Thread Title: Thread Link
Judgment Type: Full Rubric
Participants: Revenant and Ashla

Participant: Revenant

Plot: 24/30

Story- 9/10

In post one you begin well with the light "winking out" - adding suspense for plot. The light winking back in, adds build up. It is a good first opening post. Overall you have good descriptions of what could happen with weapons, and there is no clear god-moding, allowing the other writer to respond to help build the story. You have a good use of reactions and so on. The story continues into the end, with good tension rises and plot points to demonstrate character, good story telling technique and skill.

Setting- 8/10

In post one you open the setting brilliantly with such lines as, "the tears of giants raining down in a baptismal font". Here there is also a good explanation for how the citadel works, and the setting of the arena is interesting and is written well. The title of the piece is, "Finger of God" which is a tower that is fought in and fits in with the general themes of the piece itself. Further into the piece the empty rooms build on your character's frustration - adding to greater sense of story and person-hood and the rapid change of scenery and rooms too add a journey element to the piece. Overall very excellent and consistent. The only area I would suggest some development is perhaps more interaction with the setting itself.

Pacing- 7/10

Pacing is overall good with a decent structure. One powerful part is the rise of fire alongside the rise of tension in poat 11. There is good, believable development that work well, but could do with some more attention-grabbing moments. Towards the end the pacing is steady and each detail written short or long depending on the need of the piece. Variation though in paragraph size would also help to develop some skill.

Character: 22/30

Communication- 7/10

In this thread for your character there is not much communication or spoken word at all, and so there was little to comment on here. (Perhaps speaking to one-self can help this?) However, there is a clear voice though of the character through first person. It is strong when you explain why Rev is not speaking much: "I heard her words, but let them flow over me. It didn’t matter what she had to say." This adds to character and builds up some personality for your writing and narrative voice. Else, what he says through the narration helps to understand who he is and what he wants.

Action-8/10

In post three you both show your character's skills and abilities via jumping "twenty feet" and also show individual traits with "flexed my claws" through the medium of action. There is clear frustration through actions as he continues through empty rooms. Later, the notion of a "blind ... swing" with a clear desperation to hit something, shows personality. Further in the piece, Rev's reactions to Ayleth/Ashla show the character within, and add a more-rounded understanding for the reader of Rev. The fact that he pulls back from fighting as well when it is clear Ayleth/Ashla is suffering ("I'd broken her..." post 16) shows a different side of him inclusive of honour. Overall you could further develop these skills to push them into your piece, but definitely a powerful skill.

Persona- 7/10

Persona is clearly shown through first person and asking questions of the world around him. It might be a thought though to use italics or vocabulary to define when using personal thought. There are good reactions to some of Ayleth's actions that show the deeper person of Rev, and the consequences of what he is doing with each hit. More is shown as Rev realises what he may have done to Ayleth/Ashla in fighting her, in asking if he has broken her. I would say some development can be done here, but overall strong.

Prose: 25/30

Mechanics- 7/10

Mostly, mechanics is fine for this piece, but some grammar is broken when using punctuation. There is over-use of some question marks when it just needs to be a comma, which causes an interruption of flow of text. Paragraphing could do with some experimenting into long/short. There is minor spelling mistakes such as in post 7 with "That puts my on a timer, I grimaced." where should be "me" not "my". Overall, however, strong but more development could be worked to use paragraphing and punctuation to your benefit and match your skill here in other areas of writing.

Clarity- 8/10

In terms of clarity there is nothing much to comment on. It is very clear what sort of powers Red has with constant reference to charred and seared flesh. Clear in each strike and actions made, and reasons why. It is perhaps only a bit unclear as to what is going on in his mind, see Persona.

Technique- 9/10

There is some lovely description that reflects the tone of the piece: "edgeless shadow" post 5 and "a chill that was deeper than mere cold steel," also post 5. Your writing is heavily descriptive throughout, with few faults and is strong and consistent. The way you describe also how Ayleth/Ashla's actions is also great, as you use what she has written yet put it into your own voice, which is a skill worth noting. It is also hard to do without falling into the trap of direct plagiarism or god-moding. More expansion into using other senses (smell, touch etc) could be one area to develop.

Wildcard: 8/10

You have good ability to let the other writer respond to each action and give an idea of what could happen, not what is 'going' to happen.


Final Score: 79/100

Participant: Ashla

Plot: 22/30

Story- 8/10

You create story through your character's questions. It is also built as the words and communication become more involved and heads into the second half of the piece itself. What is good is the mixture of the personal struggles that makes this piece more of a character development story as well as a fight. It climaxes well with the tension and action. With it finishing on post 14 and 16, there is a clean and smooth development of language as well as plot itself, which though could be foreshadowed more, has a powerful effect in giving depth to your character (this is a point I will come back to later in the commentary).

