reader get caught off guard a little.
• There were a lot of general grammatical mistakes, missing punctuation and misused words or capitalization that was unnecessary.
• Why is Y’edda there in the thread? I understand you want to incorporate the Thayne in your story, but this didn’t make any sense. In your following posts you mentioned that she didn’t know she was in danger… she’s a Thayne (a god) what danger? - an additional aside, Lord Cool? That is like Freeza saga DBZ names that doesn’t fit.I literally don’t know how this character fits with anything at all…
• Story: Nos, towards the end when you start writing about having relations with not only Cerna but her daughter, together and at the same time… I get this is a mature thread, and I’m not judging, but it was not only out of place but was not written well to the point where I was, as a reader, cringing.

Stars

Overall, with the star system I would give this thread a 2/10

Rewards

Cerna - 320 exp | 50 gold

Nos - 1100 exp | 50 gold

[Preston]

Exp and GP added.

Nos is now level 9

Cerna is now level 3