Post 1

A very minor nitpick: “He stood over his latest project with his arms outstretched, an intricately carved oak mantle held in taut suspension over an equally intricate set piece.” I would recommend reorganizing the first clause so that ‘latest project’ is the last part and is directly followed by the clause that describes it. This is a quibble, but it helps with clarity.

Post 2

“William blurted, interrupting immediately.” Redundant; toss the bit after the comma.

“Their light and laughter causing the soil to burst forth with life and the waters to run icy cold, pure and sweet.” Caused

“And living beneath the spirits beneficial arms were the first people of the land.” A nitpick, but I’d take ‘benevolent’ over ‘beneficial’. I think of beneficial as a word to describe the vitamins that I take, not a spirit that watches over me.

“And like the spirits of then and now the first people were a far cry from the people of today.” Comma after now

” William shook his head in the negative, still unwilling to speak lest he lose the rest of the story.” ‘in the negative’ is redundant.

This is very well-written thus far. I’m enjoying the relationship William and Gerard share; this feels like a relatable father-son moment.

Post 3

I tend to agree with SirArtemis that Elder Evil should be capitalized.

“The spirits were no longer the carefree generous beings that they had been, the elder evil’s presence had changed them.” Comma should be a semicolon.

Post 5

“The sun, in its slow march toward the evening horizon, was just now reaching behind the tops of the trees.” A minor thing here – you can change ‘was just now reaching’ to ‘now reached’ for more active, concise language.

Post 6

“They felt the cold numbness pulling at the very core of their presence threatening to consume them in a way that would go deeper even than the destruction of their souls.” Comma after ‘presence’

I’m going to slow down on grammatical notes unless I find something glaring. At this point, I’ve seen enough to know that your mechanics are sound and most errors are one-time things. The only recurring fault that I find is that you have some run-on sentences. Usually solvable with an appropriately-placed comma.

Post 8

While the “William is growing up” bit is repeated – you mention it in post 7, then again in post 8 with very similar language – you’re portraying it well. I enjoy William’s interjections as he reconciles the “father’s word is law” mindset with his budding ability to think for himself.

Post 13

Looks like you’re rushing now, trying to finish the thread. Forging on with the tale; none of the little snippets of dialogue that were giving the story life.




The interaction between William and Gerald was the clear highlight of this story. The tale about Amra itself reminded me of many ancient stories about the origins of the earth, with naive/flawed progenitors and gods and cataclysmic events that shaped the land into what it is today. And by itself, it felt formulaic but generally well-told. But the relatable father-son dynamic gave the story a life and familiarity that made for an easy, pleasant read.

One of my only gripes was the pacing. The story went by quickly, especially in the home stretch where it looked like you saw the finish line and broke into a sprint. Perhaps you could have fleshed out this last bit by spending some more time on Shar – her relationship with William and Gerald, as well as an explanation for her distaste of the tale.

Mechanically, you’re a strong writer, with the only recurring error being the run-on sentences that I addressed in my note on Post 6. Everything else is either a one-off slip or a nitpick.

A fun read overall. Good job!