Setting- 6/10

You make good use of sound and senses to build the sense of the tower and what is going on inside and there is consistency as the weather also matches that of Rev's posts. However, you perhaps could do with a little more setting in first scene? Setting is also used carefully in response to what is laid out by Rev, but not as strongly described. Later on the concentration becomes more upon Ayleth/Ashla's development as a character, and it would have been good to include some more of the setting and the rooms here, even though the story itself is more about character for you.

Pacing- 8/10

What you do very well is have a change in paragraphing that works alongside tension brilliantly, and connects to the rise and fall. You are able to focus and then un-focus the reader's attention - a skill here worth noting. Post 14 is definitely where this can be highlighted, where you show a variety of pacing techniques including uses of varying sentence length. Overall use this skill more and spread it throughout your posts.

Character: 25/30

Communication- 8/10

The voice of Ayleth is clearly defined, and spoken well and also the spoken personal thoughts about Ayleth add to story. You have good use of communication in post 6 as she introduces herself as a sort of rebuttal into the story and the reader can see how she is using it to assess the situation. Verbal reactions also assist in building the story, and Ayleth/Ashla asking questions of herself in post 12 help to identify her thought patterns, although could be developed more. The main brunt of the communication in post 16 works well, flows well and fits the scenario. What was mostly interesting was the idea of who is Ayleth and who is Ashla.

Action-8/10

Communication and action are used well at points together with post 1 holding: "Ayleth just shrugged at the question." Other points where you do well are in parts where you use action to detail your character's skills: "she held her knife in a reversed grip" (also post 1). Simple breathing and movements such like add to making up her personality. Clearly defined traits and written actions. You get the idea of a warrior easily. The actions in the later part of the piece are powerful but a little subjective for the situation.

Persona- 9/10

Italics for internal thought are used well and good. This flows well, with the personal commentary, however when reading I was not sure if the sarcastic bits work (post 4) "Yeah, lot's of fun!" One thing to consider is your use of the brackets and when they are used. It is interesting in post 10 to see how your character reacts to Rev's suggestions and his actions, and what her two personhoods (Ashla and Ayleth) are wanting from this fight. Clear desperation here can be felt and seen. In post 11 you use language well with "How could they do this to her?" and not "he" as if reflecting on all of her lives, and the people who have impacted her. The important question over identity is asked and looked on. The question rises: is she is a monster? It is almost asking the reader of their opinion. Post 14 holds some hidden gems of writing skill here with the long list of individual words that work particularly well for what you want - confusion and understanding. Overall absolutely excellent in this section.

Prose: 23/30

Mechanics- 9/10

There is a good build up of sentence structure in places. Post 6 hosts the lines, "Heat. Severe heat. It was like she was close to erupting lava." These short and long sentences give variation and show your skill/technique. Paragraphing in general used well with shorter and longer ones. Interruptions also work really well, with the use of hyphens to add tension (post 8). There is very good use later on in post 12 to build up the almost mental breakdown of Ayleth. Overall no noticeable faults and keep going here!

Clarity- 6/10

At first reading, there is some confusion for the unknowing reader, who reads, Ayleth, however, your character is Ashla. Perhaps your opening posts could do with some defining. Only hint that is given is the following: " To become Ashla once more?" What could be suggested is some quick summary of what has happened recently to bring your character to this point. This may be deliberate, as your character is lacking in some sanity, but background context can hugely help a reader's understanding. Writing in itself is pretty clear, with nothing obvious that is confusing. This is clearer later, but could do with some more foreshadowing at the start. This is cleared up to an extent at the end, with the post 14, but you could refine the development somewhat.

Technique- 8/10

References to symbolism work exceptionally well (reference to the scythe). There is good use of simile post 4: "two puppets". You have general good use of technique that builds the fight and the tension well, with elements of what Ayleth is going through personally, and a really good way of describing what she is feeling with strong vocabulary and sensual language when she copes character-wise. The main thing I would say is the techniques and skills shown in post 14, inclusive of the paragraphing, single words, variation of large and small letters, would have been good to show in previous posts to more foreshadow the insanity. Post 16 does clear things up well, and summarises the disparity perhaps lacking at the start.

Wildcard: 8/10

You detail the descent (or the realisation) of insanity, through paragraphing and word choice and general action. Your development of the piece adds to this, going from steady paragraphs and words some alternative non-standard words.

Final Score: 78/100

Final comments:

Fire vs Ice. Love it.

Winner: Revenant!

Revenant receives:

7035 EXP!
300 GP!


Ashla receives:

1690 EXP!
300 GP!

Congratulations!

admin note: Apologies for the appalling lateness of this judgement. It was supposed to be done as a training judgement and then was delayed for some time before being asked to be done by someone else. Because of this EXP has been calculated as 1.5 times the normal rate and gold at 2x. I am also giving each participant 200 gold of my money.