Workshop: The Raven, The Haven and The Craven

[SirArtemis]

Story
Storytelling, Setting, and Pacing

There's definitely an intriguing element to your stories and the pieces they seem to be in the larger narrative. The more I read your work (which I enjoy your workshops quite a bit) the more I feel like I'm just jumping between episodes of some tv show seasons. Like I missed a couple episodes and try to skip them and move along. There's a complexity and depth to your storytelling that spans much more than an individual thread, and it's clear in the content of your work. The way you utilize the settings in such a vivid way that feels so tangible is terrific. I can't even speak to whether it's all visual, but I know for certain you're interacting with it as well and the language you choose to articulate it in respect to your characters is very engaging. The story trucked along quite nicely and I have nothing that felt off for pacing, for my preferences at least.


Character
Communication, Action, and Persona

One of the things I enjoy most about your writing is your cast of characters, and particularly your "core quintet" as I like to think of them. The distinct personalities and identities never struggle to come through, and the addition of Cassandra did not take away a thing from this thread. I did have less interest in Y'edda and the god of war, oddly enough, as they did not have as much development in this thread to give me something of value. However, as I'll note later, it's hard to note just how much you give me of your characters within the context of the thread itself as well. Every voice that appears in your work can stand out on its own and not be lost. The only struggle becomes when alter egos get involved and birds go wild. Trying to keep track of rook and raven and all that jazz got only slightly confusing, only because phoenix is so straight forward. And then sparrow was the twist. I do like the use of birds though, and the fact that I can't tell if it's your own device or in the lore is good on your part.


Prose
Mechanics, Clarity, and Technique

You know I'm going to shit on you here, but more than usual. You need to clean up your work. It's too good to embarrass itself with silly mechanical errors, ESPECIALLY when it starts to dig into clarity and make me uncertain as to what you meant to say. Being so engaged in a piece only to be thrown off because you don't know for certain what the author meant to say is not only jarring but immensely frustrating, especially when I WANT to know what you meant. Please take this into consideration going forward. I will even edit before you submit as long as you workshop it after so I can get rewarded for reading it anyway.


Wildcard

I want to note a few things here. The first is that my feedback is going to become less and less relevant as time goes on. You have a pattern and my ability to be constructive will diminish as I familiarize myself with your style and work, including your characters. I won't know what's missing if I can fill in the gaps with background knowledge of your characters and stories. So keep that in mind when you submit to workshop and know my feedback will come. The second is that the way you write is, as I've mentioned before, very engaging and a show of your talent. The fact that at times it feels like the lore of Althanas belongs to you is a testament to that. I almost want to believe everything you submit is canon, and that when I write Artemis, to engage your version of Althanas. That's more a compliment than I think I can articulate. But with great power comes great responsibility. Please take a bit more time to edit your work, as it has tremendous power. I haven't edited your book but you can be damn sure that I will read it if you ever finish it, and I can try to edit that, but you know full well that's a project and a half.